Is it normal that my boyfriend of 8 years doesn't want to get engaged?

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My boyfriend of 8 years whom I have lived with for 6 years clams up and changes the topic whenever I raise the prospect of getting engaged. We have discussed our future and he said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but year after year I still wait. I even told him I don't need an expensive ring, or one at all - He said he just doesn't understand why people get married as it won't change anything in our relationship and is pointless. He is Chinese and I am Australian and neither of us are strongly religious why do you think he feels this way?

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Based on 69 votes (21 yes)

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Comments ( 24 )

lefthandedleo

13 years ago

Interesting. In my psychology class I learned that people that are with someone for many years and doesn't want to marry is usually because they're content with where they're at. If marriage is something you want in your future, but it's something your partner doesn't want, then yo must sit him down and talk about it and come to a mutual agreement somehow. Avoid the topic in general will cause many problems in your relationship.

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- zxy
  
  13 years ago
  
  Thats true, if things are already perfect a marriage can only make things go bad. My life was perfect before i met a girl, now i wish i was dead. I never appreciated my happiness.
  
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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  We are content but I suppose it's kind of like we are just cruising at the moment because we moved in together only 2 years into our relationship and it's kinda like well the next step is... anyway we have discussed it and he knows what I want but he just refuses to respond so I gave up talking to him about it. He wants to skip marriage and go straight to children.
  
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Risen_beauty

13 years ago

Oftentimes, people worry marriage will everything, and sometimes it does. People are happy and once they get married, the spark begins to fade. Are his parents happily married? As long as you have his assurance that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, why complain? Do you really need a piece of paper to reaffirm his feelings?

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  I am with him on the whole - it won't change much track because I don't think it will and it's not about the 'paper' either. If he took me down to a registry and had my surname changed to his and verbally stated he would spend the rest of my life with me I would be happy. We want a family - he will share the same name as our children... but I won't. In his culture though they marry and the females keep their maiden names anyway so I suppose he doesn't really understand why that's important to me. His parents have actually only recently said they are splitting up because of his dads repeated unfaithfulness... And as for the spark fading... if it hasn't faded for the last 8 years and all we have been through together (which is more than a lot of people will have to at this age) I'm not sure signing a document of marriage will take it away...
  
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8Serene8

13 years ago

If he hasent married you yet he isn't going to.

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andrian007

13 years ago

From what you're telling me, this is starting to sound worrying. Would it be correct to say that he has no intention of getting married? He doesn't believe in the institution of marriage in general?

Given that he actually wants to have children with you, this is a good sign that he is committed and that he really wants to spend the rest of his life with you. But there is just one thing to confirm. You need him to look you in the eye and tell you that he doesn't want marriage. When that is done, then you need to answer the fundamental question: are you alright with that? When that is answered, then you have your answer.

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BoredGuy

13 years ago

"you think I should start charging him"
that would be epic!

I won't get married either cause I think it's something fake

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blondie28

13 years ago

I'm a woman and feel the same way ur bf does, I'm engaged for the 2 nd time and I had no idea he was going to ask me!! Although I love him I feel like marriage is just a bad decision! I just feel like 90% of people just don't last foreve so why go thru an expensive divorce!!'

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  With the expensive divorce part. Living in Australia - we have lived together under the same roof for so long I can take him for half of everything we have now pretty much like a divorce and would be expensive; so that's not really what worries him.
  
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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  See that's where it gets me - "I just feel like 90% of people just don't last foreve so why go thru an expensive divorce!!"
  
  It's like expecting the relationship/marriage to fall apart and/or end in the future... thinking that way wouldn't really give a relationship a chance thinking it was bound to end in the future. I know it's a totally different generation but my great grandparents were married for 77 years before one of them passed and my grandparents at the moment have hit 55 years of marriage and are still really 'lovey dovey'. My parents are separated and have been for 14 years - never divorced officially though and are still friends and we still all do family things together (I'm 25 and my youngest sibling is 17).
  
  It just kinda feels like he doesn't want to make the ultimate commitment and has some reservations - if he's doubting something then why is he leading me astray.
  
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Goatmeat

13 years ago

Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free?

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  Buy? I'm not a street walker.
  
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Elegy

13 years ago

Will paper make you happy.You love each other.enjoy it

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  Being able to call him my husband and sharing his last name will.
  
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princess_louise

13 years ago

Spoke to him about it tonight. He said it's cuz he's too young to think about marriage - the time is not right; then he went on to tell me that right now the time is right for children lol that confuses it all so much more but as long as I have him in my life that's all that matters.

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anarchy-is-glory

13 years ago

Well, happens to me, in a smaller scale... My girlfriends always had ideas of getting married, but since i was 15 i decided that i would not get married, i would have a couple but not a spouse...
I told her that neither religion nor the state/government should get in the way of love, she is catholic so she kinda gets sad :( ... so yeah... maybe he is an atheist, anarchists anti-religion guy like me? xD

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lewlew80

13 years ago

Marriage is great but pressure is not

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  Yeah pressure will just push him away I gave up a while ago trying to discuss it with him. Now it's friends and family that are onto him after hearing we have reached 8 years.
  
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DwayneHicks

13 years ago

I wish I was as smart as him...

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Risen_beauty

13 years ago

*will ruin

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korn3654

13 years ago

Why marry you when he's hitten it for free.

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- princess_louise
  
  13 years ago
  
  You think I should start charging him?
  
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  - wistfulmaiden
    
    9 years ago
    
    I don't know about where you live but here in the US being legally married does have some benefits (medical, tax etc). Also if you have children they will be legitimate not little bastards! Seriously though, if its important to you he should consider it at least.
    Why does he feel this way? Some guesses are he fears commitment, he thinks it will somehow ruin your fun relationship, or maybe he is just cheap and doesn't want to buy a ring and go through a wedding.
    You should insist on talking about the issue and if he says marriage can ruin the relationship, bring up the fact that his stubbornness can also ruin the relationship.
    
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal that my boyfriend of 8 years doesn't want to get engaged?