Is it normal that she still blames her mother?

38% Normal

My friend is 50 and her Mother was a jerk. She was a single Mom and worked full time to support the family and blew the child support checks on crap. She also hit my friend and called her a slut for wanting to wear makeup, and did not buy fitting clothes for my friend so she had to wear clothes that were too tight on her and she got made fun of quite a bit for it at school.

Her Mom kicked her out at 18-19 and she had nothing but a truck and no place to go so life was pretty difficult for her... she then married a man who had money and would support her (he's a cool dude, too) but still, 30 years later, she still blames her Mother for the way she is today. She spends tons of money on crap and is hugely depressive and says it is because of the way her Mother treated her, or because her husband fucked up huge when they were dating (denied that it was his kid for a few months, but married her after the paternity test).

It's been 30 fucking years. She has had 30 years to get help, to go to college, to do something with her life that would make it better in some way, shape or form. She is no longer poor and would be in a stable marriage if she didn't complain about everything, all of the time. I've spent many years observing this family (even lived with them for months worth of intervals over the span of 2 years due to rough financial times, I am friends with her husband) and I can say with 100% confidence that she is just a whiner. She excuses everything she does by blaming the way her Mother and husband treated her 30 YEARS AGO.

Is it normal to continue blaming your parents for your current lack of happiness after 3 or so decades?

Voting Results

38% Normal

Based on 53 votes (20 yes)

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Comments ( 33 )

joybird

12 years ago

She needs anti-depressants to lift her 'hate the world' attitude.

Or she will never change.

My own mother has blamed her father for her crap life, every single day for the past 67 years!!!
What did he do wrong, you ask??

He only went and died :o)

But... "If my father had've lived my life would've been very different."

How the fuk would she know, she doesn't ever take advice from anyone!!!!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Been on anti-depressents (different ones) for 20 years to be exact. She says that they work first and then stop working and she has to switch.
  
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  - joybird
    
    12 years ago
    
    Deep down she still hates her husband for doubting the child was his and will never forgive him - just as she has never forgiven her mother. However, perhaps she should consider how her children will look back at her parenting skills... moping about miserable, no education, no motivation, no life, etc.
    
    I hate to tell you this but she will never be happy and will continue to moan your life away too.
    
    She would be better off living on her own where she would either have to pull herself together, or wallow in her misery alone - at least she would have no effect on anyone else.
    
    Let her get on with it.
    
    If you don't get a laugh, get up and go home. Don't encourage her!
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  She is on anti-depressants, has been for years.
  
  The issue is that she does not do any research or anything like that into depression or her medication. She does not go to therapy or do anything to take her recovery into her own hands. I did some research and told her which medication could work for her and which therapy to try (she has health insurance so this would come at no cost to her), and I told her to do it and that it would help and she said she didn't feel like it. I asked her why she didn't want to do it and she said
  
  "I have depression, so I have no motivation to do anything like that."
  
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Energy

12 years ago

Sounds like an excuse. Try and convince her to get help. She needs to stop wasting her life on this crap.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  I have, but she keeps telling me
  "I have depression, because of it, I have no motivation to do those things"
  
  It's the constant excuse that she gives me, then she'd say
  "I'd have been happier if my Mom hadn't done this, if my husband would give me more money" (she gets $1000 a month as entertainment and spending money from her husband, and two showroom quality vehicles that he pays for the gas for) and fun stuff like that.
  
  But thanks for the response. I have been wondering whether or not it is something that most people do or whether it is something that mental folks do.
  
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robbieforgotpw

10 years ago

I just power sharted

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[Old Memory]

12 years ago

I read all the comments and what you have decribed sounds much more like she has a personality disorder than clinical depression. Clinical depression is a chemical imbalance and will come and go throughout life. Personality disorders are more consistant and are much harder to treat. Google personality disorders. Your friend sounds like she has traits of the borderline, narcissistic, and dependant ones. It is possible however that she may have chemical depression on top of this if the meds are working.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder but she never took the diagnosis seriously.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    12 years ago
    
    You probablly should. That seems about right. Borderline Personality Disorder can be improved with counciling but the patient has to seriously want help.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      I have been reading about the disorder but now I'm starting to seriously consider that that may be her problem. Thanks for the help though. It just sucks that she won't go for counseling =/
      
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[Old Memory]

12 years ago

She could also be someone who is just incapable of feeling joy as well. I only say this because my own personality and depression are so crushing it absolutely takes away from any joy I could experience from normal circumstances of life. Some people get so used to their own depression the idea of treating it or changing it is almost scary to them and they cant picture life without being depressed. Its a terrible way to live, but its all they know. If it wasnt her mother she blames it would be something else, the flat tire she had last week, the window she accidentally broke 8 yrs ago, the speeding ticket she got 5 yrs ago....Its all people like that focus on.

