Is it normal that i'm suspicious of my boyfriend?

My boyfriend has this thing where he drives around late at night to destress. He would do it every now and then like when he had a very bad day at work or if we got into a major fight. But lately, he's been going every week! And one time he got home at 7 am; he left at midnight. That time we didn't get into a fight; he was just stressed. He got fired two months ago, so I understand that he's been stressed and bummed. But the 7 am thing has not left my mind. He said he was just driving, stopped once to pee. He swears he doesn't stop anywhere at all. But driving around for seven hours?? Our city is not that big at all! I checked his miles once, and he had 2640. He went on a ride Friday night for 6 hours. Checked his miles the next day, and he only had 2770. Wouldn't he have more if he drove 6 hours straight?? The thing is, I know he's not cheating. I feel it in my gut and heart. I just wish I could know! Oh, and I confessed that I checked his miles, and now he's upset :( Is it normal that I'm suspicious? Is it normal that I feel I should know where he goes?? We do live together-have been for 2 years.

Voting Results
74% Normal
Based on 54 votes (40 yes)
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Comments ( 48 )
  • TerryVie

    I think it's normal that you are suspicious!

    The thing is, if he has problems, or needs support, he should be able and willing to come to you! Thats a very basic partnership thing about bonding.

    But rather than that, when he has problems or stress, he TURNS AWAY from you, going somewhere else.

    The fact with his mileage shows he's going SOMEWHERE, not driving around all the time as he claims.
    While i think it's a very real possibility he just meets with friends for a few beers or has another spot to go to, it _IS_ weird.
    Obviously, it's something he doesn't want to share, or that he does not want to tell you about.
    Starting from an affair, or a strip club, or a drug habit, or whatever...anything that would not fly well with you seems an obvious reason to lie about where he goes and what he does.

    130 miles would be 65 back and forth, quite a distance, but should be easier to guess which area he was going.

    The thing is, he does NOT come to you for support when he has a problem...ok, not everybody like that...
    but, more importantly, he doesn't trust you about knowing HOW he lets of steam, doesn't trust you to know what he's doing or what works for him.

    And thats a very valid reason to be suspicious. For all you know, he could be meeting with another women, or go to clansmeetings, or whatever....

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    • NeuroNeptunian

      Man, I know it's a pain in the ass to lie to the insurance adjuster but I am now very happy that my odometer is broken.

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  • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

    maybe it's time to have some relationship counseling.

    i mean it's one thing to de-stress but... driving for 7 hours is expensive with the way gas is.

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    • NeuroNeptunian

      Oh fuck yeah. Unless he has the money to be taking trips like this on a regular basis. I sure as hell don't. I make sure to do my "de-stressing" on my way to work, when I HAVE to drive.

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      • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

        the OP said the man had lost his job i think.

        who's paying for the gas then?

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        • riley10

          I'm not! I told him I wasn't helping him with gas if he keeps taking these joy rides. And, his tank wasn't even half empty. It was still pretty full. See, he never seems to worry about the money spent on gasing up, which he should bc he's only receiving unemployement, and that's not a lot at all!

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          • Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

            You're paying for it anyway - in two ways really.

            1) If you pay taxes you're paying for him to do this. (in fact we're ALL paying his way)

            2) Is he contributing to the household? If he's spending all of his unemployment money on moody gas driving, what's he contributing to keeping the household running?

            I mean it's one thing to just do this once in a while, but now he's driving around because he's moody every night, for 7+ hours?

            Maybe it's time he stopped thinking of just himself and his moody feelings and started contributing to your household and relationship.

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            • riley10

              Exactly. For the record, he doesn't go every day. He's been going one day out of the week for the past three/four weeks now. He went two days last week; once bc he just wanted to go (Tues. night) and the other time was on Friday night bc we got into a fight, which wasn't even a major one at all! And when he came home at 4 am, he slept in the living room. We made up on Saturday, and everything was fine, until I checked his miles yesterday. :( I'm so afraid that our relationship may end ver soon.

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          • NeuroNeptunian

            Try to get into his head before you jump to conclusions. But that is extremely suspicious that that money is coming outta nowhere. Either he is getting into some debt or he got into something else.

            Granted if you guys don't have sex and he turns you down when you try to initiate then major red light. Something seems majorly wrong in your relationship. Even I can sense when my husband is worried and I'm willing to give up a tiny bit of my independence for his comfort.

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            • riley10

              We've only had sex twice since November, and he's the one that's been turning me down :(

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  • pala

    I think you'd be happier with a poodle, rather than a boyfriend. Don't shave them into funny shapes, though.

