Is it normal that i feel i deserved to be punished?

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6 Comments

I'm wondering if it's normal to feel like I deserve to be punished. I'm not sure if it's related, but I have been emotionally and physically abused before (Emotionally abused for the longest). From a young age I would get upset, then self-hatred would set in, then I would feel the need to be punished so I would self-harm (cutting, punching myself, etc.), but it never felt enough. I've always felt someone else was supposed to hurt me. This only happens when I start feeling worthless. I've been on medication for depression and anxiety and diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. I'm not sure if that's important either. I'm older now, 21, and the feeling has only increased. It is as if I'm built up with an unpleasant feeling I don't quite understand and can't feel relief unless I'm punished or beaten for being so stupid and worthless. It eats away at me until I break down. It's lead to full blown panic attacks before. Is this normal, or is something wrong with me? I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone I know about it.

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50% Normal
Based on 46 votes (23 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • FeralDefiance
    7 years ago

    It's not normal, per se, but it's completely in line with a history of depression, anxiety, and past abuse. If you haven't, it may be worth it to talk to a head shrinker, if you really have no one at all to open up to. Some of them suck, some are amazing. Their main purpose is to help you think everything through & map out the entire problem to better navigate the emotion weirdness that comes with all those things. The most important thing to recognize, though, is that what you're going through is a mind trick. You don't deserve punishment; it's a misfire of mental stimulus and flawed habits of thinking.

    It's not something to be ashamed of. It's something to slowly figure out and rewire. I have a long, long history of depression and, for a long time, self-punishment (some cutting, a lot of biting). No physical abuse in my history, but mountains of emotional abuse. I can't emphasize enough the value of having someone to talk to. I never got much use out of shrinks, but I've had a few family/friends with whom I can be completely open. Could you have anyone you can talk to and just not know it?

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    • AliceWonderland
      7 years ago

      I don't have any friends. I do have boyfriend, but I just wouldn't know how to talk to him about it. I suppose I can try, but I'm worried he won't understand. I don't think I even understand. I would never want him to hurt me, but I feel almost confused that he doesn't even at his angriest. I've never had a man in my life that didn't hurt me or at least continuously threaten to. That should make me feel happy and safe, but instead it makes me uneasy. I feel stupid for feeling that way. Almost disgusted with myself for feeling like he is supposed to. I feel like when I'm feeling like I'm a bad person and hate myself that he automatically feels that way about me too and will punish me, but he doesn't. I'm completely aware that it's irrational, but I don't know why I can't stop thinking that way. It overwhelms me.
      Thank you for responding and trying to help. I really appreciate it.

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  • AlyssiaVeronica
    7 years ago

    i can relate to almost all of this. i suffer with anxiety and depression and i feel useless and that the world would be better off without me. i know it's not true but it's just the voice in my head that i can't shake off. i know that your situation is as you said really hard to talk about because you feel like everyones just judging you and they don't actually care but if you just get over that and tell someone despite how hard it is, you'll never regret it and things will get much easier.

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  • Ellenna
    7 years ago

    You don't have to talk to anyone you know until you're ready, but you have nothing to feel ashamed about: it's the abusers who should feel shame, not you.

    Please at least call an anonymous crisis line and get a referral to an appropriate counsellor: this isn't going to go away by itself and the longer you put it off the harder it's going to be to do anything about it.

    I wish you well

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  • laura80
    6 years ago

    I love to be punished by my husband or stepdaddy

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  • Doggysue
    7 years ago

    Your in a deep dark place. Sorry but I have been there done that but you can survive and get on with life. I feel for you but not in a bad way. Smile be happy and things do change. Write to me if you want. No pressure.

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