Is it normal to be a total idiot?
I hate myself, my personality, the way I look and my mind. I hate it so much, I'm one of the ugliest girls at my school, if not the ugliest. I sometimes like to fool myself into thinking I'm decent, but that's just a lie. What's worse is my personality, I'm rude, I lack a social antennae, and when I'm with others I always act bigheaded and holier than thou. I'm a f*cking hypocrite, I talk down about others when I do the same. I think way too much, I set my goals too high and fail. I always stand in my own way. When I fail, which I normally do, I feel the need to punish myself. I chew my cheek, dig my nails into my skin, hit myself or deny myself things. Often food, because I'm a sucker for it.
I'm a jerk, I'm convinced I'm one of the worst out there. I have no idea why I have friends, even if they only stay so for a short time. I want to just end it sometimes, but I fail at that too. I know I'll never have a relationship (if I ever was to be asked, I would say no. Noone deserves an idiot like me).
When I'm with others, more 'popular' and indeed much more likeable people, I tend to distance myself. I've pulled down my friends, I can't stand doing it to more people.
I have the worst hygiene too, I know I smell, I can feel the sweating, and smell it, and no matter how hard I clean myself I still smell the stench of sweat. It never seems like anyone else notices, but they're probably just feeling bad for me and pitying me. If I was them, I'd do the same.
I feel like I lack any form of common sense, I need things explained before I understand. It's like I'm some sort of alien, stupid.
Is it normal to be like this? So grotesque, so horrible and disgusting? Do I just have something wrong with my mind?