Is it normal not to except my husband relationship with his cousin?

36% Normal
9 Comments

I've been with my husband for 8 years. We have two children. about 4 years ago a really good friend of mine told me that my husband had a past relationship with his cousin, who is very close to the family. I laughed about it, there was no way! She was going to be my daughters godmother (My husbands idea) I told my husband about it and he said my friend doesn't know what she's talking about. 2 1/2 years pass by and I was talking on the phone with another good friend of mine. She told me the same thing as my friend did 2 1/2 years earlier. I called my husband and told him what she had told me. He made up a very convincing story about how he got a girl pregnant and used his cousins ID card to abort the baby. I'm married to this man, I should be able to trust him, wright? wrong! I trusted him for a year and 1/2 and still went over for family fun nights at my in laws where his cousin was. I asked him about 4 mths ago about him having a relationship with his cousin and getting her pregnant, again. He finally caved in and told me the truth. He told me the reason he lied to me for 8 years was to keep us together. I find that selfish. My husband wanted this lady to be my daughters godmother? this lady has looked me in the face and lied herself to me. I also have found out the two of them have been talking about me and my husbands realationship, I feel this is inappropriate. So, a few days ago he wanted me to go with him to his parents house and bring the kids. She was going to be there. I told him i don't feel comfortable and the kids and I will not be going. According to him I'm crazy to feel this way. By the way his whole family knows about this now. Am I crazy? Is it normal for me to feel this hurt? If I would go over to his parents house all I would think is that I'm not the only one he's loved and got pregnant in this house.. Thats hurtful. not only is this fucking gorss, him sleeping with his first cousin but he lied to me, he betrayed me. If I would of known now what I didn't know then, I would of never married him. I grew up with my family telling me that people shouldn't have inapproprite realationships with their blood. Please someone, am I normal for feeling this way? My Husband thinks I'm crazy and should be firends with her and forget it ever happened!!

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36% Normal
Based on 78 votes (28 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • Anonymous Post Author
    11 years ago

    The lie and him trying to make me be friends with her hurts the most. He should of given me a choice before we started a relationship. I feel cheated, like if I didn't really get a choice of who I wanted to be with. He choose that for me by lying. He has lied to me before I found out his secret. One night he told me he needed to go back to his moms house to help her out. (I was 19 and he was 21 then) he called me later on, about 2 hours saying he was passing my house and was thinking about me. I asked him where he had been. He outed himself in a lie, he was suppose to be at his moms but he was at his cousins house, the one he had a 3 mth relationship with. He was trying to explain himself. I didn't get it then because I wasn't aware of what had happened 2 years prior of our relationship. I get it now! So basically what I'm saying, I have made my choice. I just needed someone from the outside looking in, to comfirm that i'm normal for having these thoughts. The two lies are not the only lies he has told me but hands down, is the most hurtful! I won't go to couples counseling. I will go for myself so I can countinue being a loving mother to my Children. thank you everyone for your comments. You all have valid points.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    You are fine. He lied to you and I am sorry for that. Sometimes you learn that the people around you are not as strong as you thought to believe. You must consider why they kept the truth from you. Maybe it is long buried in the past for them. Everybody makes mistakes. You have to determine whether or not this one can be forgiven.

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  • Pattyloup
    9 years ago

    My first husband had an affair with his first cousin. He didn't confess and I didn't witness it but I knew. His cousin was beautiful and he was handsome and while I was in bed after delivering my first child, they stayed up all night in the front room doing there thing. I was young, 19 years old and innocent. He was from the south and I think it is more tolerated there but the moral of his father and him were similar.
    This man went on to totally destroy our marriage with multiple affairs and to even bring women into our home while I was at work. Women usually know when a man is cheating on them and there is nothing that tells you more about a man's fidelity and character than having incest.
    I finally reached my breaking point when he wanted to start beating on me because I was getting angry and questing him. He left me without child and his car payments. He never gave me one penny of child support or alimony.
    I am never sorry I left him because I went on to become a registered nurse and remarry a better man.
    I am 70 years old now and I want to tell you my dear, "Don't walk but run from that man." His morals are that of an animal and one day you will have young children and what will stop him from thinking about them in the same way. Please don't be offended because I have lived a long time and have seen a lot of incest throughout my family. It is devastating and ruins so many lives.

