Is it normal that he's embarrassed of me?

6% Normal
16 Comments

My boyfriend says that he's embarrassed to be out with me. He says whenever we go out togethor he's just constantly getting pissed off by the things I do, or what I don't do. He hates bringing me over to his friends' house because I never say anything. He hates it when his family is over because I never say anything. He hates that I never say anything.

I really have no idea WHAT to say. I have always struggled with this terribly. I've been a loner most of my life and I havn't mastered the art of conversation and relationships. He says that's no excuse and that I just need to grow the fuck up. Yes, that's how he puts it. He makes my extreme quietness sound like a travesty and that he is humiliated to be seen with me for it. He says he hates explaining to people, "Oh, she's just quiet. It's okay if she's in the corner not saying anything, don't mind her. She's fine." He also felt it nesescary to tell me that his sister said "She's like a dog. Whenever you say something to her she just looks at you." and that his mom thinks the only thing I'm good for is crossing my arms and waiting for him.

I'm not sure who feels worse; him for having someone who doesn't know how to be social, or me for having someone who's always putting me down for something that I struggle with. He's also recently developed a habit of telling me to "fuck off" and "shut up" when he wants to be alone and I don't take the hint. Usually I don't "take the hint" because he just said something unkind to me and I stick around to defend myself. Go ahead and call me too sensitive, but I usually start crying when he says this and I start yelling at him about how he shouldn't talk to me that way. I practically latch onto it with crocodile teeth and refuse to let go, while he just sits there coldly saying he's "listening" but doesn't give me any indication that he gives a shit. I don't know what to do. All I can say is that I'm so fucking tired.

I don't want to break up with him yet. I just keep thinking about how things were in the beginning and how I wish they could be like that again. I know a lot of his bitterness is my fault. I don't want to get into it too much, but he isn't just an asshole without a cause. Let me just say I'm trying to make things better, but it can't happen overnight. Especially not this queitness problem of mine. It's not just about ceasing to be antisocial, he doesn't understand. It's more like learning another language, it doesn't just happen.

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6% Normal
Based on 31 votes (2 yes)
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Comments ( 16 )
  • NoraBaker
    11 years ago

    I was ready to tell you to get away from that horrible horrible family, when I got to "I don't want to get into it too much, but he isn't just an asshole without a cause."

    Now I'm stuck and don't know what to say to you, sweetheart. I think that's not a relationship destined to work. You should find someone who can respect you and who you are. Not only that, someone who will back you up before his family. I wish you the best.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Thanks for that, and I know I should've added more on that issue. I didn't really feel like getting into it I guess, but I'll add some more.

      Basically we've been living togethor for a while and we've discovered how differently we view and react to things. We have so many different opinions and he wishes I agreed with him on more things. He gets mad that I don't listen, seeming to think it means I don't trust him.

      He's a high stress type who wants stuff done, whereas I'm more laid back, sometimes excessively. I'm currently unemployed and he could use the help, but I just havn't delivered. I've applied at lots of places and left resumes, but I havn't got many call backs. The interviews I have gotten I've flopped on, I think because I was too obviously nervous. Even though I have tried hard, I havn't tried hard enough. I can't just use my shyness as an excuse.

      There's also the house cleaning. Although I do clean, I don't do it fast enough. I tend to wait until the last minute, which drives him insane.

      All in all I can understand why he's upset. He views me someone who doesn't try hard enough, gives up too easy and just doesn't understand how to get by and interact with the world. And he's not wrong. But he also expresses this in a way that really doesn't make anything better, and just makes me feel less confident. Hope that wasn't too lengthy, but I had to add more to that sentence and didn't want to leave too much out.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    See I want to say something nice and tell you that you should just let the relationship go to find someone who will accept you for who you are, but all that stuff is just bullshit people say to sugarcoat the truth. The truth is you can break up with him if you want or dont feel as if the relationship is going somewhere, BUT if you get into another relationship and behave the same way i.e. the quietness, awkward conversation skills the new people you get introduced to, new friends, family, etc...will have the same reaction as this boyfriend's family and friends. Sorry to say it, but that is the truth. People who are social dont understand and ultimately dont accept those other people, especially adults who dont say ANYTHING in social surroundings. No one is saying you have to be the life of the party, but if you dont say ANYTHING people think there is something wrong with you and give you a wide berth. I mean this as constructively as possible but it seems like you kinda behave like a child does. I only speak from experience in this because I dated someone who rarely talked herself and it was not a fun time in social situations as her "social awkwardness" made it embarrassing for me as well.

