Is it normal that he's treating me this way?

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21 Comments

Okay, so before I go ahead and submit this story I should add that it most probably IS normal...I just really need some guidance from more experienced individuals on how to move forward. And I can't talk to anybody about it in full frankness, because people who know me also know what I'm most likely to want to hear. I feel the online community will be much franker.

I'm 24, and unbeknownst to all, a virgin who has had plenty of interest from men, but who has never had a relationship. Yep, I know some of you will think "Oh my God how tragic", but for the longest time I've been genuinely happy being asexual and single. To begin with I stayed untouched from lack of opportunity, but as I grew older I realized I was choosing to remain a virgin for deeper reasons (but by the way, I'm agnostic! Really can't stress that enough! I'm also a Feminist, but there y'go).

I've just started my BA degree, and I met this guy. 27, extremely talented, very handsome-we hit it off right away, and because we've both suffered a lot in life, we've spoken quite personally with each other. We also have a lot in common. We've both gravitated towards each other because we're the outcasts of our social circle, I guess. Not long after we bonded he started pulling all these forward moves on me, telling me he fancied me, that he was so glad to have met me, that he was falling for me. I trusted these words. Knowing him as I do, I have no reason to believe otherwise. It was okay when he eventually told me, after ONE date that ended in a semi-erotic way, that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I've heard how this works with guys, and I respected it, so we didn't speak for weeks. Literally. I did the right thing and played it icy-cool, got on with my assignments and enjoyed my life.

It's only very recently that we've started talking again, and it's hot like it was at the beginning. We're either play-fighting, sneaking off to smoke, discussing culture (which we don't do with anyone else), or we're having fierce arguments. He keeps being really rude to me in front of everyone. It's VERY bi-polar. Literally, one minute it'll be "Do you want a smoke? Have you read this book? Oh, I'm listening to this awesome song at the moment, ECT"...and then it's "I'm pissed off! Just let me be pissed off!!"

I'm pretty sure after 24 years of preserving my chastity for the sake of my principles and rejecting numerous sexual advances from men, as well as dealing with emotional/psychological damage I won't detail here, I'm well equipped to deal with this guy's childlike behaviour. But what is going on with him? We're supposed to be friends, but I'm being made to feel like ANYTHING I would do with, for or to any other friend of mine is crossing a line...I bought him a birthday present, and I feel like if I take him out for a drink and give it to him, he's going to get freaked out and interpret this as me being a wannabe-girlfriend.

What shall I do please? We're on the same course, so we can't avoid each other. We're together almost every day. We need to work something out.

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42% Normal
Based on 53 votes (22 yes)
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Comments ( 21 )
  • youareaghost
    10 years ago | pl

    Um. Don't have sex with him. It's clear you feel it wouldn't be right, so...trust your instincts. You are right.

    What he's doing is really common for someone who is just generally confused (I couldn't tell you why). If he's confusing you, you can trust that he is confused.

    What he did was rush through emotional intimacy to get to the good stuff, and then withdrew. You didn't give a time frame, so if this happened in a short amount of time, you can assume it's true. Both men and women do this, usually when they either can't (because they are confused) or don't want to (are cunning) make a real connection. They will either conscientiously or unconsciously pull these kinds of tactics.

    Don't trust when people say what they want. Watch them prove it (he didn't). Trust people when they say what they don't want, because that's only the tip of the iceberg of things they won't say.

    Forget this dude. He's a waste of time and your energy.

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    • SHAKEStheClown
      10 years ago

      He sounds like a loser with lots of issues, the kind of person who comes from a messed up family.

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  • 6meyou9
    10 years ago

    He has manevolent intentions, or has terrible game. HE should just be real with you instead of playing games, or not!

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  • DragonQueen
    10 years ago

    U sound like a nutcase! Please go get laid already . U gonna get blue balls or blue pussy! Go find a man! And stop acting like a ridiculous prude!

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    • SkullsNRoses
      10 years ago

      You sound like the child of Cru3ade and DiamondGirl.

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      • DragonQueen
        10 years ago

        I am the Child of the Royal Courts. You Peasant Filth!

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  • SHAKEStheClown
    10 years ago

    He's damaged merchandise. Be a smart girl and don't waste your time on him. If you sleep with him and he breaks your heart you'll only have yourself to blame because you already know he's messed up. You said yourself that this guy acts bipolar.

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  • cuppycake1228
    10 years ago

    Trust your gut instinct, girl. If you have to ask the question in the first place, you know he isn't treating you right. Move on before you do something you'll regret. You've got a lot going for you; don't let this douchelord ruin your plans.

