Is it normal that my husband calls me stupid everyday

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39 Comments

My husbands constantly tells me that I'm stupid, useless and a burden. When I was pregnant he called me and my son that. I use to work and suddenly had to quit because I can't get my one year old to take any solid I swear. So its frustrating that I can't work until medically I figure things out that the doctors are saying is normal. But he keeps telling me that I can't talk about things in the home because I'm unemployed. If things goes bad with him he would tell his friends and family the worse things about me for them to call me names and stop talking to me. I cry myself to sleep sometimes and I get depressed. But at the end of the day he says he loves me

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Based on 45 votes (1 yes)
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Comments ( 39 )
  • justbecause11
    6 years ago

    You need to get out. There has to be some sort of domestic violence center in your area that will help. If you can't find one contact your local law enforcement agency and they will help too.

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  • charli.m
    6 years ago

    I know it seems like your choices are limited right now. But if he is going to crush you like this, with zero respect for what you are doing for his child, and if he is not willing to change, then it is best for you and your son to get out of there before he escalates.

    I also understand that it seems too overwhelming to do all this on your own.

    Do you have family or friends who can help you til you get back on your feet?

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  • samiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
    6 years ago

    In a very intimate way talk to him about your feelings. Its stupid that you'r letting him walk all over you and not doing anything about it.

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    • JonathanOo
      6 years ago

      I agree, you shouldn't ever have to deal with that

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  • [Old Memory]
    6 years ago

    You're certainly stupid if you stay with a man who verbally abuses your child. Think like a mother. Where's your mama bear instinct?

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    • charli.m
      6 years ago

      https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

      Calling a domestic violence victim, even if it is "just" verbal, stupid...is one of the least helpful things you can do.

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      • [Old Memory]
        6 years ago

        This isn't just about them anymore, it's about a child. I'll hurt some damn feelings if it means getting a child out of a home before the abuse gets serious. If it was just her in this situation, sure, I'll read her every scripted line with a honeyed tongue. But this is a child we are talking about.

        My mother was beat and she stayed, which means I would soon get beat, she still stayed, she kept me in a room with a monster because she was afraid. I resent her for it.

        This is your kid, you fight till your dying fuckin' breath if it means keeping them safe.

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        • charli.m
          6 years ago

          It's not about hurting feelings.

          I can understand where you're coming from, and I'm sorry that you were put through that, but you clearly didn't watch the video I linked. It's a matter of psychological abuse and conditioning, and blaming the victim for what the perpetrator does to them is not helpful.

          You are essentially assisting this woman's abuser, even though your intent is the opposite. That may sound harsh, but it is true.

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          • [Old Memory]
            6 years ago

            I'm on mobile and the link is too complex to copy. But you aren't going to be getting any sympathy out of me on this one, I have no respect for a parent who keeps a child in an abusive situation, I don't care what the costs are. And if she is brainwashed or abused so bad that she can't force herself to leave, or atleast get her son out of there, then I can only pray that the gods will send someone who isn't as weak who can take the child away from her.

            My brother died at the hands of child abuse, and I can't exactly say I'm lucky to have survived it with how fucked up mentally I am now. There is no time for gentle handling of this situation.

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            • charli.m
              6 years ago

              I'm sorry for that. No one should have to experience that.

              But victim blaming is still not the answer.

              Would you blame a rape victim for not doing enough to protect themselves?

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  • [Old Memory]
    5 years ago

    Even I think this guy is an asshole

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  • hzcrsn
    6 years ago

    It's completely up to you. Do you love him? Do you think he's genuinely in love with you? Do you feel uncomfortable and want out? If you really feel that it's an unhealthy marriage, cut off ties fast before it gets nasty. Think about your kids too. I have divorced parents and really glad my mom divorced my dad. It sucks hearing them fight every night and it sucks my mom wasted all those years.

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  • 1979guy
    6 years ago

    Abuse is more than just physical. Mental abuse is a big thing. It breaks a person down and makes them feel worthless. I'm in a similar situation with my wife. It's a very hard thing to deal with and it has made me numb to the world. I really don't care about much anymore. That's one thing mental abuse does. Please try and find some help in your area.

