Is it normal that i feel very mentally ill?
Even if over the internet on a site like this, I need someone to tell me something. Anything. Anything that could possibly give me insight into what is wrong. Sometimes I wonder if anything truly is wrong. I don't know, but I'm going to give you some pieces of my life and as far as all hell that I know. I know this is tedious to read, but I need to put this on something nearly tangible in hope that maybe someone can relate. I'm an 18 year old female. I've had problems with depression and when I was 13, I took Paxil for it and spent 3 weeks in a mental ward. I didn't stay there constantly, however I was there during what my school hours would have been. Throughout my life, I've been confronted with a bleak outlook on life that I've just dealt with. The meds helped, or it may have been marijuana. I couldn't tell, because I had started smoking at the same time I started taking meds. Smoking made me so happy and every day I would come home looking forward to it. One day, I was very high and had a panic attack. I was never the same, constantly feeling dissociated. A couple years after this panic attack (I had stopped smoking, but did so sometimes in hope that maybe it would feel the same again) I smoked too much. I blacked out and forgot where I was and my vision toppled. Ever since that night, I've had blackouts that I've grown accustomed to and dealt with. I assume it's transient global amnesia after looking into it. I had a boyfriend of 3 years that I was absolutely in love with. He broke up with me in July of last year. It was a terrible time in my life where I became more dissociated than ever and began drinking a lot. I still dream about him, but I do love the new person I'm with now that I've been with for 7 months. A month ago, I had a surgical abortion. I'm an atheist, and didn't think it would affect me much, but things aren't always what they seem. It seems I can't feel anymore or talk to people. Life is so distant to me. It's as if I skipped several years in time and woke up in a totally unfamiliar place. Every morning, I wake up with a broken heart. About what? I don't know. I have trouble sleeping at night quite often due to a fear that something is watching me. I fear that I'm going to roll over in my bed and faces will be staring at me from the other side of it. I feel like my whole life I've been followed and watched by something. I think about death often and write about my observations of life. Two old friends of mine killed themselves in the past 3 months. It makes me feel like death is too common and I've grown to take it lightly. I feel as though life is just a clock, and what's the point of waiting? The others are beating me in the race of life as it is. Forgive me for going on, but I'm hopeless at this point. I feel I've lost my mind, and no one will listen or help, which I guess I can't blame them for not wanting to waste their time on.