Is it normal that i want to be the joker?
This all started a few weeks ago, something just snapped. I have been battling with depression for a little over a year and at first thats what i thought it was, just a rough few weeks but i've begun to get urges to kill people, not family or friends just randoms. I feel no pain emotionally anymore and i started to cut my knuckles open because well i find it exciting. I love the thought of people being scared of me. in a nut shell i want to become the joker. no remorse, no fear, no pain. my mother was in a very abusive realationship and ive always blamed myself for not protecting her so when i was 10-11 i looked her straight in the eyes and said "im going to kill him tonight" then i just walked off, i was 100% serious about it however she kicked him out that day and that was that. so i dont know if any of that had anything to do with the way im feeling just now. there is just something that i find appealing in being called crazy or a psychopath. there is two 3 sides to me, 1st is the normal me when im nice and i dont have these thoughts, 2nd is when i crave to be as psychotic and feared as the joker and i want to kill people and the 3rd is the side of me that wants to be a royal marine who wants to help people and serve my country. these urges arent normal are they? so to break everything down, i want to become the joker and kill people and be feared for it. i just want people to be scared.