Is it normal that my opinion changed?

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18 Comments

I used to think that not having a father around while I was growing up didn't have a negative effect on me, but I'm starting to really see that it has.

I thought having only a mother was good enough. Bless her heart, she tried her best.

I'm starting to believe that I may be addicted to love. I feel like I NEED a man's attention and affection. I NEED to feel wanted and desired by the opposite sex.

I'm in a very vulnerable state right now and I feel like I pounce on anything that shows me any sort of attention. I don't have sex with them, but I do find myself crushing on them. Guys that aren't even worth the effort seem to have the greatest impact on me. I go through stages of deep depression, and I've found myself in one again.

I could go on for hours, but I'll cut it short here. Thanks for reading.

I don't know what to do.

Do I blame my absent father for all this pain? For not raising his daughter with any self worth?

Voting Results
80% Normal
Based on 40 votes (32 yes)
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Comments ( 18 )
  • SuperBenzid
    10 years ago

    There are plenty of women who had present fathers that still find themselves attracted to the wrong kind of guy and searching for validation.

    I think you're focusing on the possible cause of the problem when you need to be focusing on the problem itself. The cause isn't important at this point. Building a sense of self worth and the ability to develop affirming relationships with the opposite sex is. Are there people you talk with about this problem you are having?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Very well said.

      The only person I really talk to about it is my best friend. I probably need to see a professional, though.
      Since writing this post, I have been talking to a really amazing guy so I'm a lot happier. I do still need to find that happiness within myself.

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      • RomeoDeMontague
        10 years ago

        If it makes you feel any better I did have a father when I was growing up and he became a rude, possessive, periniod dick. That in the end pushed all of his family and everyone who cared about him away. I kind of wish I never knew him since I know he doesn't want any of us and never did really care about us.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I know some fathers that are physically there but are complete scumbags. When I refer to "absent father's", they are included.

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          • RomeoDeMontague
            10 years ago

            Yes sorry I know that its probobly not fun missing out on a dad. You should not let that change who you are as a person though. Instead of focusing on that just be the best person you can be. If they were not there you cant change that now. So focus on getting your life together and reaching your goals.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              10 years ago

              I'm in a lot better place than I was before.
              It's just weird how I've never seen not having a father around / having a shitty father around as a bad thing. I figured as long as you had a good mother, aunt / uncle, grandmother / grandfather etc raise you that you'd turn out fine. But my entire mindset changed after this last fall out with a male that I experienced.

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    • thatchickyouhate
      10 years ago

      this. very well said.

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  • Caryopteris
    10 years ago

    This can also happen if the father is around but doesn't give his daughter enough attention.

    You are smart enough to know it's a dangerous trap. Do try to be like my smart cousin, who waited until she was 30 and married a great guy who was a surgeon, instead of her sister who was addicted to a loser who wouldn't work.

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    You can't change the past, nor should you blame your father for his not being there, because it won't help.
    Your need for affection (attention?) may have a lot more to do with your present situation, if say, you have recently moved out of your mother's home?
    You didn't mention your age, nor you situation, so I'm guessing here, but as I also am a much better "half a couple" than a single person, I can empathize with you.
    The one truly important point you brought out was how you choose the wrong guys. It is very wise that you see this and that should be your focus, not laying blame or feeling depressed.
    You have to change your criteria for a guy and use common sense, not emotions or esthetics to choose a guy.
    If you are constantly choosing a particular "type" of guy and you know that he will hurt you, then aren't you setting yourself up to be hurt, IE; punished?
    Can you see what I'm saying?
    It's just like a catholic girl out on her own for the first time feels incredible guilt for enjoying all the things forbidden by the church.
    You are NOT responsible for your father leaving. Stop punishing yourself for something you had absolutely no control over and change the one thing you do have control over right now; the men you choose.
    I would suggest a not so good looking, maybe even "geeky" guy, with a good job (or getting good grades in school) who would appreciate your affection and not take advantage of you.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I'll be 21 by the end of the year. Still living with mom, unfortunately, raising my 2 year old son. He's father is a big part of his life.

      You're right. But I just recently started talking to this great looking guy. He has his head on straight and is looking to settle down which is a nice change. He's almost 23, hard-working, in the military. Takes care of his great aunt, little brother, and took care of his grandmother until she passed about three weeks ago. Pays all his bills himself, he's funny, kind-hearted, and we have a very natural connection.

      I do wonder how different I would be if I did have my father raise me alongside my mother.

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      • thegypsysailor
        10 years ago

        Different is not necessarily better. Play the hand with the cards you have been dealt.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Your desire to be with someone you don't know well is a delusion many people seem to have.
    There is no logical reason to want to be with someone you haven't known for a while.
    Happiness should only come from yourself.
    You cannot even be certain anyone besides yourself even truly exists beyond your perception.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Well, there are articles that state that a father's role/love benefits a child's mental development just as much, if not more than a mother's, which is sad considering how many people are brought up by single mothers.
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/9330961/A-loving-father-is-more-important-to-children.html

    You have to first figure out who's fault it actually is before trying to blame the father, he may be to blame, he may not be. You have no idea how hard it is (or maybe you do) for a father to gain custody of his child, or atleast 50% custody. Not to mention, to take such a thing is extremely costly.

    Who was the one that broke up the relationship between your father and mother? Start from there. Was it your father? If so, why? Get boths perspective on why, same goes on why the mother did, get both perspectives. Don't just listen to one parent's side, because it is most likely a bias one, and people sometimes go as far as to accuse father's of abuse to ensure they cannot see their child.

    Sadly, we are raising generation after generation of the family being split up, which is making this happen, along with many other negative spins.

    Don't blame the father straight off the bat, a lot of fathers have done their best or wanted to be in their child's life, just to have the mother and the family court system prevent it from happening due to how bias against fathers they are.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I witnessed my father physically and verbally abusing my mother as I was a child. I was naïve to it all, I was daddy's little girl. He was in and out of jail for numerous different reasons. He blames everyone else for his problems and doesn't take accountability for anything.

      Overall, he's a horrible human being. I didn't choose to be born to such a man. It was completely his fault that he wasn't around. He's tried coming around now that I'm an adult with a child of my own, but I refuse to let anyone like that around my baby.

      My son's father and I aren't together, but he's very much part of his life. Parents don't necessarily have to be together to raise a child.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    10 years ago

    I honestly feel like I need someone else to make me happy. Whether I'm with them or not, I just need validation from someone other than myself. Male validation. Approval. I'm happiest when I'm in a relationship.

    I definitely do find myself hung up on the wrong people. I crush easily and hard. A lot harder than I should. I honestly don't know what steps I need to take in order to be genuinely happy with myself.

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    • RoseIsabella
      10 years ago

      I'm sorry you're having this issue but going with those feelings is a good way to really mess up your life!

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        10 years ago

        I know. I've experience that firsthand :(.

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  • Short4Words
    10 years ago

    I can't say I know anything about absent fathers, and I'm a male, but I do know about being hung up on people I probably have no business in being hung up on. I wish sometimes that I never met them, because real opportunities show up and I can't forget the one from before. It seems like you are getting hung up on the wrong people too, have you ever thought of shifting the focus to yourself. What else do you need to make you happy, because I got a laundry list that I need to go through before I really consider a relationship.

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