Is it normal that i wish i could've killed myself before i was born?

54% Normal
15 Comments

When I was four years old, doctors discovered a 10cm wide brain tumor in my head. I was a bright little toddler. Already knew how to read and write. I communicated well with adults. Was a touch ahead of the learning curve right before I started school.

The tumor was surgically removed, and most people deemed it was the best decision. A few years later I developed severe epilepsy, some problems relating to my peers, and some minor learning disabilities.

The thing is, I am not visibly disabled, nor so mentally disabled that I don't fully understand my disability. I know every little detail about it -- well as much as I would dare to learn. It traumatizes me to see other young adults who have had brain tumors, because most of them don't know they had brain cancer. Or their disabilities are of a physical nature (paralyzed, tremors, etc) and they aren't going through the same kind of mental process I am.

People don't trust me to take care of myself. I'm under constant watch by family, friends, and coworkers. I finished high school but I hate myself for never having finished college (the learning problems were just too big).

I am not a eugenicist, but I keep telling myself that I would abort a baby if I knew it was going to be born under the category "special needs" or even have the slightest chance of a learning disability (why make my child suffer the same fate as me?). If I could go back in time to the year I was born, I would do everything in my power to convince my mother to have the fetus that became me aborted. Is this normal for someone like me?

Voting Results
54% Normal
Based on 41 votes (22 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • gummy_jr
    10 years ago

    *hug* :'(

    Everybody needs a gummy bear hug once in a while. Please don't bite me though...

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    • notthecenteroftheuniverse
      10 years ago

      I'd gladly take a hug. *hugs back* :) - And I don't bite ;) -

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  • TheMightyOz
    10 years ago

    Sounds like you have special insight into how to make life better for other brain cancer survivors.

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    • notthecenteroftheuniverse
      10 years ago

      Maybe one day. But I know I have so much growing up to do before I can give someone else tips on how to make their life better.

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    I have a good friend with Retinitis pigmentosa and from an early age he knew he would be completely blind at 30. He had a ball living his life with his sight, never worrying about the inevitable. The last thing he did, as his sight was failing, was a transcontinental bike ride. Even today, completely blind, he enjoys his life to the fullest.
    Another has Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease. He has had great difficulty walking and holding everyday things like a fork or tooth brush that require special attachments, since he was born. He became a house painter professionally and an artist (painting) for pleasure and also has had a great life.
    Time to accept who you are and get on with your life, or not, but feeling sorry for yourself is not very productive.

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  • (s)aint
    10 years ago

    No one can see my ADHD on me either, people usually dismiss me as lazy/ unfocused or tell me to shape up and just do it.

    There's people out there with far worse issues than you so you should really try and turn your life around and make the best out of it.

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  • Faceless
    10 years ago

    No cause the futures not yours to see. Life is about overcoming and not about how mush praises cake and ice cream you get.

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    • (s)aint
      10 years ago

      This, is going on my Facebook. Some of the best shit I have ever read.

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  • Jayy
    10 years ago

    I understand what you're saying, but please just be grateful that you're still alive and you'll be blessed.

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    • Jayy
      10 years ago

      What? Why would any motherfucker thumb that shit down. Get the fuck over yourselfs, man shit.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    You sound depressed. I do understand how hard it is to live with an invisible disability though. I didn't have a brain tumor but I do have neurological problems. At the same time I do feel I have much to offer the world, even if the world doesn't seem to appericate it. I think everybody does but most don't realize it.
    While I am disabled in certain things, I also have some gifts as well. Everyone has a gift even if they don't know.
    It can be extremely discouraging to have an invisible disability. I seem normal for the most part, but have difficulty doing very simple things, for example holding a cup without spilling, or understanding simple instructions. People think I'm lazy because of it.
    I cannot let these issues ruin my life no matter how much trouble they cause me. In the end I think the things I have dealt with have made me a stronger person. There are so many people who have it way worse than me and I hope I can help them too, because I do understand how hard life can be for some people, and how depressing it is to work so hard for things that some people get by doing nothing and putting no effort into life, yet they have everything. I know people who are very successful too and claim that nothing is hard. It is almost insulting to hear that from people.

