Is it normal that my boyfriend treats me like this?

21% Normal

I love my boyfriend to bits, and he is perfect for me except he is terribly unromantic. He is sweet and kind, but doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. At first when he said that he wasn't great at expressing emotions, I thought okay thats all fine. But now we are close to the one year mark and I'm going crazy from it.

I'll send him love letters, make him breakfast in bed, offer him a massage after he get home from work, send him sexy stories starring the two of us, go an hour out of the way just to pick up his favourite meal, buy lingerie and body paint for a night in, etc. And he does nothing in return. At the time when I did these things I wasn't looking for him to return the favor in any way, its just recently I realised he never does anything for me like that.

We don't get to see each other often, so when we are together I like to make it memorable. I mean, he will take me out to the movies or take me out to dinner, but I feel like for him its a chore and he does it to keep me happy and he doesn't enjoy it at all. Whenever we finally have a semi-romantic mood going he does something to ruin it.

He says he loves me, and if I tell him he doesn't he gets upset. But when I asked him to make love to me, he said he wasn't sure if he could (we had sex before over a dozen times). Finally I got him agree to, and it was weird. He refused to make eye contact and it was a really uncomfortable experience. I've make love before and it had just naturally and was a great experience. But this just left me feeling upset.

The closes thing to romantic he has ever done was when I asked him to win me a stuffed toy in a claw machine and he said he didn't want to waste money on something so stupid. So I put my money in and begged him to win me something. Even then he refused, but eventually he agreed and won me a penguin that I name Tumnus. I love Tumnus to bits, its the only thing he has ever gotten me.

I love my boyfriend so much, and now I don't nag him to do anything romantic, because I know that if I want to be with him I should just expect he isn't the type and if I truely love him I should take him as is and not try to change him in anyway. But I really need advice on how to cope, sometimes I just feel so unloved from all this. I'd do anything for him, and I always thought a little romance is good for maintaining a happy relationship. Advice please?

Voting Results

21% Normal

Based on 114 votes (24 yes)

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Comments ( 29 )

[Old Memory]

12 years ago

accept him and be happy cause he cant be what he's not

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Thats the problem, I don't know how to just get over it. I love him, and I just really want him to show it.
  
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squirtle

12 years ago

sounds like you guys are just not compatible. you say you love him so much, but you don't sound happy at all. love is about compromise, but sometimes it's just not worth it. he can't give you what you need and it's not going to change. either lower your expectations or let him go and find someone else. im sorry to say I don't think your relationship will last long, but who am I to judge.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Thank you for your honesty, I think I'm just going to try and concentrate on the small things he does do. He is happy with how we are now, and I want to be happy too. Maybe I'll just read romance novels and get my romance fix from that lol. I really do love him and have for the last 8 years, I'm not giving up that easy.
  
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trytoforgetthis

12 years ago

It seems as though your own ideas of romance just need to be taken down a notch, or two. If you can talk for hours, laugh, and be comfortable together, why do you want him to be overbearingly sweet?

You come across as wanting to be "romantic", but all I hear is you wanting to be "worshipped" by this guy for all of the efforts you put in.

I would say to enjoy what you have and notice the little things he might do that you have overlooked in the past. Everything else in your relationship seems to be fine, but if you're looking for a way out and lack of romance is just an excuse, then leave him for someone you find more suitable because it may be that he deserves someone better as well.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Wow, we are in a long distance relationship and have been for a LONG time, I feel like things are getting stale. I mean, is it really horrible of me want him to say Happy Valentines Day? I love him, and I'm not leaving him ever. As I said in my story I'm looking for ways to deal with it, and its definitely not an excuse. We have laugh together and such, but I feel like a bestfriend who has sex with him most of the time. He says he loves me, but he says he can't make love to me. I'm just confused and wish there was a way to cope with his unromantic views.
  
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  - Maggie143
    
    12 years ago
    
    Umm... do you think that since you are in a long distance relationship that maybe he could be cheating on you? Maybe his lack of romance is a way of emotional detachment, the reason he can't "make love" to you. I hope he is not cheating on you, but I just had to say what came to my mind when I read your story.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      lol No, he isn't cheating. He talks to me every waking hour of the day and most of the night. Also I've known him forever, he is a honest decent guy. But thanks for commenting!
      
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  - trytoforgetthis
    
    12 years ago
    
    Some people just lack the romance.
    
    If he has explained this to you and you are both still doing well, regardless of distance, the best thing i can suggest is to lower your romantic expectations and use that energy on something more productive.
    
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chatter289

12 years ago

You have to make it clear to him that the relationship consists of 2 people, him and you. Everyone has special needs that need to be met which varies with everyone. Now, if he loves you as much as you love him (and you seem to love him a lot which is great) but he needs to COMPROMISE. That is the key key element there. Apart from truts and love. If you love someone you have to compromise, why? If you don'tcompromise then im sorry there is no love there. Sometimes people do things out of their comfort zone to make their other partner happy.

