Is it normal to be offended by the phrase "i need you to...."

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11 Comments

first off, let me preface by saying that i know i have a problem with authority, but i'm not sure if that's the problem, or if it has something to do with the difference between men and women and the subtleties of language.

i tend to get offended if people say "i need you to..." instead of asking "could you..." or something along those lines. i tend to curb my attitude at work, but i inwardly cringe if someone uses that phrase (not that it's terribly common, mind you. most of my bosses have been the type to phrase it in the manner i prefer.)

my partner and i just got into an argument over it. i just see it as more of an order to say "i need you to..." and get upset when i hear people using that terminology. i also hate it when people will place an order in a restaurant using the phrase "i need a..." and i've never even worked in food service.

i mean, i probably wouldn't mind if it were a life and death situation. in those cases, people really do NEED something, and i would find it totally appropriate.

is this totally weird? does anyone else find it rude to say "i need" instead of phrasing it as a request?

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67% Normal
Based on 43 votes (29 yes)
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Comments ( 11 )
  • DannyKanes
    11 years ago

    When I'm at work, and I need to deligate jobs, I will ask the person "Could you do this for me please?" as I need the job done, but I try not to sound like I'm ordering them to.

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  • wigsplitz
    11 years ago

    When I ask someone to do something I am usually very polite about it and say things like 'could you....' but sometimes it's necessary to tell someone that hey, 'I NEED this shit done', I usually reserve that for times when there's serious urgency, money involved or something like that. Or maybe if I've asked nicely once or twice and it's still not done. Actually, I just realized I also say 'OK here's what has to get done....' then kind of sort out individual tasks and who's going to do them, depending on the day and the situation. That's referring to chores, jobs, favors etc.

    If I have to ask for shit from behind the counter at the store, then hell yeah, I say 'I need a pack of Newports' or 'I need $20 in gas on that car', because um, I do need those things and you are the one who has the power to give them to me and I'd sound stupid saying 'Could I have a pack of Newports' because, uhhh, it's not a Q&A game, it's a fact, I need those and you're going to get them for me, period. Saying 'could I' is asking permission to have, I'm not asking a fucking clerk permission to have what I want and am paying for and am entitled to as a paying, of-age customer, I don't need his permission, I need him to walk over there and get them and give them to me. If he asks for my ID, then they always say 'I need to see your ID', so what the hell's the difference? It's true, he NEEDS to see my ID to sell me certain things, just as I NEED him to go fetch those things for me, as I can't jump behind the counter and do it myself.Now, if I wanted special change as dappled was talking about, I'd ask 'Could I please have my change in $1's' because that's a special favor, not part of his job and it IS a yes or no question.

    At a restaurant or bar, I'd say 'I'd like the...' or 'I'll have a...' followed by 'please' and 'thank you'.

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    • jellokatt
      11 years ago

      really? usually the clerks i go to ask me "could i please see some id?" (sometimes without the please, mind you, and sometimes they're rather curt, but i don't think i've ever has anyone say "i need to see some id")

      i do see your point, but for some reason, it just seems more polite and respectful to phrase it as a request to me. then again, i tend to be overly polite to people working in service jobs anyway - i figure they probably get shit on all day by customers, so i treat them with a little extra courtesy to try to make their day a little better.

      i can totally understand about asking someone numerous times though. at that point, you have to be a bit more direct.

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  • dappled
    11 years ago

    Thank God it's not just me. I don't have any problem with authority and I'm usually quite placid and forgiving but this way of "asking" just makes me want to wrap my hands around the neck of whoever says it.

    A couple of years ago, I was standing behind a man in a queue in a store and he told the cashier, "I'm going to need my change in five pound notes". I felt my fist tighten involuntarily and I had to rearrange my face because I could feel myself glaring at him.

    Then again, I'm also offended by people who say "get" instead of "have", i.e. "Can I get a coffee?" and - strictly - they're not doing much wrong.

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    • jellokatt
      11 years ago

      thanks for reminding me about "can i get a..."
      that one has always bothered me too.

      if you don't mind my asking, are you male or female? i seem to only notice males phrasing things that way, and i'm female, so i'm wondering if it's a gender thing.

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      • dappled
        11 years ago

        I notice men doing it more too (or aggressive women). I'm male, by the way, but I have a very female brain (when I started here, most assumed I was female) so you can't really use me as a guide. :)

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        • jellokatt
          11 years ago

          yeah, i suppose not. i mean, i have a lot of male tendencies for a woman.

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          • wigsplitz
            11 years ago

            I need you to stop having so many of those tendencies. :)

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            • dappled
              11 years ago

              I wish you lived close enough for me to give you a friendly punch on the arm for that.

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          • dappled
            11 years ago

            Hehe, my longest relationship was with someone like that. Our dynamic confused absolutely everyone, but it seemed to work out very well for us. In five and a half years, I don't think we argued even once.

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  • rekltalni
    11 years ago

    Not normal. It's just how people express them. You shouldn't be bothered with this

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