Is it normal that even here i feel the need to moderate myself?

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So I know this is a place for open minded people and supposed to be free of judgement. I know that realistically I should be able to talk about whatever I want without fear of judgement or losing my reputation.

But for some reason there are still tabboo things in my life which I'm afraid of bringing up here. There are posts I know I could comment on with good advice for the people, or on which an opinion like mine has not yet been offered, but due to the nature of the post I feel afraid to speak my mind.

Does anyone else have problems like this? Or is it just me?

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Based on 66 votes (56 yes)
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Comments ( 29 )
  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    Of course you do. We're always censoring (!) ourselves and keeping back certain things.

    Sometimes it's justified; other times not so much. I'm gulity of it as well.

    The key question is- when does openness become an invitation for weakness? When does guardedness become impractical and unproductive?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      In the real world, I feel it would be at the point where you're pushing people away.

      In this kind of setting, with all this lovely anonymity.. I feel like it shouldn't matter as much. Even in real life situations I feel like people often guard themselves too much, and it really is a shame. But the reason most of us do is because we've all seen the consequences of being too open. :/

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  • dappled
    11 years ago

    People might be more accepting than you think. I know the site is called "IsItNormal?" but normality isn't just that tight band of averageness. The fringes are fringes, yes, and some of them get criticised here (things like incest and bestiality) but I'll bet there are people on the site who have tried both, and even more who fantasise.

    None of the "regulars" generally admit to things which would impact negatively on them and I bet some of us are harbouring secrets. I'd like it if we pushed ourselves even further in respect of the truth and of trying to help but I don't expect it to happen. I'd respect you if you took that stance and I'd defend you for if you were attacked. But I understand the kind of pressure it may bring for you.

    Reluctantly, I'd suggest you create a second account with which to answer things you'd be afraid to as yourself. I wish I knew who you were so I could talk to you about this in private. I don't like to give advice when I don't know exactly what I'm advising on. But, like I say, I do completely understand your position.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      You may not know it now (and I'm being shy at the moment) but you definitely know me. :P I have been trying to push the envelope more and be a bit more open, but it's definitely difficult at times. I actually removed one of my posts a few months ago because it was a very personal topic and some people said some cruel things.

      I feel like it's probably much worse with the regular users than anyone else... we still have our anonymity, but in a way we've given it up because we have this new, slightly different persona here now which we try to stay within the bounds of.

      I've thought about the additional account, but that just seems like the easy way out. We must all unite in solidarity and cease this pointless self consciousness dance. If anything perhaps I would use that for the controversial post I talked about, might make it a little bit easier to not have to log in and see it all the time.

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      • dappled
        11 years ago

        I had a feeling I might know you. You write like you feel at home on this site, like you belong. Most people who belong here, I tend to know.

        I'm sorry if you got negative replies to a personal topic. I've had very harsh replies to simple throwaway topics. It stung a little bit when they came from people I respect. If it had have been a topic that was personal to me, I would have felt more hurt.

        And, yeah, we've traded our real-life anonymity in for a kind of IIN persona. Our personalities are attached to our usernames and our username saying something that people rail against is like our real-life persona admitting it. To some extents. People hold things against people. Even use it in arguments. Like, "I can't trust your opinion. You dated your cousin". It's rarely relevant but I hate to think of things being held against people like this.

        And, yeah, the additional account is the easy way out. I wouldn't feel comfortable with it myself and I'm kind of glad you said what you did because I know we're on the same page. Using a second account to write a post is not a bad idea. The stories are anonymous anyway so you're not hiding anything much, just making it easier for you to avoid replies.

        P.S. There are things I could admit to IIN and don't. I'm sure I'm not a freak and others must be the same. If you do post anything controversial, I hope people remember your bravery in doing it and also remember what little secrets they're not brave enough to admit. Rather than rail against you, I hope they at least try to have a discussion.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          11 years ago

          Yeah, but that's to be expected I suppose. When dealing with some controversial subjects people are more inclined to that knee jerk sort of reaction. Though it would be better for people to not let their emotions get the better of them, we are human after all. :P

          I haven't seen that happen on here a whole lot, but I have seen it a few times. People being judged in unrelated posts for a certain opinion or their religious beliefs, though I'm not going to name any names. No need for all that.

