Is it normal to be 21 and still be where i was in highschool, lifewise
WARNING: THIS IS REALLY, REALLY LONG. SORRY.
I'm kind of a loser. Boo hoo, etc. I'm 21, and still living with my father. Right now, I can't go to school, cause I don't have the money to pay off the debt for the community college I screwed up in enough to ruin my chances of financial aid of any kind, cause I'm not a spectacular student (that'd be a whole other question, so let's not get into that). Right now I'm working part-time, but typically 4 hours a week, at minimum wage.
I can't tell if I'm just being hard on myself, or if everybody's being unfairly forgiving. Sure, the economy's bad, but come on. 3 years, and nothing I can use to get me on my feet? Surely that's not just a fluke. And let's face it, I have probably run out my reasonable time for mooching food and shelter off dear old dad.
I'll search for jobs, try to do things that seem productive with my time. But not as much as I should really. Like, actual, finished and submitted application amounts are downright shameful. Today I spent basically all my time surfing the internet, and just like always, I spent the entire time thinking "why am i surfing the internet what the hell what the hell what the hell stop it"
Sometimes it feels like there's something else going on, like there's a mental wall that's in my way, but all the evidence seems to suggest that's just laziness, right? So how come I can't seem to break through it, no matter how hard I try, or attempt to get something to kick my ass into gear?
I express these sorts of woes to Pop, or my grown, totally successful, 4.0-kindergarten-through-college sister. They seem to always give sympathy, which is sweet and means a TON. But I feel like there must be some bias there. The normal reaction to "I exist only to be a drain on society and I'm aware of it, yet I have yet to start to change that" shouldn't be, "aw, poor baby", right? Plus the fact that you can't really say this without overflowing with self-loathing probably elicits unwarranted sympathy.
Bleh, anyway. I don't intend to ask you how to fix my life. I just want to know if this sort of situation is normal. I can't picture escaping being a despicable person five years from now, and I want to know if that's just because of the situation, or because that's the reality I'm facing.