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  • pch
    11 years ago

    Hi..this is PCH, 27years female from India and jus got married 3 months ago...i met my husband around 9 months ago and we got engaged in jus a month after dat meeting as we fell in love with each other...at that time he told me about his family wich is a disturbed one always had fights and all...one of his aunt his mother's sister committed suicide and her 3 children were living at his home...one of his cousin sister was his best friend who was married when i met him...he told me about her that she is the only one who understand him well and he has done a lot for her..he jus cant see tear in her eyes and all...wen i got married she suddenly felt insecured and i started doubted on her...though my husband is very good and he loves me so much...at one point of time i felt like there is noone who can love me more than him...she tried to make querell in between us...i dont like her at all...once she visited us and told me many things abt my husband like he was cared her so much..he always used to call her for hours...he visited home even in midnight from 1600 km for her only...he always get her to sleep...he loves her so much..so many things...i asked my husband what the hell was dat she was talking abt....he called her up and told her to get out of his house dont show her face again...and he told me she is feeling insecured of u so dats why she is behaving in such manner..though we fought a lot over it as many things i could relate which i told my husband to me...
    now one day i was going trhough my husband's chat history on gmail...i was shocked to see that he has chatted her for past two year...vedio chat..they were in relationship...they used to get naked on web cam and would do oral sex and all dirty stuff...so many chats and all...i got mad and asked to my husband about this...den he confessed everything and told me that he was in relationship with her...initially it started from emotional feelinga and the care he did to her after her mother's death...den due to dis disturbed family he gets closed to her...he was in love with her..and den they ended up doing sex with each other...as he was working in mumbai and she was in haryana at his native place...he would visit to her on every alternative month for 8 to 10 days..they will have sex intercourse and every crazy things...and apart frm this they will be on ph for hours for every day or they will be on chat, vedio chat or sms...they were in touch for 24 hrs...nobodies knows abt this...they started it in june 2010 and in december 2011 she got married...they even had sex on her wedding day..they continued it after her marriage also...they discontinued dis sex thing in the month of may 2012 or can say did it last time in may 2012...i met him in the month of june 2012 and we got engaged in july ..a very next month..he dint tell me anything abt this..he loved me so much..he left his job from mumbai and shifted to delhi for me...we were so happy...den his cousin came in between and i came to knw of all this...
    now i am mad and i just dont knw what to do....he confessed everything and asked for forgiveness...he said dint tell me becuase he dint want to lose me and he thought that nobody's past is important ..i want to keep u happy and away from all this....jus give me last chance...i nver let u down..jus keep me aside from this thing and den think abt me...wen i committed this thing..u were not there...wen u came in my life...i was out of this....

    please suggest me what to do as i love him so much............

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  • shade_ilmaendu
    11 years ago

    As much as the idea of incest weirds me out, I try not to judge people who live differently *if* their lifestyle choice is not harming anyone (someone who molests children or rapes their pet for example). Some of the more intelligent posts I've seen about this topic on here have kind of changed my mind, yes the idea of it makes me uncomfortable but I don't see it as being a harmful thing if they're not producing children (due to the high likliehood of genetic problems). So yeah they should have definitely been more careful but I feel they did the right thing to terminate the pregnancy, at least they stopped things before a fucked up child could result. (Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, struggling with how to word that part)

    I certainly understand you being upset about his lying, while at the same time sympathizing with him, because I can understand the fear of losing someone you find amazing because of a mistake you made years ago. And that's really all it comes down to, I feel like what someone's done in their past counts for less than the person they become; the past doesn't even exist anymore. Especially if this was a one time mistake and he never repeated it later in life, why not at least try to work out your differences if up until now you've had a good life together?

    Not to sound like a broken record, but I think couples counseling would really do you guys a world of good.

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  • ygrowup
    11 years ago

    What he did was wrong, but is it right to throw away all that you two have together, get counseling and work on trust issues together. Good luck with your choices

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  • liz84
    11 years ago

    I'm scared for my babies. What will they do when they find out? They're young and I'm trying to sheild them from this the best way I think is right for them. I moved out in August. and you're right, there is a reason why, I can't get a straight answer. I've tried to forgive but I can't get over this hurt. I still love him with everything I have. I don't know how to move on. Guess it's time for me to call a professional. Thank you for your comment.

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    • [Old Memory]
      11 years ago

      Best thing to do is to speak to a professional. They will help you to get a clear perspective on things. Hopefully then you will be able to realign your emotions to make the best choices for you and your children. You are welcome

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    • PumpkinKate
      11 years ago

      I would also recommend seeing a therapist quite strongly. I think (if you'll permit me to say) that it will be important to think about the differences in:
      feeling angry at someone for doing something you don't really understand many years ago, considering we all make mistakes and some may seem pretty drastic from some viewpoints, but the only ones who know the full depth of the situation were those involved. Forgiveness for errors of judgment is important
      and
      understanding that it is absolutely mandatory for trust to exist in a relationship in order for it to survive. This person, understandably or not, has not shown that he trusts you over the past EIGHT years. Even when finally confronted with the truth, not to his decision, he doesn't seem to be acknowledging the fault in lying to you for so long. That is a very bad sign, it does not indicate him growing into someone who trusts you enough to tell you the truth. You deserve truth.

      Relationships do not survive without truth, forgiveness, honesty, and communication. Past mistakes can be forgiven. Living a lie of convenience in a relationship without trust is very trying on a person's soul.

      I would personally suggest the idea that it is his responsibility to show honesty and to attempt to re-establish trust. Only after that point would it become your responsibility to decide to forgive or not.

      You're not crazy for feeling confused and hurt. Don't let him convince you you are at fault, it's called projective identification and it's abuse.

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