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My boyfriend of about four years wants to have casual sex with his best friend with or without him being there. I love my boyfriend dearly I just dont understand why he would want this
I apologize for this, OP, but...
Can I point out that the mistake of leaving out the word "me" makes the question really really funny?
I wonder how a guy has gay sex with his best friend without being there xD
This means a few things.
1. He trusts you enough to not take his friend over you.
2. He thinks you're sexy enough to want to treat his friend to you.
3. He is comfortable enough to tell you this.
4. He is open-minded enough to accept that you might want to experience sex with other people.
The bottom line is, it's definitely worth trying (especially if his friend is hot), but by no means feel forced to do it. Don't do it if you don't want to, and DEFINITELY don't break up with him over this. If he trusts you this much, he is obviously worth keeping.
Weird to say, but this may stem from his own personal jelousy. I don't know the whole situation, but he might be saying this bitterly. Not you, but on thi sinside, it could be like that, maybe?
Maybe he cheated on you and thinks his feelings of guilt will go away if you get even...?
I'd venture that it probably has a lot more to do with a sexual fantasy of his rather than a portent of ill omen. The other advice given is worth considering, but I would also urge you to think about this.
A lot of people have different fantasies and fetishes. Some of them are pretty embarrassing and difficult to talk about, ESPECIALLY with our partners, as ironic as that is. Sometimes not really knowing how to deal with that can lead to confusing behavior, and choices that leave people hurt. It could be possible that that's what's going on here. It doesn't mean it's okay for him to not communicate with you, and to hurt your feelings by proposing this idea to you, but it could be the reason.
I think the biggest problem in this scenario is that there isn't enough communication and open trust. Couldn't you simply ask him why? A good couple should be able to talk about stuff like this. I would urge that when you do, you try to let him know that it hurts you, but approach the topic with an open mind, and try not to let your emotions stop you from hearing out what he has to say as well. If he is comfortable and trusts you, he will probably let you know.
Once both of you know where the other stands, it should be easier to address whatever it is that is making him want to tell you to have sex with his friend, and the two of you can handle that together, as partners.
Unless you experience this most people will say you should dump him. I've been through this and its just a pure fantasy. My gf and I do this all the time we are very loving and care about eachother. We would never cheat on eachother. We always ask eachother if we can do things with other people. If one person isnt ok with it we drop it no questions asked. We have done many 3 somes and we really enjoy it. It adds excitement to our sex life. We are honest with eachother and we both know we wouldnt be together if we werent in love.
I would say you should find out why.
Maybe he's only testing to see how you would react and if you would do that?
Also, if he would take sexual gratification from that, most likely he would WANT to be present, but doesn't seem to care?
Depending on your boyfriend, it may also be a REALLY stupid or really dangerous reason. A stupid reason would be that he "lost" you in poker night and thinks he "can't back out". A dangerous reason would be if his friend has something on him...that could be as well something criminal, but also something like knowing that he cheated on you.
That latter part may also be a reason for him to act like this...if HE cheated and feels guilty, maybe he wants you to cheat too, so it's not onesided. some guys have weird logic.
A final, and incredibly cruel thing may be that you are close to a break-up, without knowing, or he already has someone new, and before it's over, also wants his best friends to "enjoy" you as a friendship service, as he won't care about you afterwards, anyway, and you are great in bed.
Either way, something DOES seem fishy. I don't agree with Jen about leaving him right away, but i do agree that it's not normal, unless there are reasons for it, and if there ARE reasons, you had best find them out if you still love him, and are prepared to find something ugly at the core(all the better if there's not, but still, be prepared).
True! I agree with you. She really should find out the reason before she leaves him.
As someone with simialar fantasies/desires I can assure you it doesn't have to be any of these very nefarious reasons you list above. It's so typical for women to frame men into their completely incompatible mindset... we do not think alike, at all. The above comments to me sound ridiculous borderline insane.
I will say this: my wife and I divorced partly because of our differences in this regard. I constantly expressed desires that she didn't appreciate or comperhend including the one expressed in this post. Our sex life became very dull over the years, and we drifted apart. Sex absolutely matters.
yes, it doesn't _HAVE_ to be one of the reasons.
however, for her to worry, it's sufficient that it _COULD_ be one of those reasons.
if it's really only a phantasy, they can take it from there, but if she doesn't want it, he'll have to accept.
My advice was to find out WHAT exactly is his motivation for suddenly bringing this up after 4 years of relationship.
Nowadays, i'm no longer shy about my desires, but i know even when i was, i would often drop hints or casually direct talk into directions...if he never even hinted at something like this and it then comes up, it simply does "smell fishy" to me.
As said, i don't claim it has to be some awful reason, i just advised her to find out WHY.
Your relationship is over and he wants an excuse to get rid of you.
