Is it normal that i really dislike my grandson?

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23 Comments

I am a long-distance Grandmother. I see my two grandchildren for a few weeks in the Winter and a few weeks in the summer. I wish it was more, but distance keeps us apart. I try to connect via email, Facebook, phone and mail but I find it difficult to foster a meaningful, close connection despite my desire to do so. I almost never get a reply from him. My grandson is very difficult to get close to. I just can't get him to engage with me. He is 9 years old and never seems to initiate any type of dialogue with any adults, except his Mother. If he does respond, which is rare, it is with a one word reply. I find him to be a real "do-gooder" type to a fault. He is kind of a "rain on my parade" kind of kid, who finds fault with everything. If we try to play a game, he gets hung up on the rules and cannot enjoy any game unless he wins. If he doesn't win, he accuses everyone of cheating! He has a terrible temper and loves to slam doors and sulks constantly. He is very negative, and picks on his younger sister constantly. He is very sneaky about it also, making it look like she is the instigator, so she is the one who gets disciplined. I was hoping our relationship would improve as he grew older, but my granddaughter and I grow closer, and he and I just grow miles apart. I feel that I am putting in all of the effort and he doesn't even try or care. It makes being around him very uncomfortable, especially when I have such a close, loving, easy relationship with my granddaughter. Believe me, I did not choose it to be this way, I just connect with her and not with him. I hate to admit it but he is truly one of those "unlikeable" kids who unfortunately just happens to be my grandson!


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70% Normal
Based on 79 votes (55 yes)
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Comments ( 23 )
  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago | pl

    You are expecting to much out of a little kid.

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    • TheProph
      10 years ago

      Very well said, and accurate. Sounds like granny is the issue, not the kid.

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    • Grimalkin048
      6 years ago

      These days, with 6 year-olds committing armed robberies and murder, a nine year old is an elder statesman who is well able to manipulate, and totally worthy of being disliked for him/herself. Then, too, the last two or three generations of adults who think they should be their kids' best friends rather than their parents have a lot to answer for. I suspect those of you who are judging the grandmother in this case are guilty of "I'm my child's BFF" syndrome.

      Our middle son, who has narcissistic personality disorder, has gone overboard on religion so he and his similarly-oriented wife decided that the only people who should be allowed to socialize regularly with their children are members of their church. As a result, we and his own twin brother only see the grandchildren twice a year, at best. The children don't know us, they don't know the meaning of the word "no", and the two oldest --- 3 and 5 years old --- are still in diapers and using pacifiers.

      Holy-rolling son and daughter-in-law have been informed that their son exhibits strong signs of having Asperger's, but they've refused testing and are lobbying all of the grandparents for funds to send him to a private school "that will allow him to learn by playing"....

      And, you know what? My husband and I haven't said a word, but I do not look forward to those one or two visits a year when our home is torn apart and we have to listen to endless meltdowns because the children don't want to do whatever it is that sets them off.

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  • TheProph
    10 years ago

    You see your grandkid a couple of times a year, and you wonder why he doesn't initiate conversation with you?

    It's the responsibility of the parent/grandparent to keep in contact with the kid, not the other way around. What 9 year old goes around calling their aunts and uncles and grandparents? I have to practically force my son to talk to his mother on the phone. Does it mean he loves her any less? No. Does it mean he's "unlikeable" far from it, he's a great kid.

    But to his mother, he may seem that way. Why? Because he barely sees her. "Out of sight, out of mind" this fact is multiplied by about 1000 when dealing with children.

    You sound like a neurotic old lady who's bitter about your grandson being a kid.

    I will say it definitely sounds like he's spoiled, but that's not his fault, it's your daughter/sons fault.

    Are you sure you don't just hate your child's significant other and the kid reminds you of them? That usually tends to be the case when grandparents dislike their grandkids.

    bugsbreakfast summed it up perfectly. You're expecting too much out of a little kid.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    Hm, maybe something is bothering him and he doesn't know how to express it? Kids deal with situations differently to how an adult would. That's not saying anything is bothering him of course but maybe try talking to him?

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    • AbnormallyAwesome
      10 years ago

      Well said!
      Stop focusing on the symptoms and try finding the cause. Maybe he's just a late bloomer in terms of social competence. But maybe there's something or someone who makes him feel unappreciated or worthless so he has to put others down to feel better.
      Whatever you do, do it with love.

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  • Smackdatho
    10 years ago

    you sound like a real bitch in all honesty. hes a child...

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    • Lastchild725
      10 years ago

      Being a child doesn't immediately grant immunity from all responsibility. This grandmother doesn't sound like a bitch, she sounds troubled. You on the other hand.

      I'd suggest that you talk with his mother and find out if you're not the only one he behaves this way with. If it has to do with a condition. *Autism, ADD, ADHD, or OCD* it'll only degrade without some form of help.

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  • Avant-Garde
    10 years ago

    Understandable, but keep in mind that no one is perfect. I don't think that he sounds like a asshole. In the past, I experienced my fair share of temper flares up, faults in character, extreme seriousness, pessimism etc. Even now, though i am much better, I occasionally lose my cool (it happens to most people), I am still serious, and can be consider a bit of a pessimist. The thing is with me, there were things going in my life that many people had no clue about. My point is is that something might be going on with him that is causing him to behave in such manners. I think that he could greatly benefit from therapy with a therapist who specialises in children/adolescents. Don't be so quick to judge him. Good luck to both of you.

