Is it normal that my boyfriend decided to lie about this...?

40% Normal
6 Comments

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years, but last year we broke up for two months and he had a friends with benefits relationship with this girl, when we got back together they stopped talking because he knew that i didn't like that, a few weeks ago he went to a party with his friends and his best friend told me that she was there, i asked my boyfriend if they talked and he told me that they have not spoken in months, but two days i borrowed his phone and i saw a recent conversation with her, i didn't read it but it upset me that he lied about not speaking to her in months, i confronted him about it and he told me that he was only talking to her to get his ring back since he had left it at her house when they were "together", he thinks that not telling me about it doesn't count as lying because he was only talking to her for that but i do because i asked him about her and he answered me with a lie, i don't know what to do because i don't want to break up with him but this is not the first time that something like this happens, one of my friends told me that i am being a dramatic, but this girl has always been a touchy subject for me because she is the only other girl my boyfriend has cared for and they were good friends before he and i got together,i am also worried because now i am finding hard to trust him since we've been fighting a lot for a while now and he had promised to be better and i am pretty sure that lying to me isn't "better", is it normal that my boyfriend decided to lie to me about it? should i let it pass?

Voting Results
40% Normal
Based on 53 votes (21 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • dexy77
    11 years ago

    you should sit him down and tell him that you want to have a mature and honest conversation. be clear and upfront and say that you are NOT MAD and that you do trust him, but that it hurt you a little bit that he lied. that he didn't trust you not to freak out just because he talked to her. then see what he says. if he is honest about it, then you should take it on the chin and accept the fact that he might talk to his ex or run into her every once and a while. if you trust him and believe that he is devoted to you, then this other girl should not be a threat to you. do not let your jealousy destroy your relationship. don't be possessive because it drives a wedge between you. fight your tendency to do that.

    i'm not sure what sort of other things have happened - but if you can get him to be honest with you about these things, then you have a relationship with staying power. don't approach the conversation like an interrogation - it's a dialogue. you just want to say that you're hurt he hasn't been honest and give him a chance to do so.

    IF HE ISN'T and you are sure that he is hiding things from you, then you have a serious problem. you should reconsider where this relationship is going and how much more time and emotional effort you're willing to invest in someone who is going to lie to you and keep you in a state of emotional limbo.

    good luck!

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  • Crazyperson2
    9 years ago

    let it pass if you really love him. don't risk losing him.

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  • Flatulophiliac
    10 years ago

    Sometimes in our minds (whether its how you meant the question or not) we answer as though you meant TALKING to her as in are ya'll together or FWB not just talk to her for something harmless or pointless as getting a ring back also you really shouldn't have snooped he was nice enough to let you use his phone & you snooped then assumed don't know ANY guys that like that kind of behavior I fucking hate it & if I give a reason for some1 to snoop then its my fault but just snooping cause your X did something fuck that I'm not him & you have no reason to suspect anything of me nor any reason to snoop

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  • Sensate
    11 years ago

    ughhh. Ofcourse he lied, with good reason because you would be overly upset about the truth aswell. Which puts him in an impossible situation.

    This is something both guys and girls do by the way. You're being the kind of partner who cant handle it that he might have other people who he cares about, even though he is faithfull to you (not that I can prove this or anything). But it is completely possible to have important relationships with people outside of your sexual, romantic and faithfull relationship.

    The problem is that you forbid him to have contact with her, and you don't have the right. Not if their sexual relationship only happened when you two weren't together.

    I see so many people around me sabotage their own relationships because of this petty jealousy. The only effect it has is that you push him further away from you and towards the other girl.

    I had a past relationship in which the girl still had a lot of contact with her ex, they were still very good friends. She had been together with this guy for 3 years and had known him for 8 years or more...that was more than a third of her life! How could I then forbid her to see this guy?
    Did it raise trust issues? Yes. But she was smart enough to realise this and comfort me about it in any way she could.
    If I was to forbid her from seeing him I would probably have been dumped because there would be no trust in our relationship and I haven't got the right.

    And that is what I would do aswell. I also have a friend with benefits. I never crossed any line with her when I was in a relationship, but she was there for me when I had it bad, and any future girlfriend doesnt have the right to break that bond

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    • ari13
      11 years ago

      i didn't forbid him of talking to her, she was just saying a lot of nasty things about me without even knowing me and he didn't like it. I never told him "don't talk to her or we're over.." or anything like that, she also asked him if they could get back to what they had knowing that we were back together and she herself having a new boyfriend

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      • Sensate
        11 years ago

        That's good. You should include that in your post. If she talks bad about you this girl probably feels alot more for him than just friends with benefits. You also don't include why you broke up in the first place. But making someone promise to be better just rings some alarm bells for me. Maybe he did things to warant such a thing.

        All things considered I think it's only normal you want some kind of real solution for this situation. Trust issues can ruin a relationship.

        I would however take a guess that in his mind, he would think you would be pissed or disaprove if he just told you he spoke to her, or hung out with her. Which still puts him in a situation where he would easily choose a white lie (white at least in his mind) over a simple truth.
        I guess all i'm trying to say is that not all lies are made with bad intent. So don't automaticly connect a lie with being unfaithful.

        Also I don't know you or your boyfriend so I won't defend either of you. I have met alot of assholes in my life, both men and women. But I also realise that it is very hard to judge someones real intention and personality. Even if you think you know them very well.
        Its up to you to decide if he's worth it, or an asshole. But you'll feel better if you can come to that decision looking at both sides of the coin. Because emotions can be very blinding

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