Is it normal that i really don't want to be white?
Here's the situation. I'm a girl. My mother is Japanese, and my father is a European mix (Polish/Russian). My last name is Cohen, which is a classically Jewish name. Had I taken my mother's maiden name, I would be a Watanabe.
When I was younger, I identified as being Japanese, because I grew up speaking the language (as well as a mix of Korean). As I got older, and started consistently speaking English, I didn't really identify as anything. When I was ten or eleven, I wished my mother was white, since I wanted blonde hair and blue eyes (as so many girls do).
But as I moved on to the seventh grade, I started to want to be more Japanese. Back in the seventies, as we learned that year, biracial children were seen as flawed whites. But now, in present day, I feel more like a flawed Asian. I feel like being part Caucasian is more like a lack of culture than anything these days. I realize now that I can't speak Japanese anymore, or Korean, or even Hebrew.
Sometimes I think the issue is pride. I look at the horrible people in history (whites) who discriminated, and killed and all that nasty stuff. And I think, "I'm like these people."
Then I remember that I'm just as much Asian as I am white. But since white is "diluting" the way I used to think of myself, I am white. People don't judge people by their race. They judge by what APPEARS to be their race. I look white, so I am white. And I don't want to be white.
I've taken up learning Japanese as well as Chinese, and Hebrew. And German. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Please no arguing about white privilege, I've heard everything there is to hear on the matter, and I know how luck I am.