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I at first thought I really liked BDSM. But when I read up on it more, I was absolutely terrified at what I found. That's just cruel and unusual. I understand some people really enjoy so I will not rain down on their parade. But is it normal to look at it now and not be interested in it any longer? I am really curious as to what people feel about this.
I do not have any direct or personal experience with BDSM scene (which is probably almost non-existent in the country where I live?) but based on many sources which I have studied online I have got this feeling:
BDSM has become a form of fashion, life-style, ideology and hobby and just a small part of it is really authentic and my guess would be that many BDSM fans have pretty normal sexuality and are not into REAL sadism or masochism (in terms of authentic sexual paraphilia or sexual preference), so it is normal that you were interested in it in the beginning and then you realized that it is not what you really wanted...
It is just good that you are honest to yourself and do not pretend to be someone into BDSM just because it is so cool and modern in these days.
"That's just cruel and unusual. "
There's the problem perhaps ... you may be looking at the wrong information for BDSM.
It's not about hurting someone for fun - it's about trust, and understanding that pain and pleasure can be the same.
If you really want a good understanding of BDSM, I personally recommend checking out "Kushiel's Dart". Unlike those 50 shades of whatever stuff... it's a well written story about a world where BDSM & Poly relationships exist... but they're not the main point of the story.
I hope you are still online Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress.
I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years. We get along great except for one thing.....He is really into the BDSM thing. It's a lifestyle for him. I am always to be submissive. Always do his bidding, no matter what the request, sexual or not. During sex, he likes to chain me to the wall, ball gag me and do what ever he wants, including inflicting pain. In the beginning, when all it was was a blind fold and being tied to the bed, I enjoyed it. Now, I can't enjoy sex in fear that it will turn into a violent encounter.
I don't mind the demands he puts on my daily life. I'm glad to do it for him. Once in a while, I enjoy it when he demands a form of foreplay or other sensual acts but when it comes to the whips and chains and painful things of sex, I go into a state of panic and I always leave feeling like I've just been raped. I've tried everything I know to get over this. I've gone to counseling, taken anti anxiety drugs, zoned out while it's happening.....Nothing works. We have reached the point in our relationship that if he can't get BDSM, then the relationship is over. I don't want to lose my life or the man I love. He doesn't believe in safe words. He is in charge and he will do what he wants.
IIN for me to have such a fear?
PS, he knows all of the above information and tells me that I just need to get over it.
Can you help?
Oh my god :( I’m so so so so so so so so sorry for what you’re going through. I wish and pray that you’re okay now and maybe you’ve even found someone else, someone who will really *love* you.
You’re being hurt darling. Please, please see that. How would you react if I told you some husband threatened to leave his wife if she didn’t agree to having abusive sex with him? YES! This IS abusive. You hardly gave consent. Your husband knows he’s hurting you, really really hurting you, not in a BDSM sort of way, in a real and awful way. And he won’t stop. He sees this pains and tells you to get over it! I don’t know if I should cry or be angry. This is so unfair to you, I’m so sorry :(
He doesn’t love you darling. I can see you’re amazing and caring and kind, but he doesn’t love you. I’m so sorry if you believe he does but he doesn’t. No one who loves someone else treats them like that.
He’s literally torturing you for his own pleasure, so you understand that? You zone out while it’s happening, and that sounds like mild dissociation. You’re body and mind are separating for the time he hurts you. It happens to people during trauma and times of intense emotional or physical pain. You’re being hurt darling! I wish I could hug you. I promise there are kind caring people in this world, and you are one of the best, for putting yourself through all of this because you love him. But he doesn’t love you back. Find someone who does.
LEAVE! Please leave. There are people out there that will love you and adore you and treat you with the kindness and care you deserve, and it’s not in this monster you’re with. There’s a man out there who’ll love you with everything he is, find him! And even if you can’t right away, or not at all, life is MUCH better off without someone who hurts you like this. Go be with your family, and if you don’t have a job, find one to support yourself while you figure things out. You can move into an apartment if there’s no one you know around. But staying will only hurt you. You’re allowing someone who knows how much real pain he’s putting you in to keep hurting you. Any life away from him will be better, if you’re alone or not.
I know it may be hard to believe, because you must love him so much to stay while this abuse has been going on, but how much can someone love you if they treat you like that? He doesn’t love you. He’s threatened to end the relationship if he doesn’t get to abuse you. How is that love? IT ISNT! Oh my god please leave!