          I do feel like in the right circles the whole online persona can be a very freeing thing. On another controversial topic (at least in the realms of internet ;P) I'm involved with the furry fandom, and people there tend to know themselves very well, and aren't afraid to express all kinds of weirdness through their characters. Giving them different powers, different weird little quirks (For example I think microfurs are cute as hell.. my "character" can shrink and ride around in peoples pockets :P)

          Heh, not to sound dramatic or anything, I just feel like the second account would in a way be giving up my integrity, saying that x things are totally fine but that y things should be covered up and hidden. The world would probably be a more relaxed place if we were all more open with one another.

          I think I'm going to try to make it a goal to step out of my shell more over some of the things I'm weird about... by degrees anyway. So don't go expecting an influx of weirdness from over here.

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          • OzzytheWizard
            11 years ago

            The truth is that you will always be judged. This site is no exception. You will always be judged for speaking your mind. So always keep that in mind when you post things.

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          • dappled
            11 years ago

            I was quite vocal with my opinions on certain things when I started on IIN and I don't voice opinions on them any more and am not even sure what my true opinions are now. I used to knee-jerk and, for some reason, now I don't. IIN actually has bettered me. Now I think about something and if I can't see a logical problem, just a gut instinct, I often keep quiet.

            I've seen religious beliefs being raised a lot here recently too. I'm not mentioning names, either, but some people have been very gracious in explaining elements of their religion to me and helping me understand things I was a bit ignorant of. That's another thing about IIN recently. Maybe it's just the bunch of people we have right now, but I seem to be learning more from this site than I did in the past. It's good.

            The furry thing is another one. I didn't know what it was when I started here. I think I made some stupid comments (or maybe not, I always judge myself harshly). About a month ago, DannyKanes was talking about my fetish for catwomen (which is well-known by now) and suggested I may be a furry. I'd never considered it but he may be right. I can't see anything wrong with it whatsoever and I wonder why people do (that's my "public confession" for the month). I bet nobody attacks me for it, though. People don't often attack ideas. They attack people and then pretend it's because of an idea.

            And, yeah, absolutely about the second account. Have you considered it from an artistic viewpoint too? Artists like exposing truth, not concealing it. My creative side wants to pull up the shutters and show everyone sunlight, not close the curtains and make sure the uncomfortable things are never seen. Closing the curtains is what causes problems.

            I've always believed that some things would be solved by living in a world where people only tell the truth. If everyone hung out *all* their dirty laundry then there'd be nothing for anyone to hide. We'd all be, for once, free. The weirdest thing is that the people most scared to show their self are often the people who are quickest to judge others who do. :/

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            • OzzytheWizard
              11 years ago

              Liking cat-women is not a furry. She is a women in a cat suit. She is a cat burglar. That is not what a furry is. That is complete shit. If you want a furry look at twix bunny. That is technically a furry.Just not a perverted one.

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            • Anonymous Post Author
              11 years ago

              Oh, do I understand that. I did used to knee jerk a bit, whenever I would come across a story that was anything along the lines of "I like watching people get raped" or "I want to rape someone". I would go off. :/ I've gotten very good at avoiding those sorts of reactions.

              I would like to see even more religious diversity here, though it is awesome that there's been a bit of an influx recently. I'd rather study all religions than actually adhere to any.

              Sigh... see that's why I don't talk about furry. Even on here everyone thinks its a fucking fetish. I've never had even the slightest sexual inclination toward animals, mascot costumes or anything in between. Not saying there's anything wrong with catgirls, just that I'm sick of everyone assuming I put on a costume and fuck people. It's my art, my expression, nothing like that. And just an fyi, the catgirl is more of an anime thing.

              Heh.. "Artists use lies to tell the truth, politicians use them to cover it up."

              I can see where you're coming from about honestly, but it can go too far in the other direction. Have you seen the movie The Invention of Lying? I wouldn't want to never lie. Then if you thought someone was butt ugly and they asked you would have to tell them the truth and hurt their feelings. If your mom called and asked what was up, you wouldnt be able to not say "Oh just masturbating furiously, how are you?" I don't want to live in that world. XD

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I don't so much have a problem telling the IIN comunity personal details, nobody here knows me, but do find myself often holding stong opinions back.

