Is it normal not to know if you were sexually abused?

What I am about to write is very painful for me especially since I don't recall ever telling anyone about this... I have memories, some which are vague, of inappropriate things happening to me as a child at the hands of a relative.

The more and more that I think about it, my grandmother always seemed to have a "fixation" on me being nude as a child. I remember me and my mom having to stay over my grandparents home as a child because our home was being redone. For some reason, when it was time for me to take my bath I wasn't "allowed to take my clothes off IN the bathroom. I believe this rule was set up by my grandmother. I remember having to take off my clothes and she would stare at me with a disturbing look on her face as if she was enjoying it. I would have to tell her constantly not to look at me but she barely seemed to listen. My grandfather on the other hand clearly didn't want to see me in the nude. All I would have to tell him was that he had to cover his eyes and he would do it with no problems.

Perhaps, when I was even younger, I remember that my grandmother would often gives me baths inside the bathroom sink. I liked having them, but I never stopped to wonder why my grandmother ALWAYS seemed to want to give me a bath when she came over! I don't remember exactly what my mom thought of this though, I vaguely remember her saying that it wasn't necessary as she was perfectly capable of doing it. One day, after being dried my grandmother didn't want to put clothes on me. I remember being carried downstairs and my grandmother opening the door and me being made to stand in front of the door.

Anyway, my mom came and when she saw me naked she was livid. She quickly came in the door and locked it then flipped out on my grandmother. I remember one of her main concerns being that she didn't know what kinds of people lived in our neighborhood and that she didn't want me to be exploited. At the time, I had no idea what she meant by this but now I realize that she was referring to child molesters. My grandmother on the other hand, kept acting very "defensively". She kept trying to justify her reasons. My mom won the argument in the end and I think she left the house to do more work outside saying threatening her mother not to do it again.

However, when she left I remember my grandmother trying to turn me against my mom as painting her as being irrational among other things. I have the feeling that my grandmother swore me to secrecy on our conversation.

When I was still very young my grandmother "created" this "game" by which I would lay over her lap and she would spank me. I was sworn to secrecy about it. I liked it and it seemed she did too. I don't recall her ever doing this to me while I was nude, I always had my clothes on. One day, I accidentally let it slip to my mom about this "game" and she flipped out at my grandma. Sometime after the fight I remember wanting to play the "game" and my grandma told me that we couldn't anymore because I told. She made me feel so guilty for my actions.

This is probably one of the most painful memories that I have about this. One that repeatedly haunts me to this day. I think I was in 1st grade when this happened. Around this time, it seemed that I was constantly having irritations/infections in my vulva and my mom would often have to put vagisil on me with a q-tip. Often times, when this happened my grandmother would come to our house and my mom would call her up for advice on my crotch that or my grandmother would ask what we were doing and when she found out about the vagisil she would always come running up the stairs to watch. This time was different...

Because, I hadn't gone through puberty my clitoris was quite prominent. My grandmother at some point pointed at it very closely and asked my mom if it was normal. My mom said "yes" but my grandmother talked about me being taken to the doctor and seeing if it could somehow be shortened. That's when she touched it! My mom told her that she shouldn't of done that and my innocent self said that it felt "good". That's when she touched it again but this time her finger stayed there longer and she took my clitoris and wiggled it. She had the sickest expression on her face. My mom was horrified and angry.

Once again when confronted, my grandmother got defensive and tried to justify her actions by saying that there was noting wrong with it and that I liked it. A fight ensued and my grandmother was told to leave. I didn't understand what happened and I think I even asked my mom to touch me like that and she refused.

I was about 9 years old when this happened. It was a Sunday morning and I had to go to church with my grandmother. I was in the shower bathing myself. Suddenly, I heard the door open and then close very quickly. The next thing I knew the curtains had been open wide and there was my grandmother. I asked her why she was there and that I wanted my privacy. She must have denied my wishes because she stood there watching me. She told me to proceed bathing myself. I protested and she said that this was something that all families did. She insisted that I proceed which I did. I was washing myself at an angle and she didn't like that. She told me to face her. I did so but I was reluctant and upset.

I tried to do it quickly and cover my genitals and breasts in the process. She did like that and made me stop. She wanted to see me wash my vulva. I did it was quick as I could then I attempted to washed myself off. She got upset and told me that I had missed a spot. I told her that I didn't. She instructed me to open labia so she could see everything. I was sacred. I not sure but I think she suddenly reached out and forcibly opened my vulva. She starting gesticulating and saying that I missed places that I didn't. I remember her touching me down there. Poking, prodding and rubbing things, possibly even asking me how it felt. At some point she reluctantly stopped, claiming something, and telling me to rinse off. She handed me the towel. I don't think she dried me but before she left she said in hushed and threateningly tones that we should keep what happened between each other and that I had better not tell anyone about this or I would be sorry.

I remember the drive to the church being very awkward. I didn't feel the same as I did before. I felt weird, like my body no longer belonged to me. My grandma brought the incident up in an almost joking manner. I can't remember exactly was said but I have the feeling that she congratulated me, saying that I did a good job and that I had to trust her more and do things without questioning her.

I am now a legal adult. I've been reliving these memories but I couldn't bring myself to actually believe them, that is until about a month or so ago when I discovered about regressed memories. Suddenly, a lot of things started to make sense... I know that this isn't normal but what should I do about this?