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  • xfg-48
    6 years ago

    Are you unable to cook a decent meal or clean the house properly? Find a way to contribute.

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  • TheJesus
    6 years ago

    My dad says that if you work hard enough on proper use of grammar, your situation is likely to change dramatically.

    He also wanted me to point out the use of "I" or "I'm", at least 11 times in the post (I think he's trying to make some kind of obscure point).

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    • upcomingmadame
      6 years ago

      I don't get the point you're trying to bring across. What do you suggest I use instead of "I"? Seeing that I'm talking about myself

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  • [Old Memory]
    6 years ago

    I think people need to not just go, "Poor girl" and look at it from both sides.

    The way he is treating you is wrong, he shouldnt be doing it. That said, it seems like it's been caused due to you not being employed, which I'm assuming means there's less money in the household now, perhaps he now has to work even more even though the reason you're not working is for reasons the doctors have already assured you is normal?

    You're a new mother, so I'll assume being worried is entirely normal but maybe don't be so paranoid so much that it's made you quit your job which cuts the income your family needs.

    What is suggest is that the lack of money and possibly him having to do more work because you've perhaps overreacted about the child issue has caused him to be frustrated with you, found you lazy and now hhe's having to pick up your slack, and in all honesty I cant say I'd be happy if I was in the same situation.

    I think the solution is to trust the doctors/professionals, don't worry about the child so much, get a job again, don't leave it all on your man, and go back to the way it was, both supporting the household. I'm certain of that happened that your partners tune will change to the way it was before. If not and he continues then maybe consider talking to him and explain you won't be disrespected and if he persists then up and leave. However a talk like that won't work unless you sort the problem, which is clearly that he's now having to do all the work for the income perhaps due to your overreactions, and he will continue to have less respect for you.

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    • Drunkuncle
      6 years ago

      There's no excuse for her husband's behavior.

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      • [Old Memory]
        6 years ago

        Look, the situation is tricky. Remember that these are two people relying on eachother to get through life, and they have to split responsibilities.

        From what I've read I get the impression this has only recently started since he's had to be the only provider due to the OPs decisions, decisions that aren't warranted due to what professionals have said.

        I think it's entirely understandable that OPs partner would become aggrivated with OPs decision to cut their income for reasons unneeded, putting more pressure on him.

        I'm sure you're thinking he's just doing it to be spiteful, and maybe he is, I don't know, however we can't just line out the possibility that this is brought on from OP unjustly loading far more responsibility and possibly time into providing for no justified reason.

        Have you ever been peed off because you've had to take responsibility for someone else's decisions that took a large amount of time? You're only human so I assume you have. Now imagine that being your life constantly now because of someone else's decisions, and then I think you'd be able to understand the possible dilemma here.

        I mean we can pretend telling her he's wrong, she doesn't need to make changes herself, but that isn't going to help her if she wants a future with her man. If this is caused because she isn't doing her part to bring in income then just saying he is wrong isn't going to change him getting frustrated which causes it. If we give her advice, hard to swollow advice, then she could have a happy future with him.

        If she doesn't want a future with him, then it changes everything but if she does, saying, "he's bad" and not going through it all is jus. Going to make it worse.

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        • wigz
          6 years ago

          I see your point and agree that extra stress can make a person lash out but I think the way this guy is acting is well beyond a simple freakout. You have to have a serious lack of respect for your partner, and a really detached position from the child/childcare, to do what he's doing. Even if she did just go get a job, it's not going to fix his problems.

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          • [Old Memory]
            6 years ago

            Well I don't think we will know 100% so all we can do is offer suggestions of what we think is most likely.

            I personally think it is the job part from what she's said and possibly him having to take up more work due to it that's the cause, and he blames her for that. I don't think something like this would just be a one arguement and move on with it issue, I think it'll continue to agitate him for as long as it goes on.
            I definetly agree that he's lost respect for her but I think that's only really going to be sorted if she takes on some work to bring in income, just telling him he's being disrespectful won't stop what triggeres what makes him lose respect for her.

