Is it normal that im not sure if i hate my bf or love him?
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years on and off I'm 20 and he's 23 .when we were first together I cheated on him and broke his heart he said he forgave me but a year later he decided that he didn't love me at all blocked all my calls and moved then for some reason I couldn't let go 2 months later we were seeing eachother and he told me everything he said earlier was a mistake and he loved me . Just to make sure everything was going to be honest this time I told him I slept with someone else while we weren't together and he was really jealous,and held it over my head and said he couldn't while we had been broken up cause he felt guilty . Soo we dated a whole year more and then he went on a trip and when he got back didn't call I showed up to see what was going on and he dumped me at his front door and said he didn't love / want me / wasn't attracted anymore and broke my heart for the second the time . It's very hard for me trust people and when we got back together the second time he promised that it would never go down like that again but it was worse . I did not sleep with anyone for 5 months and was super depressed I cried everyday could not sleep till 3 am sometimes even later then would wake up at 6 I don't think I ever been so upset I tried desperately to love on but couldn't .I was salibat the whole time except for him once and I later found out he had been sleeping with someone else and was dating her the whole time !!!! Probably slept with her on the trip he dumped me after!!! Well holidays rolled around and of course we got back together and he quit talking to that girl. It's now been 5 months we've been together , he really can be a great guy and very sweet and tries to make me happy but I have dreams often of him doing the same thing to me a third time and wake up with a sour taste in my mouth and a lot of resentment which leaves me wondering do I Love him at all ... Then he will just do something sweet and my whole world feels Lit up and I feel happy . The truth is though I'm ashamed of being with him cause seriously I was so depressed and he was very mean and made me feel disgusting and worthless I have never felt this way before I have only had 1 other serious relationship and it went down just the opposite of how this one is but I dunno sometimes honestly I don't WTF I'm doing with him do love him or sceretly hate him ......