I would talk to him if i were you, you need to tell him that his lack of affection ( but i see it more as being lazy) is causing you distress. If you dont have communication you dont have anything. If he turns aroud to you and says, 'well this is how i am'.. Yes he was like that when you met him, when he was single, now he has you and you have needs and what you are asking is NOTHING compared to other women.

If he does not budge then, if i were you, i would STOP doing all those things. Because the more you keep doing all these things and the more you try = the more you would want it reciprocated it back.

Have a word with him, see what he says and if he refuses to change, STOP doing everything you do and see if his reaction will change to that. It may be that he has gotten so use to you doing everything that he does not see the necessity to do it back. Trust me, i know from experience. When you give them everything and do everything they will get in that comfort zone and do NOTHING in return because they dont have too since you are doing everything.

good luck

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Thank you for your advice, you made a lot of good points. He is willing to compromise on lots of things like retirement funds, where we are going to live, etc. But this one subject seems to be very touchy with him. He gets upset and thinks I see him as a bad boyfriend, when in fact I'm asking for just a little affection. Like cuddling and so on. But I'm just going to focus on the things he does do for me. Thanks again.
  
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Alterstein

12 years ago

May he thinks about marriage

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nikkig673

12 years ago

He is who he is. He may neva change. If u like romance bring it. Show him how its done n maybe he will catch on... he is single right? U just have to accept him or u won't b happy n u will drive him crazy. I've been taught if a man cant give u what u want, find one who can...

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Single? No... He is my boyfriend.
  
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  - nikkig673
    
    12 years ago
    
    Lol true... Meant are u tha only 1, I'm sure u will respond yes ; ) may take sum patience bt things will work out if u both want it tht bad
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      I know he wants to. I'm going to give a little when it comes to this.
      
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joybird

12 years ago

You are not going to ever change him :o( and eventually you will shrug your shoulders and either learn to live with it or dump him for someone more suitable in the next few years.

There must be some nice things he does for you?!

Otherwise, he may be playing the game of 'treat her mean, keep her keen.' I don't know but try your best to enjoy your time together.

Does he make you laugh?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  He has an awesome sense of humour, and we always have fun conversations. He tells me he loves me everyday and we talk for a min. of 4 hours a days, but he isn't romantic and sees romance as pointless and not worth his time.
  
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  - joybird
    
    12 years ago
    
    I think you'll find he has his own idea of romance - just to show he cares.
    
    I don't know if I have ever had a compliment off my husband but I'm married more than 20 years and we dated for 6 years before we got married. I never rush into anything! But, I know he would die for me and we laugh every single day. He does silly things that no-one else would appreciate eg. puts water in my car, checks the tyre pressures, brings me cups of tea, loads the washing machine ....
    
    People laugh and say I have him well-trained but actions speak louder than words, so this is why I think your bf must do little things to show he cares.
    
    A man that makes you laugh is worth a fortune to you!!!
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      Thank you for your post, it really meant a lot. I know he loves me, he just has trouble showing it. I'm going to definitely make an effort to enjoy and be thankful for all the little things he does for me. I also think the fact I'm his first long term relationship plays a factor. Again, thank you.
      
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Loh

12 years ago

You should really talk to him about it. Let it all out...Everyone needs affection and attentention from their lovers , but yours is not giving you that. Perhaps he needs help from a proffesional or something? Nobody should be begging for love or romance from their partners. By reading your story, i can tell your suffering and keeping it all in will make you crack. Let him know or let him go. I know it's hard because you love him but is it worth it loving someone who can't love you and satisfy your girly needs ?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  I try to talk to him about it and he gets seriously upset because in his own way he is trying(I think). Back when I was trying to change him, I sent a blank envolope with a stamp on it. He could have written something like "I love you" on a piece of scrap paper. I want him to be happy, and I feel like for one of us to get what we want, the other will be unhappy.
  
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  - Loh
    
    12 years ago
    
    Are you sure he's trying ? Because if he actually is ( i don't mean bringing you out for dinner cuz he feels like he has too ) that's good. But if he dosent change. You probably won't be able to handle it :/
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      12 years ago
      
      I think I'll just suck it up. In every other way we're prefect for each. I guess I'll just try and focus on that.
      
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      - Loh
        
        12 years ago
        
        Okay well good luck ! :) i hope you made the right choice and that hopefully your bf starts showing more love to you. BUT if this relationship only keeps making you sadder and sadder , i suggest you leave him, but only if your not satisfied with this relationship that is . 
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        12 years ago
        
        Thank you for your advice!
        
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NeuroNeptunian

12 years ago

Well is your relationship working out, despite the lack of romance? Do you guys even have things that you enjoy doing together? What are you even getting out of the relationship if he doesn't enjoy having sex with you and he makes you feel like his taking you out on dates is a chore?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  Oh, the sex is amazing and trust me he enjoys it, its the fact he can't make love that upsets me.He is really sweet other then that and we can talk for hours. Its that I don't feel like him is putting an equal amount of work into the relationship. He loves me in his own way, but has trouble expressing that. He usually tells me how much he loves me by text because of it.
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal that my boyfriend treats me like this?