Is it normal that i don't think having a baby should influence what...

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15 Comments

I think about my gf? I have asked myself why whenever anyone asks about what she does to help out with the 2 year old and I say nothing they say I should break up with her. Sure it is stressful on me to only get about 2 hours of me time a day and sometimes its just one hour but I have been told to break up because she doesn't help. Is it normal for me to believe that I love this woman and to not confuse my frustrations for having a child I wasn't planning on,nor was she since doctors told her she couldn't have one? I mean I hear stuff like she's just using since she doesn't work doesn't clean just goes out with her family and is only at home for about 2 hours and goes to bed. I don't think I am naive just saying that I loved her before the baby and I will not let having a baby wreck my relationship because he came along. Am I wrong to blame the child over my girlfriend? I will add though that even though I acknowledge my child has sucked the life out of my life which was spent happily being selfish to the utmost I still take care of him and plan on being a good father.

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42% Normal
Based on 12 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 15 )
  • charli.m
    8 years ago

    Does she have post natal depression?

    Also, the bit about "blaming" your child over your gf is concerning. The child had no say in this. He's just a toddler.

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    • Angelandme
      8 years ago

      I could say I blame myself or my gf or him it doesn't matter. The fact that he's there sucks my time away. I may have a negative view about my situation but I obviously get shit done. 6 hours I babysit him and go to work. I won't do it with a smile but I'll do it. As I said neither of us wanted kids and were told by a doctor that she would be unable tohave kids. People always want to put good parents on a pedastel and that's fine but I'd say it's a lot harder to do what I do than someone who genuinely is happy about their child. Still I'm not posting my question to ask where the blame is or be told where it is that I wanted to know if our relationship seems normal. Me and gf

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      • charli.m
        8 years ago

        Yeah, well my major concern is the welfare of the child.

        Has your gf been checked for post natal depression?

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        • Angelandme
          8 years ago

          The child is great. My gf is on antidepressants. The reason why is unknown to me. She is from a broken family though and she has told me it makes her sad that her mother is a drink suicidal drinking rubbing alcohol if liqour isn't available and that her father left them and that mostly all her 11 siblings got taken away by cps.
          Again I'd like to say the child is fine. I don't know why my views of him should affect his care. I'm not negligent.

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          • charli.m
            8 years ago

            I can only go from what info you give, and its sketchy and badly communicated. Going on that, it sounds like he has a negligent mother (and I was trying to determine the cause - looks like depression and history are the reason. She should be getting actual treatment, by the way. This is obviously an ongoing issue and anti deps are clearly not helping. She should be receiving counselling while taking them, and may need a review of her dosage or type of anti deps) and a resentful father. That's not good for any of you, but particularly not the child.

            I'm not saying this as an attack on you, I'm merely assessing the situation as best I can, given the info you gave. I'm not saying either of you are bad parents. It's obviously a difficult situation. It's good you have the support of your family, but that is only enough to keep things barely functioning.

            It's clear you're not coping, either. It would be good to look into counselling for yourself, or as a couple. This sort of environment will fuck the kid up. You may have all good intentions, but it is an unhealthy environment.

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            • Angelandme
              8 years ago

              I take him to the park often and we play with his toys together. I chase him around our kitchen table help with his baths, I'm doing more than half of the diaper changes and cooking for him. He's a happy kid. It's not like he will ever know I resent the situation I'm in the way you put it he knows I dislike him but he doesn't and is a happy kid. I'm such a bad father right? I'll never be as good as those deadbeat dads who say they love their kids but don't do half the shit I do for him. So again I will say that although I may resent the situation I'm in I am still being a responsible father. My gf is old enough to know when she needs meda or go to the doctor its not like I'm standing in her way. She never wanted a child and in the end got one. How devastated would your life be if it were the opposite for you? So I take care of him.Am iI enabling her to shirk her duties? Possibly but we'll be out of this house soon so I'm trying to save her a few months of carefree time all to herself. If you think I need to get help and be fixed idk what it is about what I justsaid you don't approve of about me?

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  • thegypsysailor
    8 years ago

    Doesn't sound like your gf has any desire to be a part of the team. A relationship works much better when you both work as a team, helping each other out.
    I wouldn't even date a woman with kids when I was younger because I wasn't interested in getting involved with her kids. Up front and honest.
    I really wonder what you see in her? I also wonder if she dislikes the child because it means you were with a man, at some point?

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    • Angelandme
      8 years ago

      I am a man. I am no gay or bi. Anyway I always think that no matter what relationship you're in someone always does a little more than the other right? Is it bad if you do more for them because you love them than they for you?

