Is it normal that i turned out like this?

40% Normal
5 Comments

I always have people saying I need to do something with how I think or behave. They get mad when I don't change though, yet they still try over and over. Its really wont matter how much they try though, I have all ready tried to change. I have been in 4 mental hospital, one for 5 months. Some of the things I been in the mental hospital for are cutting, wrong sexual behavior, suicidal behavior, homicidal behavior, mistreating of animals, stealing and other stuff. I use to not be like this, I was a good person. I use to want to help everyone and make there day better. Crap happens though, I started feeling very sad every day. My oldest brother sexual abused me for 3 years, and I told my family about it at some point but they did not believe me. It's not surprising though, because my family has been very emotional abusive to me my hole life. I was so young when it happened, from 7-10 I was abused sexually. People that I cared most about started treating me like I had a deadly infection. They all left me, even my family started turning on me. I found myself cutting my arms everyday. I cried every night, until I couldn't anymore. I felt lost, hopeless, depressed, angry. My anger started turning into homicidal thoughts, I found myself wanting to harm people, even kill them at times. I cant even feel anymore, I am almost completely empty. Society is the real thing that turned me this way. I hate being this way, but I am so far into my mind, that I cant find my way out. Call me what you want I don't care anymore, call me crazy, call me a freak, heck call me a monster. Really all I need is someone to care again. Help is not a idea anymore. I am turning towards death grip, hoping he will take my heart and put me away for good. Why did it have to come to this? To all the people I have hurt, I AM SORRY....

Voting Results
40% Normal
Based on 20 votes (8 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • RoseIsabella
    7 years ago

    I think as a whole that none of this is normal, however I also believe your reaction to the massive life traumas you've survived is quite normal. How can someone survive the type of abuse and trauma that you have and turn out as a normal, average run of the mill person? I think you're being rather hard on yourself though. The prisons and graveyards are full of people who have had similar life experiences. You are in a sense a miracle in not you are still alive and haven't been incarcerated.

    I certainly hope that you are no long abusing and will never again abuse animals. I am an avid animal lover and believe me animals are some of the biggest blessings on the whole planet, especially companion animals.

    I don't think it's that unusual that you have been hospitalized as many times as you have. I guess I'm wondering what your diagnosis is. I imagine you are most likely suffering from PTSD and Borderline Personal disorder in my completely non professional opinion. I certainly that you've been able to distance yourself from your family of origin so that you can work on your continued recovery, because I do think that you can get better.

    I think you ought to look into the twelve step program known as Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.
    http://www.adultchildren.org/

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  • Ellenna
    7 years ago

    I'm sorry you've had such a hard time in life: if you haven't had expert counselling for the sexual abuse I suggest you do so ASAP - the longer you don't deal with your feelings about that, the harder it's going to be in the long run.

    I'm especially sorry your family didn't support you, but unfortunately that's often the case: there are lots of others who've been in the same situation and experienced counsellors will be familiar with the repurcussions of that betrayal on top of the betrayal of sexual abuse.

    I wish you well.

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  • mysistersshadow
    7 years ago

    No one can make you feel any way that you don't let them. Your decisions are yours alone own them don't blame othet ppl.

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    • Ellenna
      7 years ago

      You really think a child has a choice about how to feel when sexually abused? You are very ignorant and totally lacking in empathy

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      • mysistersshadow
        7 years ago

        Perhaps. The thing is as a adult you can realize that what happened is not your fault and therefore theres nothing to feel bad about. Yea sexual abuse is a tragity but the person that should feel bad is the perpetrator not the victim. As a adult you can choose to wallow in self pity or get on with making your life what you want it to be. If that makes me a bad person then I guess I'm a bad person. But oh... I'm ok with you feeling that way becos you can't make me feel any way that I don't let you. I think ppl spend way to much time worrying what other think. I don't waste my time with that.

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