Is it normal that i want to date my depressed friend

87% Normal
15 Comments

Ok, so I've known this great guy for about three months. We casually dated for a couple of weeks till he told me suffers from clinical depression and takes meds for it.

He was in a good fase when I met him, but lately he has more bad days than good days. On a good day, he wants to see me and we have a great time, but when he has a bad day he just wants to isolate himself. He doesn't go out, ignores his friends. Sometimes he also ignores my calls and doesn't want to see me for a couple of days. He tells me he doesn't have any expectations anymore, is glad his dad is already gone so he doesn't have to see what a failure he is.
I feel frustrated, because this is a young, well liked guy, with a great job (he's a well known, well paid radio dj where I live) so I dont understand how he can see himself this way. I know it's just how his brain is wired, but still it's hard to understand because I've never been depressed for a long time. I listen to him, urge him to talk to professionals, go out with his friends but it only sometimes makes him feel better.
In the end, nothing is really changing. I feel frustrated because I really want this to be a serious relationship, because Ive never been this much in love. Is it normal that I still want to date him? Or is it selfish to even think about a serious relationship when he is struggling with his mental illness?

Voting Results
87% Normal
Based on 46 votes (40 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • NoraBaker
    12 years ago

    As to pursuing a serious relationship with this young man, I'd just make sure he's on the same page, that he also wants one. Otherwise it's just you carrying it alone. You are complaining about being frustrated that things are not changing, but that's because you want things to change while he's the one who has to decide to change them, not you. ;)

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  • NoraBaker
    12 years ago

    What? English is your first language and hers is better than yours...

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  • RinTin
    12 years ago

    I was actually thinking it would be "selfish" not to think of a serious relationship when he's struggling. It's a lifelong battle for a lot of people. It would help him knowing you're there to support him. If he stops trying completely (months,years) I can see why you would want to call it quits though. I'm confused as to if you're still seeing him or not.

    I think if you want this to work out, talk to him about it so you can better understand what he's going through and so that you know it's not you but his depression. Maybe read up on clinical depression if you haven't.

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    • NeuroNeptunian
      12 years ago

      I agree with you there, but if the guy's depression never improves and he's never willing to do anything about it for himself, then she might end up becoming emotionally drained herself. It's happened to me a good number of times.

      Extend your hand to help him back up, if he pulls and stands back up, great! But if he just grabs your hand and pulls you down with him, leave.

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  • ArthurS.fan
    12 years ago

    It is normal because it means you actually like him and you can help him if you date him for example you can go to his house without calling but make sure he has a good day so he'll love you back and he'll stop ignoring you.

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  • shuggy-chan
    12 years ago

    "phase" not fase

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      12 years ago

      Im dutch and english is my third language, so yeah..

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      • shuggy-chan
        12 years ago

        thats oky, im horrible at other languages myself, the only dutch i know are insults lol

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      • PumpkinKate
        12 years ago

        Ha! So... grachtegordelgorgelaar

        does this ACTUALLY mean "men who make gargle noises at canals" ???

        Also it's a ton of fun to say xD

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          12 years ago

          Lol yeah thats what it means :) Try say: 'gorgelendegelegenheidsgoochelaar', it means magician who performs at events and makes gargle noises! :)
          ( The ch is also spoken as a g ;) )

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          • PumpkinKate
            12 years ago

            Hehe! I turn my favorite Dutch number this year:

            28

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    • shuggy-chan
      12 years ago

      And i can relate with this story on both side. cause i can fall on either side of this story. #1 your normal for liking him. and #2 depression is a hard thing to shake after it sinks in its claws, but it not impossible.

      personally most of my depression is just "my head up my assness" but his may be more legit, but it still need him to just to try to shape the fuck up. You can go hurting the people that care for you too often, but again,im being more then a little hypocritical here

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  • patd004
    12 years ago

    I do feel for you, and yes, it is normal to think about these kind of things. But "normal" and "right" don't always go hand in hand. I think that you should consider putting your relationship on hold until he can start to manage his depression, let your priority be his well-being.:)

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  • lufa
    12 years ago

    he'll make you depressed too, be his friend but don't date him, until he is well.

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  • Charmo
    12 years ago

    It sounds like he really is trying to be a good boyfriend in spite of his illness. As somebody who has suffered from depression in the past, trust me when I say it really is that difficult. It's not as easy as just telling him to "cheer up", it's a little more complicated when someone is depressed. And I was a pretty well off person in the past, and you're right, that has no effect on whether a person can be depressed or not, it depends on what's going on in their head.

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