Is it normal that my mom worries this much?

63% Normal

I have a serious physical illness. In spite of this though, I am able to attend university part time, hold down a job part time, and I have my own apartment.

The problem is my mom. If she calls and doesn't hear from me within a few hours, she panics and literally assumes I'm dead. Last weekend, she called me on Sunday night, but I didn't realize it. By Monday morning, she had called the hospital, the ER, the clinic, and both my doctors. She also called several of my friends and one of my professors, and left several messages for me, the last of which threatening to call the police. Later that same morning, a friend sent me an email saying she was looking for me, and that's when I realized my phone had died (I went to bed early, so I didn't realize about the phone).

This isn't the first my mom has freaked out. Last year I stayed overnight at a friend's (only one night, but I didn't have my phone). Because of this latest incident, my mom now wants a set of keys to my apartment, the name and number of my landlord, and also wants me to let her know if I ever plan to spend the night at someone else's house.

I understand her concern because of my illness, but I feel she is worrying way too much. I have lived on my own for over 3 years, and there's never been an actual emergency. I feel really embarrassed when she phones everyone looking for me, and I don't think I should have to tell her if I am going away for a couple of days. I also think I should be able to turn off my phone if I like. She shouldn't start worrying after only a couple of hours.

So, am I normal in thinking she's worrying too much, or should I just be going along with it?

Voting Results

63% Normal

Based on 35 votes (22 yes)

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Comments ( 22 )

thegypsysailor

10 years ago

We had informed my first wife's parents that we about to embark on a voyage from Hawaii to Tahiti that would take at least 30 days and as this was long before the instant communication of the internet, that it might be 45 to 60 days before they heard from us.
After 15 days they contacted virtually every Pacific nation (even Australia and New Zealand, thousands of miles and months of sailing from our intended route) demanding information.
When we arrived in Tahiti, pretty much on schedule (30 days), we were accosted by every law enforcement and government official in the general south Pacific area who had agents in Tahiti. Thousands of man hours and hundreds of thousands of dollars had been spent on searches (we had sailed through very lightly traveled waters far beyond the reach of SAR aircraft and satellites didn't exist).
We shut the parents down quite firmly, stating that we would no longer communicate with them at all, if this ever happened again.
I realize that it was all done out of love and concern, but this sort of irrational behavior was not acceptable, period!
You might talk with your mother, saying you understand her concerns, but it is your life and this is how you choose to live it, no matter the consequences. If she just will not take your feelings into consideration, then perhaps a parting of the ways is called for; change your phone #, tell your friends not to answer her calls and do not contact her at all, for a while.

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- Avant-Garde
  
  10 years ago
  
  I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that! Were repercussions put on them because of all the time and money that they wasted?
  
  This really remind me of something that happened to one of my aunt's daughters a few years ago. To put it simply she is one of a few black sheep in the family, at least that I know of. The family is very nosy and mental and they often flip out over unnecessary things.
  
  My aunt's daughter had apparently agreed to meet up with another relative at this place, but she never did. I believe this person whom she was supposed to meet actually called up the family over this and they freaked out and wanted to call the police. Someone suggested that they should go to her home first before calling the police. I think three people went to her home. However, they found out (I believe from the new owner) that she wasn't living there and had sold the home months ago. Then the family really started freaking out and they called the police. The police set up a search for this relative. A think about a month or two later, the police found out that the relative had actually moved to another state. The family got very upset because they couldn't understand why she would do this and not tell them. I think at the advising of the police, the relative was made to make a call to her mom because I don't think that my family even wanted to believe the police's findings! You'd think that they would've stopped their quibbling, but they didn't. My mother's mother even had the gull to talk negatively towards the woman calling her various things, saying that what she did was horrible.
  
  I personally don't think what she did was horrible. What she should of done, that is if she really didn't want to be bothered or found, was to have moved to another country and changed her name. Or, once found she could have gotten a restraining order. But then, taxpayer's money as well as all of those people's time would have been wasted.
  
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Avant-Garde

10 years ago

Not normal. I really think you should go in for family therapy because this woman is extreme and she needs to understand boundaries and how irrational she's being. There's a difference between normal worry and what she's doing. How are going to live your life to the fullest if she's being so obsessive?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  10 years ago
  
  I wish my mom would agree to therapy. I'm thinking about going to the counselor on campus to talk about it.
  
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  - Avant-Garde
    
    10 years ago
    
    I think talking to the counsellor is an excellent idea. This person should be able to help with this issue. Perhaps, the two of you could come up with a way to get her to see a therapist. For instance, lets say you get her to come along to one of your sessions under the guise that its for you when really it is for HER and the problems she is causing you with her behaviour.
    
    Good Luck.
    
