Is it normal that i try to find ways to fill in my father's role?

As someone whose father was absent their whole childhood, I have some understanding of where you're coming from. It's not easy and when you see your friends with both their parents around, it can make you feel like an outcast. Your situation is a little different from mine, as yours was there and then left. It really is a good thing that you recognise what is happening here. You know what your behaviour means - that's so positive. Many people look for justification, validation, love etc. in unhealthy ways and don't even realise what they're doing. With this knowledge of your own behaviour, you're in control and hopefully won't end up in an unhealthy situation (e.g. in a relationship just because it's filling that emptiness). You are aware. Please don't end your life, this one precious life you have. It's yours. And I guess in a way that means it's yours to throw away!? But think about what you would miss out on. You sound switched on and like I said, aware. Use this awareness and make a great life for yourself. If you end your life that really is it :( And you'd be breaking people's hearts too. I know what it's like to feel like there's a gaping space in your life where your dad should be, trust me. Please look after yourself and trust that you can live a positive and healthy life despite the heartbreak you've had to go through. And trust that you can heal and move on.

It's not wrong, it seems pretty normal to me. I don't know how I can help you otherwise, I'm a guy, but I definitely think it's normal.

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