    ...seems like many here are quick to attack. I've seen it many times in discussions about infidelity, religion, politics, and medications.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Mmh, There have definitely been some instances in which I've done the same. Sometimes simply because I know it's going to cause a huge debate and I'd rather not have to deal with the flood of responses. :P

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  • howaminotmyself
    11 years ago

    There are plenty of things I don't talk about. I can be very open, but you have to show me you deserve to know the private details. I know that sounds arrogant, but my personal life isn't for all to ponder. And I don't care to justify my behavior to the crowd at large.

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  • willyma
    11 years ago

    I recently tried uploading a post about my hatred for relationship advice givers. But IIN didnt upload it. I didnt think it was very taboo. But still it is heartbreaking to pour your heart and soul into an post, only to have it removed.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I once brought something up on a post I told myself I'd NEVER tell anyone. The OP was in distress over deranged thoughts he couldn't get out of his head and I thought that maybe if he heard my story he wouldn't feel disgusted with himself. He at least wouldn't feel like he was the only one with a fucked up mind.

    I posted it under one of my known names. I don't think I ever deleted it either. If I did I kept it up for a fair amount of time. I actually don't regret it at all. If I found it today I wouldn't delete it. It makes me feel a little bit more free and that's a good feeling.

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  • dirtybirdy
    11 years ago

    Definitely. There's a few things I will never discuss here. I have good advice (shock!) on certain topics but I won't give it because some things I keep to myself.

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  • Tehboss
    11 years ago

    If you want to expose something about yourself or your life you should do so knowing that people will judge you but that judgement does not have a real interference in your life unless you allow it to have.
    Now while some people will probably be giant douches (myself included)that does not mean you should be closing yourself up, everyone is weak in one form or the other the only choice we have is how wen and where, and what we get out of allowing such weakness...

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  • dom180
    11 years ago

    Definitely. There are things I don't talk about to protect my own privacy, to protect the privacy of people I care about, and yes, to save my own embarrassment and awkwardness talking about taboos. I try really hard to post things I feel awkward about, and I've cringed more than a few times while writing comments and posts here.

    The way I get over it is to think of myself on IIN not as myself, but as a character I play. I am Dom, and on IIN I am dom180. dom180 and Dom become different people sometimes. When I say something I feel awkward or embarrassed or for any other reason have a hard time saying here, I remind myself that it isn't Dom saying those things. I put on my dom180 mask, and suddenly it's my good friend dom180 making an idiot of himself and not me, Dom. I'm just watching him. I doubt if that helps because I don't think I've explained it well.

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    • dappled
      11 years ago

      Can I ask for once where the 180 came from? The obvious answer is darts but, knowing you, it's not the obvious. It's more that 180 degrees is a plane. But I bet it's not that either.

      I have always wondered.

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      • dom180
        11 years ago

        The answer would disappoint you, I'm sure. I wish it was something deep, but it's really not.

        It could have come rooted in the thought specifically that if you turn 180 degrees you're going in the opposite direction to where you were. There's a lot of connotations that has, like looking into the past for answers or looking over one's shoulder out of fear. One of the overarching themes of my life is an inability I have to make a metaphorical 180 degree turn and look into my past, even only a recent past, say a year ago, without cringing at myself and taking an instant dislike to myself. I try to live my life in a way that means in a year's time I can look back and not have that feeling. There's also the idea that to turn 180 degrees would be to make the most drastic change possible, traveling the exact opposite route to the one you were going down. Making big, drastic changes is something else I have a real problem doing and always have.

        It's not really any of that old spiel though. It comes from the fact that I like going by my real name, Dom, but Dom is always taken on websites long before I get there. My hotmail account was one of the first accounts I ever made, when I was about 10 or 11 years old, and I couldn't call it "dom" and I couldn't call it "dom360" because that had been taken as well. So I chose "dom180". The fascination with angles like 540, 360 and 180 came from a strong interest I had in stunt sports like BMX, snowboarding and skateboarding. I'm competent at neither and my interest in them faded long before IIN, but "dom180" has always stuck and it had become my old stand-by for most websites I've ever joined. It's always been my forum alias and I can't imagine it being anything else.