    I am not saying this relationship is something you need to continue in, what I am saying is that if you want a relationship in general to be satisfying then you need to work on the awkward shyness and being quiet.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      I totally get what you're saying and I agree with you. My main issue is just the way he reacts to this. I don't think he needs to just accept me for who I am if that isn't the kind of person who makes him happy. But I also don't think he should make it sound like I'm just horrible and demand that I change myself as quickly as possible. He makes it sound like it should be so easy, but it's just not.

      I do agree with you though, I need to learn to change if I ever want to be in a comfortable relationship with someone.

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      • [Old Memory]
        11 years ago

        Glad you didnt take it personal, I meant it as advice and not as criticism. I agree that he shouldnt make it sound horrible and demand that you change, BUT if its something that has been ongoing, say 6-8 months or a year, he may be getting sick of it. Trust me only from my experience that someone who is like this in social situations makes it frustrating for others, esp significant others, because the behavior of that person reflects on the significant other, AND again from my experience it gets very old very quickly to have to "hold the hand" of the person you are dating regarding introductions and interactions in social situations as well.

        You seem as if you would have plenty to say just from your typing and wording here, try to translate that to social situations. Its nowhere near as hard as you think it would be, AND the more situations you engage in the easier it gets to be.

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        • [Old Memory]
          11 years ago

          I also just read another of your comments from above regarding unemployment and house cleaning and I have to say that reminds me of myself as well. I also dated yet another person whom I ended up living with for almost 4 years, and she didnt think housework or cleaning was very important as well, and while it is earth shakingly important, it does need to get done on a regular basis WITHOUT waiting until the last minute. So I can kinda understand his frustration regarding that somewhat. It seems to me his overall problem is that he wants you to be more proactive in general. More proactive regarding a career, more proactive with chores, and more proactive with your people skills.

          Try it out, its really not that hard at all. And once you see that it isnt hard you will be so relieved and feel so silly that you were so intimidated by it as well.

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          • [Old Memory]
            11 years ago

            *it ISNT earth shakingly important I meant.

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  • Captain_Kegstand
    11 years ago

    If he "can't do anything about his anger problems" then how does he expect you to magically fix your social anxiety? No guy should ever talk to his girl the way that you described, dump him. He obviously doesn't deserve what he has, and you can find somebody that will treat you much better!

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  • wigsplitz
    11 years ago

    It' only going to get worse....wait til he starts beating you. Sounds like a control freak and if u got married, the beatings will start. Find someone else who accepts you for who you are.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      I agree that he's controlling and has a temper problem and he admits to that too. He says that there's nothing he can do about it right now and that if I'm not trying hard enough to change myself, then I should just deal with it. I don't think he'd beat me, he's never threatened me before and his family knows that he doesn't have a violent history. He's more self destructive than anything, though he does lash out verbally in hurtful ways.

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      • wigsplitz
        11 years ago

        Dump him.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          Thanks for your blunt honesty, I've been considering leaving this relationship for a while. I do know that if things escalate to the level you're talking about there wouldn't be any questions asked, I'd just leave. I feel down right now, but there's no way I'm going to let myself become battered.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    enough is enough, it starts with you it really does, to get ahead you will have to lose this victim mentality, the little dog who gets a kick, walk away and do anything even if its reading in your room alone, when you are self possessed he will return to you if its meant to be, if he doesnt stand firm

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      I know I need to lose the victim mentality, but I'm not always going "poor me". If it sounds like that right now it's because I'm feeling pretty low.

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  • Justs0meguy
    11 years ago

    No one should ever be embarrassed by their spouse or treat them this way. There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person. I don't want to offend you or hurt your feelings but this happens all the time in relationships and usually just gets worse until you hate eachother, unless you see some immediate changes I would seriously think of ending that relationship or at least take a serious break. Plus people don't realize what amazing people they have in their lives until their gone.

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  • ghettomex92
    11 years ago

    thats not normal dude, I say you dump the zero and get with the hero...umm thats me by the way :) But before you dump him kick him in the nuts!

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