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Sog

10 years ago

My mom was actually pretty close to this bad. The instance you described was nearly identical to one that I had.

On my last day of college the plan was that I would take a final exam and then she would come up for dinner and start to help me move out. I accidentally told her that my exam was scheduled one slot before the one it actually was (four hours) and also forgot my phone at home (would have been useless anyway though as I can't be answering it while taking the exam).

In the four hours that I was taking the exam, she left about 20 voice mails asking where I was and there were a few more from the school who said they were looking for me.

After college I had to "train" her out of this. Maybe I don't always answer my phone immediately, but call an hour or two later. She also had a habit of calling me back a minute or two after we end a call - sometimes even two or three more times. I would not answer those calls. Eventually after a year or two she got the point and now she doesn't seem to mind as long as she hears from me once or twice a week.

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Isabella80s

10 years ago

You're the most important thing (or one of them if you have siblings) in the world to your mum and the worst thing in the world would be if anything happened to you. As you're a bit more vulnerable because of this illness, her fears have, understandably, become exaggerated and compounded. However, she has crossed a line! Maybe have an honest talk with her and say that whilst you can't understand what it feels like from her point of view, you do see that as your parent, she's going to worry, especially given your situation. Perhaps you can strike a balance. So agree to send a text at the end of each day or something? Or an email? Just to reassure her. But also agree that she won't be trying to call you just because she doesn't hear from you for a few hours. You can reassure her without it having a negative impact on your life and your own time. I'm sorry you have to deal with this illness, it must be a pain and it's obviously having a 'domino effect' on your mum. As you say, you know it has an impact on her worrying but if you can strike a healthy balance, I'm sure she'll feel reassured and you won't feel hassled!

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- Queen^of^Spades
  
  10 years ago
  
  I have been having honest talks with her since i was a kid. She's still the same..
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  10 years ago
  
  Yes I definitely love my mom and appreciate her, she's a good parent in many respects. I was ill a lot as a young child and I think its impacted her, traumatized her even, and now she's having trouble letting go. I have told her this, we have had discussions, but she still feels perfectly justified and rational in what she's doing. I email her several times a week. In fact on the Sunday she freaked out, I had emailed her just a couple of hours beforehand. So I said to her, why didn't you just check email before assuming the worst? But she made an excuse about not being near the computer. The text idea is definitely good, I'm going to try it.
  
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  - Isabella80s
    
    10 years ago
    
    It may be hard but I guess you need to tell her she's still crossing a line and that things would be ok if she just brought it down a peg. Because it sounds like worrying is crossing over into paranoia. Good luck with the texting thing.
    
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Queen^of^Spades

10 years ago

That's what my mum does too..i basically threatened her with civil disobedience if she "forgot" that i own a cell phone again.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  10 years ago
  
  Yeah this last time I said to her why didn't you email me, because maybe my phone died?? Because we do email a fair bit and I check it several times a day. But all she said was "for various reasons I could not email". She feels completely justified in what she's doing.
  
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RoseIsabella

10 years ago

Sounds pretty extreme. With what kind of illness are you afflicted?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  10 years ago
  
  Its a kidney disease, and I need a transplant. So part of me does get my mom's worry. On the other hand, I have made it on my own for over 3 years, no problem.
  
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Terence_the_viking

10 years ago

It's a parents job to worry.

Are you a parent?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  10 years ago
  
  I could understand if say, nobody had heard from me for 2 days. But I am not a hermit, I have friends and I see people at class and work practically every day. There are also directives in place for me should there be an emergency. If I was in hospital my mom would be called.
  
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  - Terence_the_viking
    
    10 years ago
    
    You really didn't get the point of what i just said did you?
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      10 years ago
      
      She's my parent so she's going to worry. But my point is that its excessive. And no I am not a parent.
      
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      - Terence_the_viking
        
        10 years ago
        
        Sorry all i was trying to say was try to understand from a parents point of view it might be a little less frustrating.
        
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blue_avocado

10 years ago

I have an extreme worrier mom and I am a mom of a preteen and a teen. I find that I have to really dial down the crazy because I'm a worrier too. I totally blame my mom. My mom blames my grandma. Your mom needs some therapy to help control it if she's unable to see it and control it on her own.

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[Old Memory]

10 years ago

That is awesome that you are holding down a job and going to school at the same time despite your illness. Not a lot of people even have jobs these days. You should pat yourself on the back. It seems completely normal for your mom to be worried. My mom got the same way after I spent a year in the hospital. I talk to her everyday on the phone even though she lives in Washington state and I live in an undisclosed Southern state.

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- NotStrangeBird
  
  10 years ago
  
  A southern state? You have my deepest sympathies.
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal that my mom worries this much?