Is it normal that i like to be sissified?

Okay so ever since I was a child I remember getting super erect at the thought of transforming into a woman, like gender bending. Not really the thought of becoming a woman in my own body, but like, by magic. The first time I ejaculated was at 12 years old, wearing my mom's dress and a diaper.

I also remember going on a church camping trip when I was pretty young, like 9 or so. If anyone acted out of terms on that trip, they were forced to wear a blue dress. I remember hoping secretly that it would be me. The shame turned me on so much.

Fast forward to now, I'm 21 years old and like to masturbate to erotic captions and sometimes stories on the internet, fuck I could even look at a picture of a normal girl and play out a whole fantasy in my head. Usually my fantasies involve her like forcing me to lift my skirt, force me to cheerlead, etc. I also like wearing panties mostly while engaging in masturbating.

After I'm done though I seem to get more and more Anxious, like what in God's name did I just do. I then decide to put my boxers back on. Anyway, lately I've been an emotional wreck. I've read stories online of people who say that they used to do the same things I did and eventually they felt they had to become a woman. The thought of someone telling me I have to take hormones to get rid of my immense anxiety scares me utterly shitless.

This used to be a fun, stress relieving activity for me. Now it's hell on earth and I can't stop. I mean, is there anyone out there who has these fantasies but has no desire to make permanent changes to their body, or to be identified as a female. Am I just in denial?I also have a history of OCD. I used to fear "accidentally" killing myself, my family, forgetting how to breathe, becoming a pedo, a serial killer, losing my hair, etc.

Sorry for writing my life story, but I'm just so confused and would never want thoughts like these to take over my life as they have currently. There are sometimes where I'm very sure of myself and then another doubt enters my mind and ruins my whole day.