If you're stupid enough to do it, he will then turn round and dump you saying, "I'm sorry I thought it was a good idea at the time but now I realise it wasn't and I can't forgive you!"
I could write their bloody scripts!
Heard all this crap before!
Oh dear it's really not normal. I know it may hurt you, but I'd say that you should leave him because he's no good for you.
It doesn't make any sense that a boyfriend would ever want his girlfriend to have sex with someone else. Isn't it a very basic duty for a boyfriend to protect or at least cherish his girlfriend's body?
Even if he doesn't protect you, he has no right to demand you to have sex with his friend. It's your body and you have complete control over your own body. Before you love your boyfriend, you should love yourself first. Don't do anything reckless easily for him.
Do you still think that he deserves your love? I know you may still love him so much to an extent which you listen to him. But he wants you to have sex with someone else - do you think that he's showing any respect to you? No matter he's forcing or asking you to do so, he's really rude.
I hate to say so, but I gotta say: leave him. Time will help you to realize what a person he really is.
Take care!
Never heard of openmindedness or alternative relationships? I am in a happy, loving relationship with fantastic communication. He's my best friend, and things are going great for us.
But *le gasp* we are in an open relationship. With or without him present Im pretty much allowed to do whatever I want, and vice versa. You say this means a lack of respect? I respect my significant other enough to not claim ownership of their body. I care for him so I want him to be free.
That is not to say that monagamy is incorrect either. Simply to say that polygamy is also an acceptable way of having a relationship if handled in a mature manner.
Also, he didnt demmand anything. He said that he wanted to. If Im not mistaken there is nothing wrong with asking your partner to try some new sexual thing. She did not say "bf forcing me to have sex" she literally said he wants her to, seems to me like youre trying to further demonize him by implying that hes forcing her into lewd, sexual deviancy, oh my! :P
There are more ways than one to live your life. There is not only one path that is "right." If you want to have a monagamous relationship then thats right for you. :)
I choose to have open, polyamorous relationships because it makes sense to me. Hell I choose to be an occasional exhibitionist because its fun. But respect for myself? I have plenty of it, I love my body and thats why I like to use it in such ways. :D
After reading your reply, I admit that I did make the assumption too soon. I guess it's crucial for us to know the true reason behind her boyfriend's proposal.
If her boyfriend is really just asking her to try out new sexual thing like how you say, then I really think it's fine as long as she accepts it. But it's also possible that there may be an ugly reason behind the proposal like TerryVie has suggested.
So she really should talk to her boyfriend first and find out the reason. I'm not that narrow-minded. I just kind of wrote my opinion in a rush and wasn't able to think of more possibilities. I know I should've thought of them before I told her to leave her boyfriend right away. I apologize for that.
At any rate, if finally the true reason behind the proposal turns out to be an ugly and unacceptable one, then I'd still advise her to leave her boyfriend.
Well thank you. :) I do allow that your suggestion could be true as well; sometimes I feel like too many people out there dont know how to have a healthy relationship with another person.
I simply wanted to point out an alternative suggestion, because I feel like a lot of times people don't consider alternative relationships or just forget to. There have been people who seem to think its less valid a relationship if the couple is open to sharing, but I feel like as long as everyones happy thats all that matters :)
I agree, JenAus1217 isn't being open to other people's different motivations or ideas of happiness.
You can have respect for one another and be in an open relationship, just as you can have no respect for one another and be in a closed relationship. If OP doesn't know or hasn't shared the motivation for her boyfriend's request, then we are in no position to declare he has no respect for her or that she should leave him. These are flippant statements.
Some people struggle to empathise with or understand alternative points of view. Glad you expressed your different situation.
A very wise answer. I don't go for polyamorous relationships myself but your post made me understand why you do. I can accept that completely.
Huh. Might be normal for some guys to want this kind of thing but I mean hey, does he even care if you even fancy the mate?
Doesn't float mine in the slightest. Might be slightly better if he knew I already wanted to but even then not sure.
Some guys are weird and like cuckholding. He gets off on ur level of sexual desire and seeming lack of inhibition.
If you want to, go for it seeming as he's allowing it but don't feel in any way pressured into doing so. Don't break up with him over it though, he's obviously open-minded and trusts you. Maybe he's doing it for you, like he might think you want to have sex with others or his friend impaticular, insecure? Just try to find out. It's probably just a fantasy of his. Or LOL maybe he wants his friend to know how good you are or some sort of stupid boasting thing? Which I doubt, I mean you've been together for four years, it's not some silly teenage lovers..
If you don't want to do it, then don't.
It's one thing to have an extra partner in bed but... usually it's done WITH your main partner watching or participating.
I dont think it's normal. How can he stand to see you or know you were with someone else?