Is it normal or am i imagining this?

I fear I have been depressed since the last few years. I haven't dated anyone in 3 years, I haven't tried any new career options since I fear the anxiety that comes on if I get rejected. I have been losing interest in everything I do, I hate the fact that I have a loving family because I feel they would be better off if I were dead. I have been able to maintain an appearance of being calm but all I can think is how better everyone's life would be if I were dead. I imagine my own funeral and how no one would care to show up. I can't tell my friends because I fear they would be worried and I would hate myself even more if I were the reason for their worry. But things have been getting out of my control since a few days. I lose my compose and am at the verge of tears constantly. I can't afford medical help and I feel that if told that I have a problem might push me end it once and for all. Right now typing this is the part of me that wishes I were better. The part of me that knows that there is no use and I am not worth anyone's time stays quiet as I try not to drown in my own thoughts. I am scared. Too scared to even get help.