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I really really want to die but I know how sad it'll make my parents and friends and I don't want anyone to blame themselves or be affected by it. I just want to stop existing I guess.
I'm actually in one of my blue moods right now, and the thought of ceasing to exist is somewhat appealing to me at the moment. However, I do know that it's not good or normal to be suicidal. I've had a deal with depression, anxiety and intermittent suicidal feelings since I was a teenager. However, I haven't had an attempt since November of 2006. I gotta be honest, and tell you that I have lost touch with all my friends, and I'm ashamed of what a failure I have become in this life. I also have literally never thought about how my death would affect my family, I know a lot of people would think that is shitty, but I don't care, because my family of origin is rather dysfunctional, and I find it hard to worry about the feelings of people who have helped to mold me into what I am. The God's honest truth is that the thing that keeps me alive the most is my Siamese cat!
Okay, enough about me, and my personal bullshit. This isn't about me, I guess I was just trying to relate. However, my comments become rather self-indulgent when I am feeling bad like I am right now, sugar.
I don't know what your particular situation is. I do think you need to be completely honest and upfront with your folks if you can. I hope you don't mind if I assume that you are quite young, so if you can't talk to your folks find a teacher, coach, school counselor, clergy member or other trusted adult in whom you can confide that you trust, and tell them what you are going through. You NEED to get help ASAP!
My own parents, especially my mother, were very much in denial with regard to my mental health, and emotional suffering which is yet another reason why I have never worried about how my death would affect them, especially my mother. You ain't got to live in Africa to know that river in Egypt runs deep!
When I went away to college I finally started seeking out help on my own, and although it wasn't easy it was the best I could do. In addition to getting counseling and some medication as I got older I found a couple of Twelve Step programs that helped me a lot, CODA and ACOA. I will leave links for these programs.
Please don't give up on yourself! You are worth saving, and you deserve to have a good place on this Earth!
http://coda.org/
https://adultchildren.org/
Normal for me.
I have passive suicide.
Wanna kill myself but it takes a lot of mental energy to hype myself up for it, and I don't want to hurt the few people I care about.
But if I fall asleep and don't wake up, I wouldn't mind.
(Of course you wouldn't mind, you'd be dead. - Yeah, yeah, I know, stfu, smartass.)