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My toilet paper is so soft that every wipe feels like it is gently kissing my genitals and bum. Well, it used to be that soft. I don't know what happened but now when I use it is often rough but still durable as always. It is still made from recycled trees and it is soft to my touch. So, why is it suddenly so rough on my nether regions?
My terlet is a potty mouth. Just yesterday it told me to eat shit. Umm hello?! That is YOUR job you porcelain pissface!
Take this whip and beat it good. If you do it right, you may just find your toilet begging for more... so much more.
The bath tub can whine all it wants! I don't care! I am going to get the shower wet! I will keep the bath tub dry! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Well the toilet paper did so much for you, yet you did nothing to pay him back for all his services! He got tired of kissing the shit off your ass! Get on your knees and beg him for forgiveness! BEG HIM YOU BELLOWING PIECE OF CHAFFED USED LEATHER!!!!!!
You neglect to realize that I wasn't just wiping my ass. I also wiping my genitals... How could my toilet paper not enjoy that? I gave it plenty of time to clean them, interact with them and kiss them. It probably even inhaled them, I wouldn't be much surprised if it did after all, its expected.
My mistake. Take that rough piece of sandpaper and burn him alive! Gather all the other rolls of toilet paper so they can watch his untimely demise into the depths of the frozen fire pit! Yes, there will be blood. LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOOD!!!!
Or, I could torture my toilet paper but alas, for you see, it has been more than one that has been bitching to my delicates. Good green money has gone into buying those recycled rolls in that store that smells like a type of spicy vegetation fit for smoking. It would be a shame to waste it so, this is why I think a little torture could be put to good use. I could like a match and place it close to those thin paper sheets. Not close enough to completely catch on fire but close enough to singe and cause pain. What if my chosen toilet paper happens to like the pain. Think that I have kinky feeling for it then I wouldn't be able to get my point of pain across. I'd have to throw it! Throw it across the room, crashes into a door or I'd have to drown it slightly. Dampen those sheets. Oh! My toilet paper might be reminded of all those times I used it to wipe my genitals, the wetness being soaked up by those spicy sheets...