Is it normal to be confused about rape?

5 Comments

When I was 6 years old my step cousin(10 turning 11) wanted to play tag with his friends. His friend who was older than my step cousin. chased me and i fell down and he stuck his hand down my pants and started to feel me. That day my step cousin and i went to his bedroom and started to play video games. i don't remember much. I just know that he started to touch me and he ended up sticking it in. I also remembered My older brother (7 turning 8) was there. my step cousin threatened my brother and i and told us if we told someone he'd hurt us. years later i moved away. i finally told my parents. what bothers me now
1.) IT'S FUCKING GROSS BECAUSE THAT'S MY COUSIN
2.) I DIDN'T LIKE IT BUT I DIDN'T STOP IT
3.) IT HAPPENED EVERY NOW AND THEN BECAUSE HE STARTED TO LIVE WITH ME (I MOVED WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD)
4.) MY STEP PARENT AFTER TELLING STILL TALKS TO HIM LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED
5.) HE'S A COP NOW
i'm just confused on the reason why i didn't stop it. It makes me cry because i'm not happy about it. yet, again... i didn't stop it. its like i accepted it at that time.

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Comments ( 5 )
  • Caesar009
    6 years ago

    it happened with me too when i was 9.. it was my real brother not cousin who did it..
    i regret for not doing anything, but it's not my fault, nor it's your mate..
    you were helpless so was i. and there are million others who were sexually abused at young age. we can't do anything now, instead fight for safety of other who are going through same situation these days.. we can't change our past, we have to live with it. so stop blaming yourself for it and be happy :)

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  • Boojum
    6 years ago

    Would you blame yourself if, when you were six, some ten year-old boy had grabbed you in the playground, pushed you down, and started pounding your face into the ground, leaving you with permanent scars?

    This thing was done to you; you didn't ask your step-cousin to rape you. You were subjected to child sexual abuse by another child. It's far more common than most people would like to believe.

    You were a very young child and a kid significantly older than you bullied you into doing something. I understand that you feel guilty about not stopping it. However, unless they're already being sexually abused by an adult or there's some pretty weird shit going on in the house, no six year-old should know much about sex. Did you even realize that's what it was at the time?

    Your step-cousin clearly knew that what he was doing to you was wrong and, at the age of ten or eleven, he understood the mechanics of sex. That makes me wonder what his home life was like. Maybe someone was telling him that he'd get hurt if he told anyone about what they were doing to him? His parents considering this incident no big deal also suggests unhealthy attitudes on their part.

    You're not specific about what happened when you started living in the same house a couple years later, but this having happened to you would make it easier for him to manipulate you into accepting more. Kids are curious, and you shouldn't blame yourself if there was an element of that on your part.

    As for him now being a cop, I don't find that shocking. Some people go into law enforcement because they recognize a streak of wickedness in themselves.

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    • Murun
      6 years ago

      "Some people go into law enforcement because they recognize a streak of wickedness in themselves." Or because they just get off on holding power over others.

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      • Boojum
        6 years ago

        Yeah, that too.

        I've never understood the urge to be a cop, prison guard, politician, or priest. I'm willing to believe that some go into those jobs because they want to serve their community and humanity, but, since people are people, I suspect most have less-noble motives.

        In the context of the OP, considering how the now-cop forced himself on a younger child when he was a kid, the power motive may well be relevant.

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        • Murun
          6 years ago

          That's what I was thinking.. More likely to be 'more of the same' than atonement. Leopards and spots, and all that.

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