Please, please, if you ever get a chance to see this, LEAVE! If you’re still with him, all I can do is hope you have the courage to find yourself a safe place away from him. If you’re still with him, ask yourself if this is how someone who loves someone treats them? Ask yourself that right now, with your hand over your heart. Take a deep breath, and answer it. I’m sure you’ll feel the answer. And I want you to do what you would want someone else to do in this situation.
I hope just me saying these words can somehow make them happen if they haven’t already yet. Even if you don’t read this I hope you’re okay. You’re beautiful :)
You’re a beautiful human being who deserves sooooo much love. You need to show yourself love too, and you can only do that if you allow yourself distance from whoever it is that hurting you.
I wrote this reply in the hopes that if you’re still with him, you see this and realize how much you are worth, and leave him. And if you have already, I’m sure you realize how much of life you were missing out on, and how much was taken away from you by him. I’m so so so so so so sorry for all that pain you have gone through. I’m just another person who you’ll never meet in the world, but I do care for you. And I hope you learn to care for yourself too.
You deserve all the love in this world, so show yourself love too. Please take care of yourself and reply if you ever get a chance to read this. Take care please, you’re beautiful :)
I did read 50 shades of grey and though it was a terrible book. That's not what got me interested in BDSM in the first place. I think it's more because I'm not into the extreme stuff really. I don't want someone to push my limit with pain. I don't like pain at all and do not find it pleasurable during sex. I never have. I just like being dominated in the bedroom. I didn't see anything like that where I looked. I don't want to be a slave or sub 24/7. I would like it more just in the bedroom and I have limits that I do not and will not have pushed. I just didn't see anyone that had the same ideas as me....
Anyone into BDSM or anything similar in any way is a full blown freak and a half. They are seriously messed up in the head.
I don't like how BDSM is so mainstream nowadays. It was more appealing when it was less popular.
So, after reading and coming to a conclusion, I will now say that I do find BDSM scary. That's just me. I don't want to be a sub or any of that. Missionary sex? Uhm, no. I like wild and kinky sex. Not the whipping, flogging, choking, etc. And I may only be pointing out some extreme points in BDSM. But I know now that it's just my POV. No offense to those who are into whatever form of BDSM that you may choose with your partner. Thanks for the comments.
to OP
you should read Nana to Kaoru.
it's a japanese manga about S/M and BDSM stuff.
it's a good read with some romance genre.
anyway BDSM is not what u thought as bad as it is =] and yes it's all about mutual trust between master and servant.
It's sort of like swimming in the ocean. You should have a healthy fear of where you are and what you are doing. That does NOT mean you shouldn't do it. Fear is part of the game for many subs.
Their are varing different styles of BDSM, so some may only see one way of it and think harshly of it. Some people love dominaing or being dominated, to the point where it can be extreme and one just wants a sex slave or to be a complete slave submissive to whoever will dominate them 100%. These kinds tend to give BDSM a bad name imo. Really you and your partner should have good comunication and set ground rules for whats acceptable and what isn't for you both so neither is being used unwillingly, unless again your the kind of person looking to be a complete dominator or to be fully dominated. Some people in life will fully take advantage of you if you let them by not doing anything about it. I havent done any major BDSM things in real life but as long as it was mutual I wouldn't mind doing some things. You'd be surprised how many girls like being tied up, cuffed, choked, etc when having sex.
There are good and bad aspects of everything. I've been interested in the lifestyle for quite a while now and when I first started to research it, I thought it was cruel but then after researching it further, I realized that it wasn't. There are many good BDSM relationships that are value the "code of conduct" but there are some that don't. If you choose to engage in the lifestyle you need to proceed with caution when looking for a relationship. I suggest going on www.asubmissivesjourney.com for further information. That site is by far the best one I have found for researching all the aspects of the lifestyle.
I do not have any direct or personal experience with BDSM scene (which is probably almost non-existent in the country where I live?) but based on many sources which I have studied online I have got this feeling:
BDSM has become a form of fashion, life-style, ideology and hobby and just a small part of it is really authentic and my guess would be that many BDSM fans have pretty normal sexuality and are not into REAL sadism or masochism (in terms of authentic sexual paraphilia or sexual preference), so it is normal that you were interested in it in the beginning and then you realized that it is not what you really wanted...
It is just good that you are honest to yourself and do not pretend to be someone into BDSM just because it is so cool and modern in these days.
I'm very dominative and into the sado-maso thing, but I find BDSM very cheesy.