Is it normal that i fantasize about seducing then murdering my rapist?

He was my boyfriend, and he raped me. I had alcohol poisoning. He wasn’t even close to being wasted. I blacked out and the next morning I woke up naked covered in my own vomit. He told me “we tried anal”. He knows I never agreed to that. It had slipped in before and it hurt me badly, it made me cry. He KNEW I’d never consent to that EVER, sober or not. Yet he took advantage of me. I was unconcious, I have no memory of it. He said I was choking on my vomit and that’s when he stopped. He was never really sincerely sorry over it, instead he’d turn it around on me and yell at me and because of this I could never find closure. Yet he claims he still “loves” me. If I wanted to, I could seduce him, make him think I still love him, when really, I can’t even stand to hear him laugh. Smile. I can’t even look at him without having this strong urge to harm him. I fantasize about murdering him and imagine scenarios. Like going to his house, letting his family know what he did, and just shooting him in the face. Or have him come over, seduce him, be on top of him, kiss him and then just stab him or strangle him to death. I’ve never had homicidal thoughts until this happened, but I have been assaulted before. I think this just really scarred me because the other time, it was someone I didn’t know. But this time, it was someone who I loved. It’s hard for me to move on. I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know how to stop myself from thinking about it, it’s been eating at me. I need help.