Is it normal that i hate my mom?

Hello,

I hate my mother, but at the same time I hate myself. Because of her I hate myself in every possible way. She has made me believe that I am The worst daughter ever. We fight a lot and I admit that I am not innocent, but she has caused my rebellion. She always criticizes me for everything. She doesn't like the way I put my makeup and makes me feel ugly. She almost never compliments me and when she does it is only half hearted. I am a straight A student, I never miss class, and I am very hardworking. I don't drink, do drugs, have a boyfriend etc. I don't come home late and I follow my parents' rules and always tell them where I am. The only times I get ugly is when we fight. I am a very sensitive and emotional person. When we fight I sort of lose control and start saying really bad things like "bitch", "fuck you" and "I hate you". She lets me know that I am a monster, that I am not her daughter, because the one she loved and raised is gone. She tells me that she is the only one who knows the REAL me and that my grandparents would never look me in the eyes again if they ever found out how i really am. She tells me I am alone. when I come home from school and try to chat with her, she never even looks at me or gives me any attention whatsoever. I feel so useless, like I am so unimportant. When I am out amongst other people, I am afraid to speak because I fear that they will reject me just like my mother. My mom is such a narcissist. She believes she is so fucking perfect and makes NO mistakes. She is always the victim and everything that has happened to her is not her fault.

I remember when my mom was going through a lot of emotional breakdowns when I was little(for once, I wasn't the problem)I always sat with her and comforted her. I told her everything was gonna be okay. Once when I was four my mom was really sad and I came with a glass of water and hugged her so she would stop worrying. Her and my dad used to fight A LOT, and after the fights I sat there listening to her bitching about him even though it hurt, and I still comforted her(I was 9 when this started).Emotionally I went through a lot more than I should as a little child and that has maked me very mature in some way. I was always sad and my mom told me that I was never allowed to tell anyone how my life at home was. So basically I lived a double life. I was putting on a happy face at school and when I got home I would cry. Because of our home situation I never really wanted to bring home class mates so I never had many friends. I also got bullied, I am very soft and people always take advantage of me. This has contributed to my low self-esteem. Though, I believe my mom was the one to cause it. She always talks about me as a baby, about how great I was, about how I never could talk back to her. I admit that I can be a pain in the ass, I can be very disrespectful and that makes me feel awful. I usually think that something is wrong with me and that I will always be alone because no one will ever like someone who is a horrible daughter..
The only reason I haven't killed myself is that I am religious and because I think that my mom would get a depression. I think I am gonna go to hell.
I Feel like the only reason she loves me is because I am her daugther and because of how I used to be. I feel like if we weren't related she would despise me. I also feel like I am a dissapointment to God, like he had a plan for who I am supposed to be and I just fucked that up.
I hate going to church because everyone thinks I am this very good girl who is so respectful to her mom but in reality I am horrible. I feel like I am broken or something.
I can also get violent and push my mom(not hard)when she reaches to take my earplugs out when I don't want to hear her nasty words towards me. I just can't control myself when I am with her, she is SO mean and has literally distroyed my selfesteem. In church she acts so innocent but as soon as we get home she gets mean. Also it is like she is 2 different persons. She can occasionally be very nice and tell me she loves me but the next second she can be this cruel person who tells me to never speak to her again. She almost never compliments me and even though I might be horrible she has still taken me for granted. She only talks about how I was before but doesn't appreciate the good things in me now.

I really hate myself and I hate my mother for being such a bitch to me. Perhaps I am the one who is wrong, perhaps my mom is right about everything she has said about me.

What happened to me? why am I not the same as I used to be?

We fight a lot, some are very serious others not so much. I have big temper sometimes and can get angry or disrespectful over little things. Sometimes it is my fault and do have attitude sometimes.

I have tried to talk to her about this for more times than I can count, it doesn't even help the slightest, she won't even listen. I tell her that I am sorry for being such a horrible daughter, but she never gives me hope that perhaps I can change. I have reached a point where I can't control my emotions and what comes out of my mouth.

I am just exhausted and I just wish that I was never born. I feel like I am being emotionally abused and maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe i am the one abusing my mother. Please tell me. Please help me. I am 18 years old and an only child.
Am I horrible? Is it normal that I hate my mother?

Thank you for reading this, kisses