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  • PsycheSlang
    10 years ago

    Youareaghost, your comment's truly helpful. Thank you! :)

    I've already had to acknowledge that, no matter how much I like him, I will never know the truth. He simply is not prepared to discuss what's happened between us, despite the fact that I've offered him the opportunity. It is obvious that he's confused, damaged, has baggage-and all that's pissing him off, and the only way he can deal with it is to act like nothing's going on...

    He's TRAGIC, man. But I still want to be his FRIEND. Of course, he won't let me get close because the closer I get the more frightened he becomes...

    That's just the thing, he's never actually detailed what he wants and what he doesn't want. He simply will not discuss it. What does this mean?

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    • youareaghost
      10 years ago

      Thanks, I appreciate it.

      Don't get caught up in a psycho drama. It's not as complex as you think it is (emotional investment). Only time will tender the meaning of the bare facts.

      It means that you chasing someone who is unavailable. Why are you doing that? Face it. You are attracted to him, and it's not just because he tells funny jokes or is good looking. Why do you want to help him? He's almost a fully grown man. He will either float, sink or swim. Most people float. They float until they die. I'm not going into great detail, but you get my point, right? Haven't you ever hear an elder say or do something that was negative in nature (ridicule a child, curse at strangers, foul business practices, etc)? They've been doing those things since they were young men and women. They don't know why or when it all started. They never truly questioned or considered stopping their destructive behaviors. Don't you think people tried?

      My point is detach from him. It's not your job to save him from his fate. My point is, if this drama continues, it's because you allow it into your life.

      My point is, this isn't about him. This is about you. I'm sorry you had this experience. It happens to the best and the worst of us. We all want and need love. He used you. He is no friend. You be your own friend first. A true friend would recognize a non-friend (after the fact; you couldn't prevent this), tell you about it, and take measures to protect you.

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      • PsycheSlang
        10 years ago

        I have to agree. Obviously I don't want to, but I agree. However, I wouldn't say he 'used' me. Simply because he hasn't gained ANYTHING from knowing me, or being attracted to me. We didn't sleep together, he didn't get anything sexually gratifying from me (when I described our one night together as being 'semi-erotic', what I mean is he came down on me, but I didn't come..I don't think he was that good...)

        He remains vulnerable, low in self-esteem and the way he behaves towards me now would suggest a sense of guilt too. Probably humiliation.

        But I do agree that he has not been a friend to me. It's my fault for believing too strongly in connection and love, that I don't exactly aspire to SAVE him from his fate, but I want to be his friend. I feel very sorry for him, and I don't believe for a second that he's a malignant or malevolent person. I think he needs a genuine friend. In case that sounds pathetically naive of me, I have no intention of falling for him again. And believe you me I MEAN that.

        So I shouldn't give him a birthday present then? Lol.

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        • youareaghost
          10 years ago

          Oh. If your experience was awkward, then I can see why he would pretend like it didn't happen, or whatever. But, what about the build up, prior to, and the let down afterwards?

          He has gained something if you're thinking, worrying, confused, and/or feel sorry for him. That's what manipulation is. He has your attention. It's your energy expenditure. If you aren't spending it positively, why do you want to keep spending it?

          You are thinking too hard. You are thinking from your own emotional perspective (we women do that). I can guarantee you, he doesn't perceive himself the way you perceive him. You view him like he's some weak, emotionally stunted, needy creature. Haha, no. He's a man. Men are more simple than women. They are either "there", or not. Don't try to speculate why a behavior is happening. They don't understand us. We don't understand them.

          I don't think your naive. I think your judging the situation from your own perceptive, which has no vantage. You think he's vulnerable, has low self-esteem, guilty and humiliated. Why are you perceiving him this way? Try this, when you find yourself judging him, replace his name with "I". Repeat what ever judgement you had from first person; does it resonate with you? Do YOU really feel those things?

          Friendships don't start this way. Friendships aren't based on pity. You maybe setting yourself up for codependency. He doesn't need you. You need you. You're turning your back on yourself if you submit to this.

          Absolutely do not reward him. Waste of time. Waste of money. Get yourself a gift.

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          • PsycheSlang
            10 years ago

            Thank you! I'm definitely not giving him the present now. What you've wrote is true guidance. Once again, thank you.

            I'm left feeling extremely uncertain of how to make my peace with him. This is something that NEEDS to happen. It's extremely important that we are friends, because we are together in a small ensemble, working in a professional theatre. The nature of our work is intimate, and cannot be impaired by emotional conflict.

