Is it normal that i thought of the future?
Alright so this happened two years ago and I'm just thinking/over-analysing it now because my brain just reminded me and I suffer from OCD so when there's a bad thought I'm consumed by it...
Anyway, two years ago I was working at a dairy bar as an assistant manager (I did a terrible job). All of my coworkers were females between the ages of 14 and 15. I tried to be friendly with them as well as manage them but I soon found out teen girls are a pain in the ass. I wasn't creepy toward any of them or anything.
Then one day this new girl came who was about 14 years old. Her and I immediately became "work buddies" you know, not friends outside of work but just friendly in work. So anyway, she had a nice personality and was fun to work with and that's where it stopped obviously. Anyway, one day she quit and it sucked because then it was just me and the other jerks.
So anyway she came to the window one day to order ice cream. I said "It sucks that you left. Working here is truly crappy now." (I'm paraphrasing of course). Then I said something I really shouldn't have: "Do you have Facebook by any chance?" She politely ignored the comment and talked about something else then said "bye." and I felt like a total creep. I thought 'Jesus, why the fuck did I ask for her facebook? That's so inappropriate!' and the thing is, I know exactly what was going through my head when I asked (I had a girlfriend at the time this happened and things weren't going great): 'She has a nice personality and we get along well. If I don't lose touch and when she gets older, maybe something could happen.'
What the fuck was I thinking!? This makes me disgusted with myself. How could I be so creepy?
I mean, no... I wasn't sexually attracted to the girl I just really liked her personality. I was thinking of the future but still it was TOO CREEPY.
Again, my OCD makes me obsess about everything and in particular, bad thoughts. If you're normal you might see a young girl and say "She's a beautiful child." like a painting you know? Nothing sexual. Like a sunset or something. I say the same thing and mean it in the same way (like a sunset or something) except immediately after I say it my brain says "You said that kid was pretty? Are you a pedophile!? You creep. Now everybody thinks you're a creep. You're sexually attracted to a kid!? (of course I'm not but this is what OCD does to me)" and so my brain focuses on these thoughts and freaks me the fuck out.
I'm not a pedophile. I'd never do anything like that. I can only describe it like this:
Inside my brain, there's me (all the good and stuff) and then there's this demon called OCD that tries to tell me any tiny bad thought is who I really am.
When I was young (a kid) I had OCD about war. I used to think about wars and death and killing and I'd cry myself to sleep (this was on rare occasions). As I progressed into my teens the OCD changed to being gay (I'm straight). I used to say in my head 'You noticed that guy? Are you gay? You're gay! You're gay! Right? Are you?' and this would repeat every other day. When I reached 20 it seemed like it was going away but then it turned into the foulest of OCD's... POCD. Pedophile OCD.
So what does POCD mean? It means your mind obsesses about thoughts of you being a pedophile even though you have no attraction towards children and would never do anything to them. People with POCD are very fucked up because they're not pedophiles and will never be pedophiles (they never harm children and have no desire to). Basically it's like wanting to live a normal life and never doing any wrong but there's some creep following you around whispering "You're a pedophile" in your ear whenever you see a kid even though no feelings accompany that.
Essentially OCD makes me crazy. Don't say "well then, go to a psychologist!" because it does nothing. There is no cure for OCD unfortunately.
The funny thing is that some days (when I don't see a kid) my brain will go OCD about something random. Like I might see an old piece of paper or something in my room and suddenly I HAVE to organize all of the files of paper in my room. I'm not thinking those gross obsessive thoughts then, but I am 100% focused on organizing the paper.
I guess what I'm asking is well... I don't even know. I really just wanted to rant about this. I feel better now... For now my OCD has subsided. I guess I just have to wear myself out by typing long things like this.