Secretly she identifies with her depression and without it she wouldnt have any identity. If it was something from 30 years ago she most likely will never give it up and get help to deal with it. Deep down she really wants to be alone and will continue acting like this and pushing people away until it happens, and then when it does happen she will blame something/someone else for it.

You cant help anyone who wont help themselves first. Some people are so wrapped up in their own depression and negativity its all they have and wont or cant picture life without it.

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- [Old Memory]
  
  12 years ago
  
  I also forgot to mention that people like this should NOT, under any circumstances, bring children into the world. Its completely unfair to the children and almost always results in dysfunctionality.
  
  Its too late in that regard for this particular story, but just in general, they should not have children.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    12 years ago
    
    She tries to solve it with medications. She says the amphetamine derivative meds for ADHD solve her depression and they kind of do but they don't solve the complaining and the "I need more money/stuff!".
    
    Your thoughts?
    
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    - [Old Memory]
      
      12 years ago
      
      Misery loves company, she will never be happy.
      
      Especially if she is harping about stuff from 30 years ago.
      
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      - Anonymous Post Author
        
        12 years ago
        
        Some of it is from 20 years ago... if that counts any.
        
        She constantly whines "I haven't been truly happy in years", it must suck for her son to hear that, like "I don't make you happy?" wtf is true happiness? What I feel everytime I see my high school diploma?
        
        I know I am trying to make excuses for her, I love her and want her to be happy, but is it acceptable to let her just wallow in her own misery? Her husband has given up, her sons have given up, they still act nicely towards her but nothing ever helps unless she's on the amphetamines, but she still complains. She complains that no one in that house is nice to her, but I'm starting to be like them. Her misery burns me the fuck out.
        
        How do I put up with her? I've never dealt with this before. Why would anyone CHOOSE misery?
        
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        [Old Memory]
        
        12 years ago
        
        Some people are just totally and completely incapable of feeling joy at whatever is in their life. If you handed them a winning lottery ticket they would complain about having to pick it up or that now everyone would want a piece of the winnings instead of celebrating a once in several lifetime occurence.
        
        She isnt actively seeing joy and misery and choosing misery, misery is the only thing she sees and its all she knows.
        
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underager

12 years ago

Someway, somehow your friend is getting some pay-off or reward, if you will, for behaving like this. Whether it's sympathy or getting out of doing stuff she doesn't want to do, on some level she is getting something out of living her life this way. Just don't let her destroy yours in the process!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Yeah, she does get some reward for it but I can't see how the reward is worth her being miserable for.
  
  It would explain why she acts like such a child.
  
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beastie

12 years ago

I understand she's had a rough time. But so have a lot of people.
Sounds like she couldn't have a better friend than the way she has in you.
But you can't fix her. She's an adult now and has been for decades - she can get help.
She is an emotional vampire (Google it) and she will bleed you dry of everything you have - sympathy, time, emotion - with no intention of changing one damn thing about herself.
It sounds to me as if you're reaching burnout and I'm not surprised!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  I did Google it and oh my Gawd.
  
  She is considered by her husband to be a downer. She is like a dark cloud draining the happiness from the house and it is to the point where her very presence drains the energy in the house. Thank you so much for your post.
  
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karmasAbich

12 years ago

A lot of people, live in the past. Sure they complain about todays events and recognize todays events but, they link these present events, with past events. When you get stuck into this pattern, its very easy to lose track of time, in a sense. As you can see here, with your friends wife. What she needs to do, although it will probably be extremely difficult now, is recognize the fact that what happened as happened, and its up to HER to change that. Not her husband, not her mom. Her. Its her perception of things, that is warped. Probably due to traumatic events. Honestly she should have gotten help a long time ago, and I am sure you know this. She needs to change her attitude, her perception on life, and live a life. Not live a particular event over and over again.

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ilikebatman

12 years ago

Things that happen at a young age mould your personality and can affect you for years afterwards. If she blames every little thing she does wrong, then yes it's going over the top, but it's likely that her attitude towards some things was affected by how she was treated when she was young.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  She blames all of her bad habits (her drug use, smoking, etc.) on her Mother. So yeah, she blames everything on her Mother. She first blames her depression and then blames that on her Mother. She doesn't try to change or anything, she just explains that if her Mother hadn't done this or if her husband wasn't like this then she wouldn't do this...
  
  Now that I think about it, I do not think that she has taken personal responsibility for anything that she has done...
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal that she still blames her mother?