        Disappointing, I know. It's one reason why I'm often dissatisfied with this name I've given myself; it has no meaning beyond the superficial. I can hardly change it now though, because it's what I'm known as and it's become part of who I am here. My name is something I have problems with here and in my real life, but I don't wish to change either because I feel like that would be an easy way out of the problem. In the way most people hate every photo of themselves, I hate every name I've ever given myself or been given. But the answer isn't to get surgery on your face so your photos look nice, and the answer isn't to change your name if you'll never be happy. After all, what's in a name... or a face, for that matter? :P

        I've wondered before where dappled came from too. I'm not sure if it's a story you've told here before, but it's a good name. I'm curious :)

        EDIT: Yes, I realise I have written over 3 huge, meaty, difficult paragraphs about very, very little. It seems that's just how I roll :P

        EDIT 2: I've just noticed that one of the false reasons I gave for the name is actually the real reason that I hate the real reason behind the name. (Damn that was a poorly constructed sentence.)

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        • dappled
          11 years ago

          I knew it wouldn't be straightforward. :P Makes sense, though. Somewhere between a volte-face and a tre flip. I kind of like your username more now. I always thought that maybe the 180 was an afterthought but again, knowing you, of course it wouldn't be. When you first arrived on the site, though, I didn't know your first name and I thought dom was perhaps an adjective rather than a verb and I considered you were here to enslave us all. :P

          Neither Frosties nor dappled had much thought put into them. Frosties because there'd been a Frosties advert on TV 30 seconds before I set up the account. dappled because of an Erica Jong poem I like:

          Narrowing life because of the fears,
          narrowing it between the dust motes,
          narrowing the pink baby
          between the green-limbed monsters,
          & the drooling idiots,
          & the ghosts of the Thalidomide infants,
          narrowing hope,
          always narrowing hope.

          Mother sits on one shoulder hissing:
          Life is dangerous.
          Father sits on the other sighing:
          Lucky you.
          Grandmother, grandfather, big sister:
          You'll die if you leave us,
          you'll die if you ever leave us.

          Sweetheart, baby sister,
          you'll die anyway
          & so will I.
          Even if you walk the wide greensward,
          even if you
          & your beautiful big belly
          embrace the world of men & trees,
          even if you moan with pleasure,
          & smoke the sweet grass
          & feast on strawberries in bed,
          you'll die anyway--
          wide or narrow,
          you're going to die.

          As long as you're at it,
          die wide.
          Follow your belly to the green pasture.
          Lie down in the sun's dapple.
          Life is not as dangerous
          as mother said.
          It is more dangerous,
          more wide.

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          • Anonymous Post Author
            11 years ago

            Not gonna lie, this poem choked me up a little. <3

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  • wigsplitz
    11 years ago

    There's 2 major things about my life that I don't talk about here on purpose, anonymous or not. It's not because of embarrassment or shame as there's nothing shameful about these things, nor are they very sensitive topics, I just *don't* want to talk about them. I don't talk about this stuff IRL either. Something about it, it's just private to me, this is about experiences I had and there's nothing I care to hear or answer about these experiences.

    I feel a little bit bad because as you said, I COULD possibly help this person with my experiences....and sometimes I type an answer and contemplate posting it, but never do. I don't think it's worth the obligation and the invitation that revealing it would create. I already know that I prefer not talking about it, so I keep mum.

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  • myownopinions
    11 years ago

    Of course it's normal. Just because this site is anonymous doesn't mean I'm going to reveal my deepest darkest secrets to anyone. That and I also try to moderate my comments so that they won't cause a lot of controversy. I have the same problem where I'm about to comment with my own input that nobody has typed out yet, but it seems too personal to actually post.

    Really, though, I guess the fact of the matter is that this site IS anonymous, so we shouldn't be afraid to type whatever we want.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      11 years ago

      Pretty much what I was getting at. I made a profile on this site mostly to answer other people's questions and try to give good advice, so I feel a little bad when I see someone who could benefit from what I have to say and I'm just too scared to say it XD

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  • squeallikeasacofpigs
    11 years ago

    Stop being so wet!

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