            This is what I don't understand.
            He was having an apparently deep relationship with a girl on the course, who graduated the year I arrived. I know nothing about how it ended between them, but they split up. He has a son with her, and I have heard they were going to get married. My guess is that SHE left HIM.
            He KNEW when we first met that we were going to be working together for a year. How could he be so reckless and selfish? I'm really struggling to understand that.

            I have been very strong in all this, but I am wounded in my heart. I feel I need to tell him how I feel so I can move on properly, especially in view of the fact that we've started talking again 9after such a long time of ignoring each other). Sometimes he's so rude to me, and I have sat there keeping my cool, refusing to give him a reaction. But what I really want to do is turn to him and say "Who the fuck are you to be rude to me you ass hole? You know what you've done, now be a man and deal with it!!"

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            • DragonQueen
              10 years ago

              He doesn't want your idiotic present. He want's your flat boyish ass! You barbaric fool!

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            • youareaghost
              10 years ago

              I know that feel, bro.

              Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.

              Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.

              Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.

              This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.

              I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.

              I guarantee that when you become less emotionally invested (less confused) you'll want to puke because of the all time wasted on this. That's a joke. Accept what's come to be because it's another story in your life that will shape and mold, so that you can *level up*.

              Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.

              You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.

              Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.

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            • youareaghost
              10 years ago

              I know that feel, bro.

              Believe it or not, he isn't rejecting you. What people seemingly "do" to you has nothing to do with you. It's just who they are being. On the flip side, what you feel has nothing to do with what's happening "to" you. It's just how you feel about **the way** you perceive things that are happening. Do you ever notice how the things that you don't care about effect you? They don't effect you. He isn't rejecting you. It's not personal. He is just being who he is, and who he is (for whatever reason) hurts you.

              Anyway, don't try to understand. It's okay to not understand. You will never, ever, ever, truly understand anyone but yourself, because you'll never live in their body. You won't see life through their experiences. Many of us don't even understand ourselves...most of us don't. haha.

              Being confused, hurt, anxious, angry (fucking anger) is okay. Dude. It's okay to feel the way you do. It's okay if you are never friends with him. You can be productive associates without a friendship.

              This is becoming less about him and more about you. [I almost inserted a personal story but it was too long lol]. The moral of my would be anecdote is that: we allow people to treat us the way we treat ourselves and feel we deserve to be treated. You may THINK you don't deserve what *seems to* have happened , but in all honestly, it appears that you're trying to hold on. I don't think you FEEL that you deserve better than him. No one can explore what's going on a deeper level, in you. Only you can. I can preach so much self-help gospel but, it means nothing if it's not truly heard.

              I think you should stop struggling to understand. I think you should listen to yourself. I think you should verbalize (out loud) what you wanted him to give/do/be in your life (attention, protection, listening, laughter, etc). THEN, direct that statement from yourself towards yourself. Hear yourself, and DO THOSE THINGS. I developed this technique recently, trying to get over a crush.

              But...I'm going to get concrete with you.

              Girl. You're currently dodging a bullet. A torpedo, even. He put his cock in something that he couldn't sustain. His son has a mother that makes bad decisions, and a father that is emotionally unavailable (if even physically available). Why are your expectations so high? YOU. ARE. TOO. YOUNG. FOR. BABY. MAMA. DRAMA. He is a little problem in your life. You'll move on from this. His life is riddled with major issues that won't go away. You are not anywhere on his priority list, in light of this new information. I would be thankful not to be on his radar. You think he's giving you shit but...imagine at all the REAL shit he gave his baby mama.

              You. Pat yourself on the back and be grateful and thankful you didn't sign yourself up for eternity with him. It could have been you. It can always be you.

              Oh god. I can't believe how long this is. I don't know. You'll realize soon that this is a non-problem and you have a big life in front of you.

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            • PsycheSlang
              10 years ago

              'Scuse my grammar mistakes!

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    • SHAKEStheClown
      10 years ago

      This guy is not telling you what he does or doesn't want because he doesn't know what he wants. He probably has issues with his parents especially his mother.

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  • DragonQueen
    10 years ago

    He's very Bi polar, LOL What a loser. What a stupid ugly bitch u must be. Chasing after someone who's mentaly ill. And even he doesn't want u. Damn you must be horrible looking. Anyway Uglygirl, I can't find your stupid comment. But no one loves you anyway virgin. Please. My king said u problably look like shit from not eating. I can see why your man rejected you. And I don't want your nasty pic. Ugh I'll vomit. No thanks. The Queen is sickened, disgusting sow.

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