Is it normal to be so anxious that you never make friends?
I already know the answer.... it's not.
Anyone who says otherwise is just lying to me for no reason. It doesn't help.
Anyway, so the question at hand is that I am incredibly anxious about everything. I am not talking about being a little nervous, I am talking about being so anxious that you physically can't bring yourself to talk to people in a social manner. When people try to talk to me, I panic and try to talk back only to make a few muffled sounds.
There have been times where I have literally gone for days without saying a word. And I do mean "literally". After one of these periods, I tried to speak (not to anyone in particular, just to check if I still could) and it was an incredibly strange experience. My voice faltered and I had difficulty controlling my pitch, as if I had forgotten how to use my vocal chords.
So yeah, I am at the point where I have exactly 0 friends to talk to and I lose my voice from time to time from lack of use. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone anymore because I am so worried about how I will appear. I don't like social media for the same reason.
Also, when I did supposedly have a friend, I could never bring myself to text/contact them because I was always afraid that I would bother them and they would stop hanging out with me. (This fear was taught to me through past experiences even though I rarely texted people back then too)
Now, I think I am just sick of friends... of everything in life really. All my past friends taught me that friends are only there when you benefit them. The minute you need them to help you or support you, they are gone. No matter how many times you helped them. And after this exact scenario occurs a few times, it makes you wonder if there really are any good people in the world. I always tried to help my friends as much as possible and also tried to not burden them with any of my issues and look where that got me.... alone, anxious, and quite possibly depressed.
When I had friends, people described me as nice, but I guess that wasn't enough to keep friends. I get it though... I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. Anyway, to wrap up, anxiety and depression really sucks and I won't let anyone know I am anxious or depressed. I won't even check this post later to see if people commented... I was just writing about all of my shit just to see if it would help me... and it kinda helped I guess. I don't have anyone in real life that I can tell this to and people saying "I'll be your friend" on the internet are just saying that because they know deep down that they probably won't have to follow through on that statement. And don't worry, I won't pursue your proposed "friendship" so comment away.