Is it normal to be so alone?

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1 Comment

I'm at first year university. I smoke a lot of weed. I've done other drugs twice. I can't talk to people.

I have met new people since coming here, and have since distanced myself with my high school friends. I was frustrated with them because I felt like I had nothing in common with them, different interests and values and whatever. That only increased when I started smoking pot/tobacco. I expected that to happen, I was thought "I'm going to university, I'll find people I have more in common with".

Which I have. The problem is, I have nothing to say to them. Or anyone. I'm usually very shy, and I need to have regular contact with people for about a year before I get to know them. I didn't start hanging out with my friends in high school out of school until two years of knowing them. So a lot of the people I've met in group situations who thought I was pretty cool because I could just be quiet until I had something to say have asked me to hang out one-on-one, and then I just have nothing to say. Then it gets really awkward, because there is just total silence. Then they think that I'm really boring. I guess I am. I just haven't gotten to know them yet though.

My silence has ruined the relationship with this guy I was seeing. The sex wasn't that great, and if he wasn't getting me talking obviously we weren't clicking so it shouldn't be a problem, but the thing that sucks is that we were beginning to click and then a fell into a major spasm of silence so we're over now I guess. It's still upsetting because that was my first boyfriend and that leaves me feeling unable to get intimate with anyone.

I try talking to people, but I just have nothing that interesting to say so its just me rambling if I try talking. I've tried the getting people to talk about themselves thing, but that only goes so far.

So I'm steadily destroying relationships by trying to get closer with peope. How ironic is that.

Also, my family life is on the rocks because of my drug use. It's just weed, it's not that big of deal. A good person would stop because it's so important to their family, but I don't do that. I like doing the things that I want to do, I don't want to do what people tell me to do.

I guess drug use has ruined that relationship too.

So I went from having high school friends and university semi-friends, a boyfriend, and a stable family life to feeling completely alone.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Maybe I should stop doing drugs.

I think I just need to learn how to not be so mute.

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51% Normal
Based on 65 votes (33 yes)
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Comments ( 1 )
  • PoisonFlowers
    14 years ago

    You've put it better than I could have. Having nothing to say and destroying relationships through trying to get closer...that's just like me. I've also burnt bridges because I simply did not have anything in common whatsoever with the people who were supposedly meant to be my closest friends. It was just draining me to keep it up.

    I've got two people in the balace at the moment. I've known them for years and years which makes it easier to keep them around. It's a very delicate balance of keeping them at a constant distance - not too close and not too far.

    The prospect of university makes me feel vaguely terrified because I see myself in more or less the same position as you've described.

    You keep mentioning the drugs and how your reliance on them has affected things, so why not give kicking the habit a go? You try to justify your drug use in the same breath by saying that you want to do what you want to do and not what others expect of you, but then you go back to saying "it probably ruined that too.." It might not be the entire problem, but if you can see that it hasn't helped, then maybe you're better off without it.

    I was going to say that I differ from you in that I haven't done weed, but I just realised that I have something else - alcohol. It makes everything feel so much better. I suddenly have interesting things to say (or is it that it gives me the illusion of being a great conversationalist? Somehow, I think it's the latter. In fact, I once got worried that I'd weirded out one of my friends too much because of my strange behaviour.) Not that I'm a social butterfly by any means; most of my contact is through the internet or just hanging out every now and then.

    So...there's not much I can say to help you, sorry. Take care.

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