            Well she gives the impression this has only started since she quit her job. I may be wrong and if I am then pretty much everything I've said can gladly be chucked out the window but if I'm right I think it's fair to say it's likely the cause of the new attitude he has.

            That's assuming we have all the necessary info in this, though. You know what it's like, we end up just getting half the story and have to read between the lines to get a little more. Lol.

            How you been anyway? Long time no see. IIN still the same or have most of the old regulars left? :)

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            • wigz
              6 years ago

              I've been ok. Honestly not great but just ok, getting by. How have you been? I come here a few times a week, jeez there's only a few regulars I recognize anymore.

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    • upcomingmadame
      6 years ago

      I've been called from day cares asking to come pick him up, because nobody is getting him to eat. That's why I had to stop working. The doctors said that he would eat when he's ready. There isn't anything that I don't do, I cook, clean. Everything. I take extra classes online while I'm home to become more qualified in life

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      • [Old Memory]
        6 years ago

        Seems a bit tricky, and don't think I'm trying to villify you, I'm not. Couples have fucked up moments where not the best decisions are made, not the right things are said, but they're still overall good people.

        Have you tried every single avenue in the food issue? Maybe different types of food? He's survived this long so he's clearly eating, maybe you're trying to give him more than he needs or things he doesn't like? I'm not a parent so I'm not a specialist.

        I understand you may do quite a bit around the house and online classes but that doesn't take the strain of your partner having to provide solely. This is where I think the cause of his demeaning comments come from.

        I'd maybe suggest trying to take up a job you can do at home? With hours that aren't around the time your child is at kindergarten or whatever. That could help this issue.

        I may seem mean here by saying what I've said but it feels like what I've explained me be the cause of it. If you wanna opt out of the relationship then that's your choice but if you want to work on it and get it back to the way it was before then I think you need to consider getting a job of some sorts, one that could work between employment and being around your child. If you don't I think your partner will just keep getting frustrated and continue to do this.

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        • wigz
          6 years ago

          I don't think her unemployment is the source of his frustration and acting out. She says in the OP that he called her and their son names while she was still pregnant and working. This guy has issues, that's partly why I said her getting a job won't fix anything. He has no respect for her or any real concern for the child.

          A child can't stay in day care if it's not eating. What is she supposed to do? Legally for liability concerns the day care has to call the parent/hospital and get the child off their hands if there's even the slightest concern for its health. One parent has to be available to take him and that has cost them a job. This isn't exactly something they can go 50/50 on or else both of them will lose their jobs. Plus, he can't breastfeed! The compromise is, he works, she takes full responsibility for the kid, especially since he is only eating breastmilk.
          Being chained to a baby and feeding it from your own body is not leisure time nor is it useless, without doing it the baby would be dead or in serious medical need and parents would be guilty of neglect.

          I also don't see the great benefit in her working to bring home a bit more money, especially at the expense of their son's health and wellness. There are short and long term consequences to the level of care you give a child. There's assistance out there from parenting help to financial/food assistance, instead of trying to leave her son while he's clearly not adjusting to it well just to make a few dollars, why not apply for assistance? This is exactly what these programs are for....a hand up!

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          • [Old Memory]
            6 years ago

            Not gonna respond in full to everything you've said because I've re-read the OP and gotta say I don't know why the hell I didn't address certain things that she mentioned that you brought up.

            I must of read it too fast or something because I didn't realize it happened while she's pregnant and the telling family stuff.

            So I'll deffo have to agree with ya, it's not due to unemployment, might of added to it later on but it's not the root of the issue.

            I think probably she needs to talk to him, possibly some sort of councilling, or one of them needs to stay with family or friends, moreso the guy.

            But yeah, I messed up, pretty lazy on my part. Ta for correcting me.

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        • upcomingmadame
          6 years ago

          Yes he's surviving on breast milk

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