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  • lc1988

    Maybe he has a place he likes to go and think that he doesn't want you to know about. I used to do this a few years where I would drive around but always go to this one spot after a while out in the wilderness.

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    • riley10

      But why doesn't he want me to know about it?? I believe I have a right to know.

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      • NeuroNeptunian

        Maybe he doesn't like that you're getting on his arse about it, and it's a possibility that he doesn't want you going there to bother him. Frankly, if gas wasn't so expensive, I'd do the same thing.

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        • lc1988

          It's okay to have some secrets. It's not hurting anyone. It's just a special spot. Don't be so controlling and have a little trust or do you both a favor and leave...if that's what it is lol

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          • NeuroNeptunian

            Well they are not having sex either. They're both unhappy in the relationship, there are many factors at play here and you would have to read all of her posts to see them.

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            • riley10

              I am very happy in this relationship. Otherwise, I wouldn't be on here trying to figure out what was going on to save our relationship. This may be TMI, but we just had sex an hour ago :D He has not changed at all the entire time we've been together. He's still very loving

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            • lc1988

              i don't see the no sex thing in the post...maybe I'm just blind.

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        • riley10

          But I wouldn't go bother him. Why would I?

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          • NeuroNeptunian

            Maybe you won't, but it's an independance thing (and I have that issue as well) that, if you don't understand now, you will never understand.

            I like to go out and do things and previous boyfriends in the past always like to know where I was going but sometimes I just didn't care to tell them that I was going to the races, or going to hang out with my friends, etc. This is me time, get a fucking life. It's not like I am worried about them coming to find me but I just have an unexplainable desire not to have to explain myself when I am an adult and I'm not really doing anything wrong.

            My husband understands that. I don't go out as often as your husband does but he understands that sometimes I just don't want to explain myself.

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  • FJK_frm_AK25

    He mite have a drug. Or gambling problem or ur wrong n he's cheating

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  • ccjigsaw

    Sounds liek he's going to the bar maybe? Can't be to sure, but I'd be suspicious to

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  • EnterUsernameHere

    I honestly believe you shouldn't be so worried. The fact that you're breathing down his neck probably isn't helping anything. If he needs time alone you should give it to him no matter what he does with it(Unless he's cheating, murdering, etc.) He needs space and probably a little more support on your part.

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  • tiffunny5

    The question is- Is it normal for some one to drive around for 7 hours for no other reason than being under stress ?
    No that's not normal !
    Id say its normal to drive some place, park and sit and think about things is normal. Some times we just need to get away from it all but have no where else to go except to a parking lot. But then again... There is always the Strip clubs ?? :/

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  • Corleone

    You're either paranoid or right. If you're right, then your relationship is hinging on whether or not he meets someone he'd like to bang (or whether or not you'll find out).

    If you're just paranoid, well... then there's still something that's inciting that emotion. If you're going to start a life with someone, you'd better be 100% sure of that person. If you aren't, then I'm sorry to say you've got some thinking to do.

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  • violetgrape

    This must be very stressful to you.I know you are hurt by his behaviour.I think he is probably depressed himself.he is jobless so he may be feeling worthless /inadequate for you and in general.maybe he is harbouring a deep ugly secret that he cannot share with anyone.maybe he is going out and engaging in deals that he wouldn't want you to find out. maybe he murderd someone.I think I'm watching too much tv.Anyway just sit him down and ask him if he needs a break from the r/ship.let him know that if he wants to be alone you will give him some space but when he is with you you deserve openness from him.communication is good coz you can sense if someone is commited to the relationship or is bored with it.I hope al the best for you.

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  • riley10

    Thanks everybody! The thing is, everytime I call him, he answers. Granted, I fall asleep long before he comes home. But one time he told me that he doesn't like that I call him because the whole point of his going on his drives is to get away from it all. And he has told me that his drives have nothing to do with me, unless he leaves when we fight. Also, he doesn't get on highways; I made him promise me he wouldn't bc they can be dangerous at night with drunk drivers and all. So he just takes the streets. Would that make a difference in his mileage? And I'm also afraid that I'm wrong or it's something innocent. He threw the whole "trust" thing when I confronted him about the mileage not making sense, adding up. So of course, I feel like crap. What if lc1988 is right? That he goes to some place to destress and doesn't want me to know about it. Don't I have a right to know?

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    • NeuroNeptunian

      Driving on the highway or on the streets doesn't make a difference, the odometer measures miles driven, not miles to the gallon. And he is probably taking highways anyway. Not using highways at night because of the drunks that might be driving on the highways is stupid. He probably feels that way. There are just as many DUI accidents in the city than there are on the highway, if there are not more. It looks like you're setting nonsense rules for his own "safety" when really you haven't thought it out that much as well.

