Is it normal that i want no one to know about my mental illness?

78% Normal
11 Comments

When I was 15, I was going through severe depression. When I was at my lowest, I started having hallucinations. I was also always quite paranoid, so none of that mixed quite well.

I had (and still have) some weird episodes that were really intense... it is quite hard to explain, because I feel like something is going to kill me and I have panic attacks. I start hyperventilating and having random spasms. I know that nothing bad will happen me, but on those moments, I just can't avoid having these panic attacks. Luckily, no one ever notices that I am having one... I am somewhat good at hiding it and people think I always do weird things anyway.

I tried to speak about it with a few close people, but I was from a rural enviroment, so no one really understood quite well what I was trying to explain. After a year, I stopped having these "episodes" periodically, but I still sometimes get them in rare ocassions... mostly when I feel really depressed.

I am pretty sure I have schizophrenia. I was never diagnosed with it, in fact, I have never had professional help. However, I used to talk to a professor of mine a lot, he is a psychiatrist. I always talked to him about my issues, saying that it was another friend's problems... and he told me that it was probably "schizoaffective disorder".

I am 24 now and I feel like I have this "controlled", mostly because I know how to handle depression better. As years pass by it fades away more and more. However, I am really afraid that it will return with full strenght again... I know I should probably have therapy the right way, but I don't really have any money... however, the main issue is that I also don't want anyone to know I am schizoprenic. A lot of people depend on me and I really want to be sucessful in life... but I feel like I won't be able to fulfill those expectations if anyone knew about it...

I know schizophrenia has no cure, but as my case is not that serious, I feel like maybe I can handle it without help. So, I don't know... is it normal?

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78% Normal
Based on 65 votes (51 yes)
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Comments ( 11 )
  • ProseAthlete
    10 years ago

    Please, please, please don't accept a random diagnosis from a professor who didn't even see you in a clinical context. You may not have a mental illness at all; if you do, it might be something very different from the "schizoaffective disorder" your professor discussed with you. He would undoubtedly be horrified at labeling you inadvertently and would tell you to see a therapist for a more accurate diagnosis.

    Your professor couldn't diagnose you and I sure wouldn't try to do it based on one short post, but honestly, what you describe sounds a lot more like an anxiety or panic disorder than something on the schizophrenia spectrum, at least at this point. No wonder you're frightened that the depression, paranoia and other issues from your youth will come back -- but the fright you describe sounds much more like a panic attack, not a hallucinatory event or a separation from reality.

    I know about panic attacks because I've had them in some form or another since I was 18 or so. They suck, they really do, but they are not your destiny. They respond well to a lot of techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy to medications (I went the CBT route and take no meds).

    One of my cousins has schizophrenia. He could never begin to express himself as coherently as you have. I realize that it's a spectrum and that each person is different, but you really don't present yourself as someone who has that particular struggle to face. A more accurate diagnosis can change your life; I hope you get one.

    Good luck, and you should feel very proud of what you've already been able to overcome.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I certainly know that accepting something someone said outside clinical context is completely reckless. But the point was that I am really scared of attending a psychiatrist. This is something very intimate and I really don't want anyone to know about it. I don't want this to be registered in my medical history. I don't know if it will be schizophrenia or not... but I am sure it will me something relatively serious... something that will close many doors to me.

      About the panic attacks... they occur mostly when I have the hallucinations... I see and hear things that aren't there... My memories from when I was 15-16 in particular are very confusing, because there were moments I am not really sure were real or not. Also, even today, if I consume any kind of drug (alcohol, marihuana, etc) I usually trigger these hallucinations quite quickly... and that's why I don't drink or consume anything most of the time.

      And well, thanks for complimenting my eloquence (English isn't my first language). When I was depressed I had insomnia... and well... I guess an advantage was that I got to read a lot whenever I couldn't sleep... which was most days... It is funny... I am kind of happy that I got to read so much, haha.

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      • ProseAthlete
        10 years ago

        I can definitely understand not wanting others to know about it. If the inside of your head isn't private space, what is? Therapists, though, are sometimes easier to talk to than anyone else precisely because you only see them in a professional context. They will not disclose anything about you to anyone; patient/doctor confidentiality is a very real thing.

        Your medical history is private, so those doors would stay open. Employers don't get to check your medical history. Even if they did, they'd probably be amazed at how many people have a history of mental illness or emotional disorders. Not saying you absolutely *need* to go because you certainly seem to have your life on the right track already, but it could really ease your concerns about not being able to achieve goals because of whatever's going on.

        I don't drink or smoke anything for the same reason; it often brings on panic attacks. While I don't typically see or hear anything, that sense of impending doom and dissociation you described sure sounds familiar to me. On the bright side, that makes going out on the town very cheap for us, doesn't it? :)

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Hahaha... my friends think I am weird because I dont drink... so naive...
          And well, it is true, I get to save a lot of money too :)

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  • soul-man
    10 years ago

    I've been to the psych ward, it was a very positive experience overall. Embrace the crazy!

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    FUCK SANITY, I'm nuts too and I love it. Whenever I go to bed at night, I sometimes will hear voices and I used to think aliens would take me out of my bed and experiment on me. I used to be depressed and stuff too but I Kind of got over that. Sometimes, I go through periods where I feel all sped up and hardly need to sleep and then other times I feel low and sleepy. However, this is just my natural self and I have no desire to change it with any sort of legal drugs. Don't get diagnosed, its just a way for the system to suppress your natural born genius. To be honest, I think that at least 80% of the population is nuts but most will hide it successfully as you seem to have done relatively well

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  • Iamagirl
    10 years ago

    I don't have really hallucinations but I have panic attacks and I hyperventilate. In fact, my min had to bring me paper bags when I had my "episodes". Although, I'm diagnosed with selective mutism and Global Hystericius ( i still don't know how it is spelled sorry), I always feel like there is something more. I think that I also have ADHD, am bipolar, and may possibly have Tourette's because I always blink randomly like 5 x the normal speed because I feel like I need to but I don't really pay attention to it. Also I have OCD. My friends don't understand my OCD and yell at me for doing strange things that I "have to do". ANYWAY, told you I have ADHD. You can always print your writing out and show them that. It is easier than trying to talk about it, believe me. I hope that your difficulties fade away for good.

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  • hairyfairy
    10 years ago

    It`s understandable to keep quiet about mentall health problems, because there is so much prejudice about all kinds of mental health issues.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    People knowing about your mental illness can be embarrassing. Normal.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    You shouldnt worry about your medical records being released to anyone without your permission unless you get in legal trouble, then the authorities could access them.
    However unless you want meds to control your symptoms or need a diagnosis going to a shrink or counciller is practally pointless.

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  • handsignals
    10 years ago

    People will allways discriminate against people with a mental illness so you have to hide it, I tried being honest with people about and got treated like an asshole.

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