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      • thegypsysailor
        8 years ago

        Wow, I read and reread your post trying to figure out how you had an unexpected child while you were with this gf and came up with you as a gay woman, sorry.

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  • Angelandme
    8 years ago

    She doesn't have a job, she doesn't work. We didn't want kids but It's her child, she and I made him even though the doctors had told her that she couldn't have any. See and a lot of people tell me to break up with her but I loved her before the child was born and now that he's born and is stressing me out I should let that change my opinion about my girlfriend?

    Just to clarify I believe as long as love is mutual what one does for another doesn't have to be done back, the give an take thing shouldn't be expected at all. It is welcomed but shouldn't be expected at all, which is what people do, they expect it to be given out of kindness too which is somewhat of a reacharound of saying they expect it but it just sounds nicer.
    I love her. BUT just curious as if I'm sounding naive.
    and no I can go without sex for years...

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    • [Old Memory]
      8 years ago

      Are you the OP? Probs best to post as anonymous if so, that way people can tell you're OP.

      Ok, now that's a bit fooked. It sounds like she's taking you for a ride.

      She doesn't work, she doesn't help with a child that's hers and yours, she's making you do all the work. That's just fucked, man.

      I think you're being taken advantage of. I think you've not understood the importance of support in a relationship. It's easy to say you love someone, it's cheap and easy. You have to show you love someone and it sounds like you love her but it doesn't sound like she loves you. I'm sorry but that's just how it comes across.

      You said she goes out with her family all the time? Are you sure about that? Is it really her family she is going out to see? Are you sure that it's not, perhaps, another man?

      The reason why her support is supposed to be expected is because she should want to support you. Look at it this way. Take away the words. Your vocal interactions with her. Ignore it. Look at what she does for and with you without any words...Does it look like she loves you without her saying so? If no, then that's the problem.

      Personally, and you might not like this but I feel sad for you, but you sound very gullible. She's stuck you with all this responsibility, she clearly doesn't love you as much as you do her, and I have a very strong vibe that she's cheating on you when she', "going out with her family."

      Leave her. She doesn't love you. Leave her, take her for child support, and that way you have more support.

      You matter. She doesn't seem to think so but you matter.

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      • Angelandme
        8 years ago

        Well I feel I should add that we live in my parents home and that since someone is always out there in the living room where the 2 year old spends most of the time that she doesn't have to wake up(she goes to bed at 5 in the morning) to take care of him. Normally this is true and it is just me taking care of the kid until I have to go to work and when I leave my mother takes care of him because my girlfriend goes out with her family. Her family is very religious and if anything strange was going on they'd be the first to tell me. Anyway...she doesn't do much for me probably because I get stuff done for myself and I don't complain about it because I love cooking and I don't mind washing my clothes, I won't clean her mess though, she cleans maybe once every 2 weeks and by clean I mean shoves things under the bed or into the closet and shuts the drapes. Are you sure that people have to do things for another to show love? I have always preferred to link love with the person and not to love someone for what benefits you could get out of them. ie. Money, being a house cleaner, cook but just because they are a person who you strongly like. I guess what I see in her is a loyal companion in the way that she seems to walk strait. I can see it in her smile when she smiles at me a dorky smile that so unrestrained it makes her look funny but she don't care. She and I were solitary people before we met and we are sort of solitary together now. We like our space and we do share time together watching movies. She challenges my mind because she has such strong footing in her beliefs where my beliefs fluctuate constantly trying to find my footing. She's shy and not promiscuous she's artistic and never gets mad, we never fight. We will argue like I said about things like whether humans have a blindspot in their eyes or what sort of things could exist inbetween the 13 frames a second the eye can see but those are not heated. We are both calm and we both hate crowds. Do I seem less naive in this love now?

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  • [Old Memory]
    8 years ago

    Well you had a child so you have those responsibilities but at the same time I don't know what to think about your partner. If she does nothing and you do all the work, including cleaning and so on, then I would of thought she'd of helped you out with the kid, maybe not for the kid but for you atleast.

    Does she work? If so then I can see why she may not help out with other things a much.

    Overall it looks like you're not only taking responsibility for your child, like you should, but for the relationship aswell, which should be about helping eachother out, which she really doesn't seem to be doing.

    I was thinking that maybe her not being involved with your child is understandable if she can't have kids. Maybe it's a painful reminder to her if she's with your kid. That said, if that's why she's not helping with the kid then why is she not helping with the other things such as cleaning? If she lives with you then that's partially her responsibility.

    My opinion? Well, if I was in the same situation as you and what I've said so far is accurate then I would break it off with her. It just doesn't sound like she's got your back like couples should in a relationship and if she's not helping support you then what is the point? If it's the sex then that's pretty sad but that's just my opinion.

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