Is it normal that i am a 22 year old male virgin?

4 Comments

I am a male, 22 years of age. I have never been on a single date with anyome, I've never romanced a girl, and i have of course never had sex. I don't have any bodily deformities. I am not fat. I have long naturally auburn hair that i get a lot of postive comments on from young and old people of any gender, but mostly women. My sister has in the past told me that some girls have had a crush on me, and i was even told of some specific girls that have had a crush on me, to my surprise, as my personal view of myself is that i look pretty average. I have alot of detailed book knowledge on certain subjects of interest. My virginity is not due to mental or physical Deficiencies, deformities, quirks or the like.

Many of you may suspect that i am socially aloof in some way or another. I can converse with people quite well, until people find out how boring i actually am. In that sense i have trouble finding the right people to connect with. but when it comes to girls, or anyone of dating interest, Its always been very difficult for myself to approach girls in general. I always get exstensively nervous, and go into a fear of embarrassing myself, if i even think about approaching a girl, especially on the likelihood of being rejected. I know where this fear of being rejected comes from as well. When i was in elementary school, my peers and classmates decided to universally bully me, not physically, but in far more emotionally damaging ways, such as being socially ostracized from everyone else, or being referred to by derogatory names by everyone i knew. Nobody liked me. I never threatened anyone or even bullied anyone back, i was simply soft spoken, and was the kid who could read the text book fast. My only friend was the computer, which i would spend hours on to try to forget the distress that my peers put me through. I was very sad when i thought to myself how i have no friends, and eveyone else did, and i could do nothing about it. At night in my bed, i would secretly cry to myself with these thoughts in my mind. I would always be very nervous about going to school the next day. This type of bullying continued on up to the middle of 6th grade.

During the 5th and 6th grade, it got even worse. It wasn't merely name-calling and social ostracization at this point. Kids would try to pin their wrong-doings on me, and even create fake evidence for it. One notable example was when kids were throwing paper balls around, and the shit teacher of the time actually believed that 'I' of all people would be throwing paper balls and gave me something called a pink slip as a mark on my record, until i finally explained what really happened. My belongings were constantly messed with, including my backpack contents being dumped inside a science lab sink. I could not stand it, and after a panic attack in school during class, i finally left public school, for a time. During those early years, i never had anyone who i could call a childhood friend.

I moved away to another state before i went back to public school, this time in california. I thought i could start fresh, but the damage had already been done. I was still soft spoken, But I did not know how to talk to people without being very awkward with it, and i especially could not date people either. I never really could make any friends, except a few, who i have since lost most contact with. In my highschool, there were people who had these strong bonds with each other, which did not just make my envious, but extremely depressed. Why couldn't i develop such excellent friendships with such strong bonds? Probably because people thought to not associate with me, And there was nobody who i could be awkward together with, and thus difficult for me to find someone who i could connect with. Now, since highschool has long ended, and nothing has really changed in college, All i have is this ancient defense mechanism of being in constant fear of being rejected by people. It's not that i do not desire to be with people, it is a strong desire that i yearn for, but my age-old traumas prevent it from being so. I tend to only like being around people who i am certain will like me. Do not mistake this for social anxiety, The surface level symptoms might appear somewhat similar, but the emotional symptoms and motivations are very different. I have come to learn i have something called 'Avoidant Personality Disorder'.

I've made my story out to be way more complex than most, but it gives a lot of backtory to go off of. Please leave a comment to give a more detailed response if you desire. Thank you for your responses.

Not Normal but acceptable 3
Not Normal and unacceptable/wrong 1
Perfectly Normal 24
Mostly Normal 5
Somewhat Normal 3
Grey area between normal and unnormal 2
Normal but shocking 6
Shocking and unnormal 2
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Comments ( 4 )
  • Shiny_Down
    7 years ago

    To answer your title: I'm almost 22 and I just lost my virginity yesterday.

    To address the rest of the post:
    Have you ever had an internet presence/community to tie yourself into? I was really awkward for a long time, but I found a community of people on Runescape and Warriors role-playing forums in 7th-9th grade, and that helped me hone my communication skills and figure out what I offered to people/situations. Find something that you're passionate about or interested in, and see if you can find a community (online or otherwise) to engage you.

    Be proactive. Initiate conversation with people even if you think/know that it will be awkward and you'll make a fool of yourself. You can't become less awkward unless you know what makes you awkward. And the chances are that the people you're interacting with don't think you're unbearably boring or awkward. If someone does, there's always another opportunity or person. You'll eventually find someone you connect with who cares about you, and you'll develop a friendship, maybe even a romantic relationship.

    Most importantly, be patient with yourself. You're human, and you will fail and be stupid sometimes. You will accidentally ruin potential friendships, sometimes without even knowing it or knowing why. Your "boringness" will scare some people off, probably more if you keep convincing yourself that you ARE boring. Know yourself and be confident in it; that's sexy, and makes it possible for you to actually engage with people.

    That was kinda rambl-y sorry. Hopefully something I said strikes a chord and/or is useful to you! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.

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  • Short4Words
    7 years ago

    Normal is not a sufficient measurement in this case.

    What you went through would fuck with anybody. Not normal as this is not the normality, but normal because it is normality for some, like me for example. I've had similar experiences and outcomes.

    My only current advice is try giving less of a fuck. It doesn't matter what other people think. Only what you think. And as much as that is cliched, you have continue to drive that social programming bullshit out of you that told you,you weren't/aren't good enough because people rejected you. And I know how hard that is because if you're like me it must feel at your very core.

    Beyond treating what may be APD maybe you should try to get out more and meet more like minded people with similar interests. I've been putting things like this off but as of late I continue to grow distant from most of my friends and I think it's time to make some new ones.

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  • Hey'sForHorses00
    7 years ago

    When I was in preschool and elementary school, I was bullied all the time too. Honestly, children can be very cruel.
    It was always the girls who made fun of my shapeless body. But now that I'm 17, the girls that made fun of me are jealous of my looks.
    Growing up, I had a lot of the symptoms of your disorder. I know what it feels like to be shy and afraid that people may not like you. May it be for the way you look, the way you act, or for no reason at all. I'm sure that you're an amazing person and one day, you'll overcome these obstacles. When I was younger, my father used to always keep me in my room. I was never allowed to socialize with anyone unless I was at school. And the kids there were bullies so I was fresh out of luck.
    Even today, I dread going to school. I'd find excuses not to go just because I was uncomfortable with the idea of being surrounded by people there. I just hope one day I'll be confidant enough to be with a large amount of people (by "large" I mean at least 12 XD).
    As for being 22 and a virgin, you have nothing to worry about. You're still a young guy. You seem like a great one too, so maybe you won't be a virgin for long~
    I wish you the best <3

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  • matthewkoehler
    7 years ago

    Look, I mean lots of people when they were children did suffer from peer pressure and bullying, but I think an important part of growing up and being an adult is realizing that no one in the real world is it to get you in particular, and that being paranoid about imagining yourself as an imaginary target can only hold you back. People are so caught up in their own lives that they barely notice what's going on around them. I don't have much of a social life either, yes regrettably, but society is so selfish that I certainly appreciate all the time I get to devote to myself and my own interests. I keep myself open to new possibilities, experiences, ideas, and I try to absorb as much as I can about everything. And I am confident that although today might not my shining moment, that day will someday come, and it will all be worth it in the end. Keep your head high and be optimistic.

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