Is it normal that i'm letting my husband do ivf with his ex?

We've actually commenced the adoption process. The problem over here (Australia)is that it is so expensive and takes up to seven years so, as a result, it is so rare. As it takes so long, you never get a baby or even an infant; instead, you get a school-aged child. I have never met anyone of our generation in this country with an adopted child. We have a generous sole-parent pension so Australian mums NEVER give up their children, and abortion has been legal since I was a baby myself and can even be free for people with low incomes. Hence, unwanted pregnancies going to full term are very, very rare. As a result, adopted children in Australia are always from third-world countries. It's the hardest country in the world to adopt in which is why Hugh Jackman and his wife had to adopt in the US even though they originally wanted to do it at home. I saw a 19 yo boy (George Dennehy) on TV, found in a Romanian orphanage with no arms at the age of 12 months, and he eventually taught himself to play the guitar proficiently with his feet. We were so heartwarmed that we have also decided to adopt a physically disabled child. (Fortunately, we can afford a nanny or two to help.) So that ball is in motion. Another problem: it is illegal over here for the mum to more than 45 years older than the adopted child, and illegal for the mum to be over 50. That will mean that by the time we get our child, I could be as old as 53, and the adoption will be canceled. But we're trying anyway. You never know your luck. At the end of the day, if we're unlucky, at least I have my adult son, who my husband loves, and we have each other which is more than enough. We don't need a child to make us complete but we have a lot of love to give so it would be nice.

Another possibility is being a foster parent. Parents with problems sometimes foster out their children but then they can just demand them back anytime and there is nothing you can do. They rarely allow a continuing relationship with their child. Obviously, I have looked into fostering children but unfortunately, I have a marijuana possession conviction dating back to when I was 18 so that makes us unacceptable as foster parents by the laws of this land.

I agree and you've convinced me to meet this woman first. If she strikes me as someone I could have a peaceful, constructive ongoing relationship with, we can move forward. However, my husband is known by everyone to be a very good judge of character. He is known by the other partners in his nationwide firm as "the sole voice of reason in a sea of hotheads". He's not going to date a woman who is a bitch, for want of a better term. (He told me that the reason why he left her was because she didn't "turn him on" enough and she wasn't smart enough but he says she was a great person. I have found birthday cards from her and they always sound loving and kind.) But I keep coming back to the fact that it's all a bit academic because, let's face it, this baby will be born when hell freezes over because she's 44 and his sperm seems to be blank because he couldn't even make it happen with the most fertile egg donor on record at the agency, after three attempts. BTW, he would make such a great father. His own (late) father was the most wonderful, magnanimous person and that's the model he learned from. His Mom still says that he is the one who reminds her most of him. They still celebrate his birthday with a big party even though he died almost 20 years ago. Now that's a loved father.

I agree and we've already done that. We've had 4 different surrogates from overseas and they've all lost the babies (well, embryos). When all is said and done, it really is a moot point because she could do IVF with him til kingdom come and it's not going to work because she's 44 and his sperm didn't even work when combined with three eggs from the most fertile young woman on record with the agency we went through overseas.
I don't think you're being pessimistic. So many issues could and probably would come up, if it was miraculously successful. I'd basically have to put up with a third person in my marriage. I guess it's about whether it's worth having to deal with all those potential (more like "certain") minefields. My husband and I really do both feel like we have a bond that nothing could break. We know this because it's been tested by a lot worse than this.
Unfortunately, surrogacy is only legal here if it's done for free and we don't know anyone who'd be willing to carry a baby for us for 9 months. And that would require an embryo anyway, and where are we going to get that, in this country, where the buying of eggs is illegal?

She DOESN'T think of him as a friend. She's clearly still in love with him and in 13 years, hasn't been able to move on. I feel terribly for her. She doesn't want use donor sperm because she won't know what she's getting. My husband is smart, athletic, wealthy and successful with a wonderful personality (but not handsome or tall). He will be able to provide for this child. Let's be realistic here; the IVF won't work. She's 44 and my husband clearly has dud sperm. If it does work it will be a miracle and a lot of people will be happy. All I want is for my husband to have the child he so desperately wants. Commercial surrogacy and the buying/selling of eggs/sperm is illegal over here so we always went overseas which was such a hassle.

She ABSOLUTELY wants a baby of her own. It will be hers, not ours. Since she's my husband's ex, he sees it as being the same as if he and his ex-wife had a child but he moved on. She wants him to be involved, i.e. the child staying here every second weekend, which he also wants and I'm fine about.

I don't know if I could meet her. She's loved him for fifteen plus years and still does. How can I look this woman in the eye knowing that I have the one thing that she desires more than anything? I would feel terrible. At least I didn't steal him off her, even if I did come straight after her. They were over before we began. Let's face it, the IVF will probably not work because she's too old and his sperm seems to be blank.