Is it normal that i have many issues with sex?

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22 Comments

I've never felt sexually attracted to anyone and I can't even imagine myself having any kind of sexual interaction without it being repulsive. That would make me asexual, I'm pretty sure.

However, I also have philosophical/moral issues against sex. i believe it's quite useless, because I don't see how that could be a form of bringing people emotionally closer; I just think it's quite humiliating. To be honest I don't know the evolutive reason for humans to feel pleasure in sex, but I guess it would be so we don't stop procreating, and if so, having sex for pleasure and not children would be fooling mother nature, which seems quite wrong and pretentious to me.

The society we live in doesn't help, either. Sometimes I think that sex irks me so much because of the way it's treated nowadays, but I don't know. It really, really bothers me that everything (TV shows, music, ads etc) is about sex and that people are encouraged to 'fuck' rather than to 'make love'. I think that if sex were regarded as just a part of a relationship that has a previous intimate emotional connection, it wouldn't bother me that some people find it pleasurable, even if it still didn't appeal to me. What I do see, however, is that everyone is more concerned with whether or not someone's good in bed than with what really makes a person special and therefore desirable for a relationship: their personality.

All that aside, I'm absolutely terrified of having sex. Please understand: I'm disgusted by it, but I'm ALSO scared of it. I'm pretty sure it would be absolutely awkward, and I'd feel horrible being so absurdly vulnerable to the point of losing control over my body in the presence of anyone. I would never trust anyone enough to do that, but I don't have any other kind of trust issues. And I'm desperately scared of doctors/hospitals/etc, so no creepy alien-looking baby stealing my food and then exploding through my vagina and no STDs, please.

And even though my disgust, moral issues and fear are quite uncomfortable, I don't want to change any of that. My only concern is that I'll never be good enough for a sexual partner, but I would never do something without wanting to just to please someone else and avoid rejection.

So, is it normal to have all these issues combined? (Telling me in the comments if you think I'm asexual or not would be nice, too. Just please don't tell me to seek treatment because of the fourth paragraph).

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30% Normal
Based on 10 votes (3 yes)
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Comments ( 22 )
  • quentari
    10 years ago

    Okay it's normal to have issues with sex. Not being attracted to either gender sexually would make you an asexual, finding sex gross/disgusting is another issue entirely.

    You believe that it doesn't bring people emotionally closer but as you've never experienced it with a loving partner you are in no position to judge, it's very capable of bringing two people closer together. There should be nothing humiliating about sex (unless that's what you're in to). The pleasure probably is so we keep procreating, but we aren't the only species to have sex for pleasure rather than babies. Your opinions on cheating mother nature are your own and I won't comment further.

    People in relationships do often regard it as "making love" not "fucking", your issue seems to be that you think everyone thinks in real life like they do in bad teenage-boy movies. Oh and not "some people find it pleasurable", ALL people find it pleasurable. Unless they are doing it wrong. There are lots of people out there that look for personality over bed skills, and it's unfortunate that you haven't found anyone like that yet.

    It's normal to be nervous or scared about sex if you haven't had it before, it's a sign that you're not ready for it. As is worrying that you won't be good enough to ever be a sexual partner.

    Overall I'm not sure. I wouldn't class it as normal to have all of those fears but I'm not a psychologist. Going to see one could help you settle your fears and maybe find the root of them.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      First off, thank for taking me seriously, which doesn't happen as frequently as I'd expect on a website like this (and thanks for reading it all, too).

      I understand that people have every right to (and probably will) disagree with me when I say that nobody should have sex. That's okay, but what pisses me off is that if I say I don't wanna do it (and explain my reasons, like I did above), everyone tries to convince me otherwise, like you sort of did. Don't I have the right to abhor it?

      And I agree with you that I probably think everyone behaves like they do in 'bad teenage-boy movies', but that's because it's what I see everywhere in the media, and also on the internet, where it's real people talking (maybe trolling, but still). But was I supposed to know about people's sex life, or their views on sex outside of those settings?

      Not all people find it pleasurable. Maybe all people find it chemically pleasurable, but if you orgasm when being raped, you didn't really enjoy it. A less radical example would also be asexual people who aren't willing to have sex.