      There's no need to feel like crap for it. Anyone can look at his odometer, assuming his windows are not tinted jet black, so why can't you? I think that you do have a right to know but I think that you should probably reexamine your relationship with him. Ask yourself why he would want to leave the house and be away from you like that.

      Think about it, when you guys do spend time together, do you have fun together? Or is it about you, do you expect him to do for you? Or are you under the illusion that being a good homemaker- cooking his dinner, cleaning his house etc. is all you need to do to make him happy? Do you feel that you have a right to every aspect of his life? Many women think that they are selfless and loving, gracious wives/girlfriends/homemakers when they are really just self-entitled brats and/or think that all a man wants is a chef, a maid, a therapist and a vagina.

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      • riley10

        In our city, there are a lot of cases where drunks get on the highway and drive the wrong way. I know there are drunk drivers everywhere. We do have fun together, and most of the time, we do things he wants to do. And please do not generalize women as being brats and self-centered. I know I'm a hard pill to swallow, but he isn't that pleasant all the time. Besides, what does your last paragraph have to do with why he runs and hides somewhere and keeping it from me? And I give him the time he needs and wants. I never give him crap for playing his video games the entire day. Ours is a give-and-take relationship. Plus, we're adults. He should be able to come to me about anything.

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        • NeuroNeptunian

          I'll humor you here. All women are self-centered brats. Happy?

          There are a lot of cases of drunks getting on the highway here too. I live in San Diego. That's still not a reason to fear being on the highway. You can get killed just as easily on the street.If you can't see how my last paragraph would have to do with how he runs and hides, then there is no use in my explaining it to you. Many of the people here have told you to go to him for answers and I am merely giving you a different perspective- look at yourself. Ask yourself what you might be doing wrong to push him away and don't delude yourself into thinking that it's all him. Some women ARE selfish brats and they think that the man should make all of the effort into figuring out what is wrong. If you can't appreciate that I am telling you to take that effort-figure out why he wants to leave and don't delude yourself into thinking that it's 100% him-then like I said, there's no point in arguing it.

          He's obviously into escapism. He escapes reality with his car and with his controller as opposed to turning to you for comfort. Take the advice of the other posters but at the same time, ask yourself if there is anything you could POSSIBLY be doing to further his efforts to escape you?

          He may be cheating. He may be drinking. He may be shooting heroin up his ass but whatever it is, he enjoys it more than BEING WITH YOU and I am telling you to figure out WHY.

          Being an adult doesn't solve all of your interpersonal problems. Adults are fully capable of acting like anti-social children. "I'm a hard pill to swallow but so is he", knowing you have flaws and not doing anything about them is the same as not giving a shit, period. Him being difficult does not excuse you for being difficult.

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          • riley10

            I have asked him if it has anything to do with me, and he swears to me that it doesn't. So, I have to trust and believe him, no? Trust me, I internalize everything, so I automatically thought it was me. Why he's leaving isn't even my big issue. It's where he's stopping. That's what I want to know. Whatever the fuck it is I'm doing wrong, he needs to tell me. Sometimes we don't realize that what we're doing is wrong. When he's not doing something right, I make sure I tell him. He should be doing the same for me.

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            • NeuroNeptunian

              Then maybe he is a shitty communicator or bored of you. Because the bottom line is that he is unhappy with you. Even me and my overly independant ass would have told my husband by now. There's a chance that he might BE doing something wrong but if it seems that the both of you are unhappy in the relationship it might be time to try counseling or call it quits.

              I'll tell you this, might help you gain some insight on escapism.

              My buddy is a man, 53 years old, and his wife has had drug/depression/stealing money from him/alcohol/smoking problems in the past and no matter what he has done, none of her problems seem to ever let up. He he has given up. He works as much as possible, watches TV all day (despite her coming in front of the TV now and then to nag at him about not getting butter when grocery shopping, etc.), and sometimes just leaves without telling her. I did the same fucking thing when I lived there. She sucked the life out of everyone with her issues.

              I'm not saying you have a drug/depression problem but he might be fed up with reality or the reality of the relationship and trying to escape something that he perceives to be sucking the life out of him. You have to get the root of the problem. What are you doing, what's getting him and what you can do to help. People don't always communicate with words but in the case of my buddy, who is fed up with words as fighting her has proven to be futile, whose wife can't for the life of her figure out why he is so upset, there is communication there but you have to pay close attention to the entire situation.

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  • karmasAbich

    Hm don't think he's being 100% honest. Not normal.

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  • DannyKanes

    And he's up to something, him getting upset about you checking the mileage proves it.

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  • DannyKanes

    He's lying to you, time to confront him

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