Is it normal self abuse
*this is 100%* serious no matter who outlandish this seems, i wouldnt waste my time with this...*
Is it normal that i abuse myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. My hatred for myself has grown so much that it seems that is the only way i get aroused and a common way that i let off negative energy. I have penetrated myself and masturbated to the thought of dominated and degraded. for a long time i have remembered that when i was younger i use to beat myself with rulers for sexual satisfaction as well.
I feel ashamed being alive and i want my life to end, however i know that alot of ways people try fail and im not stupid to do that. however if i had a gun i probably would have blown my brains out by now. and lately its been getting to the point where i wouldnt car about a failed suicide attempt, i would just disembowel myself and continuesly do so till i did die. I have been having homicidal thoughts manifest as well lately.
its just strange to me that i have little to no emotion about me killing myself and i believe that it would be better for my family and the world. i have pleasured myself to people not caring and laughing at the fact of me killing myself. and take into consideration im not some submissive weakling. im 6'3 and train in martial arts and lift regularly and i really dont get fucked with at all and people have a geninue respect for me, although my paranoid thinking leads me not to believe so. IIN?