Is it normal that my friends have changed and i've become depressed?
I used to have a great group of warm, supportive, kind friends. We'd support each other through the thin and thicks, they kept me going in life. Going through all the trouble at home, dealing with all the trouble I'd face on a daily basis, I honestly don't think I'd be alive today without them. I was incredibly lucky to have found these friends.
Now, everything's different. In my environment, there were these hateful and bitter people. They were the majority and they would show no mercy to anyone who didn't act similar to them. Our little happy group was split apart. Everyone changed, including me. In fact, I may have had the worst change of all. I changed into a bitter and hateful person, I dicked everything up and it can never be changed back.
These bitter and hateful people are no longer the majority, but their problems and changes they caused will never be erased. One of my friends is on the verge of suicide and I'm powerless to stop them. I'm useless to them, they don't want me as a friend anymore. I could never help them.
Other friends of mine changed to me, naturally, as I turned into one of the bitter hateful people for awhile. They could no longer 'open their hearts' to me and we could no longer be a happy group. I think the rest of them are picking up the pieces and slowly coming back together. I try to also join back with them, I've apologised profusely, but I know I can never atone for what happened. We can never be friends again.
I can't recover from these losses either, because there's an endless cycle of pain that refuses to end. This cycle consists of:
Hope (it seems like we're being friends again) -> dissapointment (I realise we're actually not growing closer at all) -> Sadness (the remainder of my hope begins to fade and I feel worse and worse -> Depression (I know it'll never be the same, I'll never be happy like I was and I don't feel like doing anything.)
This cycle just keeps restarting because I keep seeing them but with the same social facade and the same emotional guards up, yet some days it feels like they really will treat me like they did before. Then I realise my expectations were too high and that I misinterpreted what they were saying and that it was still the same as before.
Just avoiding them and never seeing them is too painful for me to face, though, it's a bit like grief. I've lost these happy people, these people that were always there for me because I screwed it up. I don't want to face that, I don't want to go through the stages of recovery and so I just stay trapped in this painful cycle. I'm too afraid to do anything.
It's gotten to the point where I just lie on my bed, doing nothing. I feel like there will be nothing good in my life ever again and am taking too many days off my work. I just don't know what to do, is there anything I can do?
Is this normal? Has anyone else had to cope with this? What did you do? Please, any help at all is greatly appreciated. Even if it's criticism, I understand I've been idiotic and am paying for it.
Note: I'm sorry this is so long, feel free to skim through it.