      Maybe I'm not ready for it, but shouldn't I at least wish I were? I mean, I've seen people with problems similar to mine, but they always wanted to overcome them and have a happy and active sex life, which isn't my case. I just wish I could come to terms with the fact I'm repulsed by sex, but not change it, or 'fix' it. And forgive me if I worded it badly, but I'm not worried about not being a good sexual partner, what I was saying is that I'm concerned that if I find a partner who wants to have sex I won't be able to give them that.

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      • quentari
        10 years ago

        You totally have the right to not want to have sex, I'm just trying to convince you that other people do want to have sex and are allowed to want to have sex I guess :)

        Honestly, you probably can't. But if everyone had those views on sex families wouldn't be a thing. People wouldn't have relationships. Sure, some idiots on the internet and some people actually do think like that but for the most part they are a minority and will usually grow out of it anyway.

        I did say that you wouldn't enjoy it if you're doing it wrong. If you're doing it without the consent of the other person you are really doing it wrong.

        I also think you may be confused about asexuals. Asexuality in humans is the lack of sexual attraction to either gender, asexuals are fully capable of getting horny, and most of them are able to have sexual relationships with their partners (who they're with because of love not sexual attraction).

        You don't have to wish you were. I recommended a phsychologist to help you find the root of your problems, because there probably is an incident or something that set you on this path. It's between you and your therapist whether you just make it so you're not stressed out by your lack of wanting sex or if you want to try and get yourself "fixed". The fact that you aren't happy with how you are now says a lot.

        You may one day change your mind about sex, but there are people out there who aren't interested in sex. If you want a relationship just be open from the beginning and if they can't accept that then they aren't worth knowing.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Mostly everything you said is fair enough, but please help me with the definition of 'asexuality'. I know that asexuals are capable of having sex, but a lot of them find it repulsive and wouldn't agree to do it, which is my case.

          What I think happens with me is that I'm both asexual and problematic, because when sexual people have trouble with having sex, they want to fix those issues, because they want to have sex. I, however, don't have a problem with my issues, and the only reason why I sort of wish I were okay with sex is so I could be a fully satisfactory wife/girlfriend, but not to please myself.

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          • quentari
            10 years ago

            The most basic definition of asexuality is: Not sexually attracted to either gender.

            Some asexuals don't have much of a desire to have sex, or don't bother with it because nothing in particular actually turns them on.

            I have never heard of them being actually REPULSED by sex, and I think that may show some underlying problem unrelated to asexuality (although I am neither asexual nor a psychiatrist so I can't know for sure)

            You also contradict yourself. "I, however, don't have a problem with my issues" and then "I sort of wish I were okay with sex".

            If you were actually okay with your issues 1. you wouldn't be here and 2. You wouldn't care about potentially pleasing a future partner, you'd just assume you could find someone who doesn't want sex either.

            It is very possible to be asexual and also have underlying problems regarding sex, just don't blame asexuality for your problems.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              10 years ago

              People seem repulsed by sex quite often on AVEN.

              Right, if I were okay I wouldn't be here, but the thing is that I'm proud of being anti-sexual, but in practice that's quite stressful, because I have found someone I don't want to ever let go of and he's not asexual or anything. Yes, we've talked about this and he said he'd be okay not having sex with me, but I still feel bad about it.

              I'm just having a hard time figuring out if I'm just anti-sexual/sex-repulsed or if I'm both that and asexual.

              Sorry if I'm getting annoying, and thanks again for helping :)

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  • melissa0511
    10 years ago

    /WHOAH. way too much to read.../ ugh.. sure.. *nods head*

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  • handsignals
    10 years ago

    SEX FEELS GOOD!

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      For you.

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      • handsignals
        10 years ago

        Not for the hooker.

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  • ygrowup
    10 years ago

    The voice of someone that has never been in love and willing to give all of themselves to another, it seems.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I am in love. But agreeing to do something you find completely gross and possibly psychologically scarring isn't "giving all of yourself to another". Besides, there are a thousand more significant ways to do that in a relationship and I honestly don't understand what sex has to do with love.

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  • GoraIntoDesiGals
    10 years ago

    This is the zillionth "I'm asexual" post. Why was this approved?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Because after reading a lot about asexuality, I'm probably NOT asexual.

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