    I do not believe in eugenics. Life may be hard for certain people, but that doesn't mean they have nothing to offer. Many people with disabilities have done great things. I hope you can find meaning for yourself. Nobody can do it for you but you can think about what you have to offer. Life's purpose is whatever you make it to be. Personally my goal is to change the world as much as I can while I am here, not only to be remembered but because I think everyone should try to make their world a better place so that no one has to suffer, even though that may not be fully possible.

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    • notthecenteroftheuniverse
      10 years ago

      Neurological disorders don't run in my family (the tumor came out of nowhere; nobody could explain it), but anxiety and depression does run in my family. My mother has it and my paternal grandmother has it. And I see a therapist. I'm responsible enough to know that I need that. :)

      And I said that I don't believe in eugenics. I don't believe in making perfect babies who will become the next groundbreaking scientists forty years later or the next world leaders. Nor do I believe in aborting a fetus because it is male or female. I do, however, find it difficult living life with a disability and I know that individuals with disabilities are an economical burden on society (just the plain truth).

      - This isn't to say that disabled individuals who live in this world today should be discriminated upon. It isn't to say that they don't have a lot to give too. This is just to say that it would be easier if these problems could be detected before a fetus was developed and born, and it would be a rational decision to not give them life so they won't have to suffer and so that people around them do not have to suffer any problems. However, if a mother and a father carrying a high risk baby believe they can take on the challenges of a child with special needs, that is a personal choice of their own. I don't think I can -

      My personal story is one of those. Nobody can detect a brain tumor in a developing fetus as of yet, but I know I've caused my mother and father and brother a great deal of pain with all of my problems, physical and psychological alike (my mother keeps mumbling to herself that she should never have gotten married). My insurance pays a huge amount of money compared to my co-pay. No need to complain about this now, because I am already living a quite fulfilling life - job, high school diploma, etc. But I couldn't help but run across the thought that things would be easier for my family and for the society I live in if I wasn't born.

      Today I live by a thin thread with my invisible disability. I wish I had more people who could stand by my side and convince me to believe that all the effort I put into fighting against my disability is worth it. I have some gifts but I constantly live under the cursed belief that I could've been smarter, faster, or better if I never had a brain tumor.

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      • [Old Memory]
        10 years ago

        There's no reason to feel bad about it.
        I cost lots of insurance too. The state insurance companies pay almost $2000 a month to keep me medicated.
        Medicine shouldn't cost so much anyways, and when you think about all the stuff the government wastes money on, medicating people on disability isn't so bad, because it helps them contribute to society.
        I'm sure I do my share to the community because I try to make people happy and even though I do not live the way most people do, I contribute in different ways.
        I got my high school diploma, but I got it when I was 22 and it's been useless so far. I'm a music producer and event dj but it makes me hardly any money. I'm lucky if I get a gig once every few months.
        Don't listen to people who say you are burdening them. If they say things like that you shouldn't care because it is selfish for them to bring you down.

        Anyone has the possibility of having a disabled child, eugenics or not, and if they cannot handle it, they shouldn't have kids in the first place. Life is all about suprises and you don't always get to choose what happens.

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        • notthecenteroftheuniverse
          10 years ago

          You're absolutely right. The government does waste a ton of our money.
          And in the words of a couple of Australians I met, "Yeah, the American healthcare and higher education system is fucked"
          Money should be spent on helping people get healthy and stay healthy.

          Compared to the defense budget, the tens of thousands in medical bills my insurance has had to pay is like a grain of sand on a beach.

          This definitely made me feel better. Thank you.

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  • JohnTrollinski
    10 years ago

    Not even gonna read this and I can tell you're a fucking idiot

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