Is it normal that i'm not sure about my gender and orientation?
I was born with male genital and body but I'm not comfortable in a situation where people regard me as a man. For example, there was a day where my friends asked me to join a soccer
. I felt pretty uncomfortable being among the guys. I assume it's the same feeling as when a woman being alone in the crowd of men. HOWEVER, I also has certain degree of pride as a man, and definitely would not want somebody regard me as a woman.
In term of sexual desire, I am (so far) only turned on by men, even my first wet dream was with a man.
What bothers me is that I feel a lot of anger/resentment inside as this whole gender/orientation confusion creates a distress. Most of my friends who are in the same batch as me already got married and some even already had a baby. People started to question me of when I will send them a wedding invitation.
One thing I feel quite confusing is, whether I'm a male or female, I'm not comfortable with the idea of having boyfriend/girlfriend and even having sex with my partner even after marriage. I just can't imagine myself having that sexual desire running through my body however good I am at controlling it. But I know it's there and sometimes I even could not really control it.
There was a time in primary school where I had a crush with a girl, and I would rather say it emotional attachment. She's not beautiful in the eyes of most of my male friends. So I rather say it's not because of her physical appearance. HOWEVER, I also remember times where I admired (or rather mesmerized) by my male classmates who I regarded as handsome men. That time I never really thought of what was going on in my mind.
Now I am 25. I would say I rather "behind" in term of development compared to average men. I had my first wet dream when I was 20, did self-masturbation around that age too. I'm not sure how I manage it, but I can't really recall any moment where I did fantasize about sex (whether it be with a man or woman) until I was 20 yo, too. In short, I have successfully abstain from any sexual activity (be it fantasizing or the real physical sex) for around a couple of decades.
I'm not really sure about my gender and orientation now. Is it normal?