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    • TheProph
      10 years ago

      Another good point.

      Maybe you should take the time to talk to his parents and find out more about him, or try to talk to him about it. As Avant said, (paraphrasing) you have no idea what's going on in his mind. And since you see him so infrequently, you don't know what the situation at his home is like. Just because he's not being physically abused, doesn't mean he's not being mentally abused. A lot of times mental abuse isn't intentional and it's just a result of bad parenting.

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      • ibreathelectric
        10 years ago

        YES.

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  • LightY
    5 years ago

    My grandson will be 5 in October. He is the third born out of 4 kids. Over the last year, he has become so violent that I can't deal with him. I cannot like, now not even love him because of this. His mother (my daughter) just lets him get away with hurting everyone, and does nothing. He NEEDS to be on some meds, and she still, refuses to do anything. I love my 3 granddaughters, but, this one, I can't forgive for the hittings he has done to me.

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  • ibreathelectric
    10 years ago

    I believe you answered your own question with "he is 9 years old". Give him a break, he's a kid. You shouldn't judge anyone, especially a child, unless you can say you've truly walked a mile in his shoes, which you haven't.

    There are SO MANY factors that could play into his being difficult. Maybe his family life isn't all that great. Maybe he has a poor relationship with his parents and/or siblings and has trouble feeling close to anyone. Maybe his school life is difficult, maybe he's being bullied and has no self-confidence. Maybe he was born with some type of emotional/behavioral disorder in which his brain just isn't wired to behave like a "normal" human being.

    My best guess is, at 9 years old, his mother and/or father isn't teaching him to develop relationships with his extended family. Maybe they even discourage this kind behavior behind your back. Kids that young don't keep their distance from a grandparent unless they have reason to- either it's you or his parents. Maybe you're doing something that makes him feel uncomfortable getting close to you.

    Bottom line- you may want to take a step back from this whole situation and look at the bigger picture. You are his grandparent and an adult figure in his life, and no matter how badly/neglectfully he treats you, you should still give him unconditional love despite the reciprocation. YOU'RE the adult here. Show him what it's like to give unconditionally.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    sounds mean

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  • Acerbic
    10 years ago

    I think it's normal that you get along more with one than the other. Like others have said, just because you're related does not mean that there's automatically going to be a strong bond between the two of you. Unlike what you may hear, most grandparents do have a favorite. The trick is to not treat them any differently regardless of your feelings.

    Having said that, I do have a bit of a problem with how you compare the two siblings- you dote on the girl while demonizing the boy. He's nine years old and lots of, if not most, little boys go through that stage where they do seem mean towards their siblings and tend to act out. Not to mention the fact that children are very astute, even when it seems like they're not paying attention. He's more than likely noticed the way you are with his sister and might be a little jealous, leading him to pick on her more. That's just the way kids handle things. There are only a certain number of roles a child can take on in a family and it seems like his sister has taken on the "good child" role. His acting out may just be the only way he knows how to get attention. There also could be something going on at home and you may not know.

    Some kids are more charismatic and open than others, but that doesn't mean that your grandson is a bad kid. It might just take him more time than your granddaughter to open up with you because he doesn't see you that often. Try to treat them the same way and I'm sure that in time, he'll come around.

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  • 69
    10 years ago

    yeah, it happens. i've seen the exact same setting (brother and sister) around the same age act exactly like that (and the boy connecting with the father rather than the mother). there's really not much you can do except for treating him the same way you do but not expecting him to correspond, like you seem to be. they are now about 18, he's a high school dropout without a job and she's a med student

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    I don't think there's anything in the "grand parents rule book" that says you have to like the little shit. His mother has obviously has not taught him the basics of courteous interactions with other people; her failure, not yours.
    I'd ignore the little shit and enjoy what you have going with his sister. In time, perhaps he'll change, or become a serial killer.

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    • ibreathelectric
      10 years ago

      So if YOUR parents taught you that ignoring family members was right all your life and you didn't know any different, would you think it were fair to be called a "little shit"?

      Children aren't "little shits". It's their parents and/or biological factors that make them that way. They're just a lump of clay fallen into the wrong hands.

      I couldn't disagree with your line of thinking more- it has absolutely no empathy whatsoever. I encourage you to put yourself in this kid's shoes (which you can't, because you know absolutely nothing about him or where he comes from) and then find it right to call him a "little shit".

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      • thegypsysailor
        10 years ago

        From her description, he sounds like a spoiled little shit to me. Call him whatever you choose, I couldn't give 2 shits at all; he ain't mine. If he were, he'd be a perfect gentleman around company, or he wouldn't sit down for a week. You're right, I have no empathy for the little shit she described, and you are way wrong, some pieces of clay aren't worth a damn no matter what environment they were raised in. Not all mass murderers and serial killers came from horrid backgrounds. Some are just born bad.

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        • ibreathelectric
          10 years ago

          I feel sorry for you and whoever hurt you so badly that you can't feel love or empathy. Have a nice life full of ignorance and void of meaning.

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          • thegypsysailor
            10 years ago

            You sure assume a lot over one little bastard who hasn't the time or desire to be nice to his grandmother.
            Save your pity and sorrow for someone who gives a damn what you think.

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    • TheProph
      10 years ago

      Yeah, it sounds like his mother/father didn't teach him the basics. Maybe the mother/father's mother didn't do a good job raising her own kids?

      These things are cycles.

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  • Psoriano
    10 years ago

    Sounds like a real douche.

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