Is it normal not to be okay with my bf going to an ex's?

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8 Comments

Okay, so I've been with my bf for two years and the whole thing has been on/off.

Basically he came to Uni with a fuckbuddy and went to visit her numberous times at the start. He was clearly really into her at the time and as we weren't properly together I couldn't say anything, though it bothered me a little. Eventually we became exclusive and she disappeared off the radar.

Things have been going really well lately though and I couldn't be happier. However, out of the blue, he was invited to her house for a hot tub party and a sleepover. He hadn't planned on telling me, when a message about it came up whilst I was with him and he couldn't deny it. I asked him not to go and he said okay.

Problem is, he has a habit of changing his mind under the influence of his friends and as he lives far away I'm not sure he won't go so I said if he went without telling me, it would all be over. The only reason is his total obsession with her at the start and the fact he hurt me really badly a couple of months ago (causing so many trust issues). Am I being an unreasonable girlfriend?

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59% Normal
Based on 71 votes (42 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • penpal21
    11 years ago

    The fact that he hadn't planned on telling you about the invite is troubling.

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  • plum6
    11 years ago

    Even though I agree with the comments above that the way your bf is acting seems really sleazy you should also consider that he might not even really means to ruin the relationship you two have.

    Fact is that his ex and him used to be intimate and that she is most likely still somewhat interested in him. I am assuming that he is aware of this. As a guy in a stable relationship I am willing to bet that one of the main reasons that he is still relatively close to her is because he is perfectly aware of the girl's feelings towards him which simply boosts his ego and makes him feel like a stud.

    I do agree it is quite a hazardous environment for your boyfriend to be in since relatively small things such as alcohol or you and him getting into a fight could make him give in to his ex's flirtations.

    If I were you I would confront him with it, but be sure to do so without sounding like a jealous and smothering girlfriend. If you manage to keep the conversation 'light' and maybe even somewhat mocking towards his behavior I bet he would feel 'caught' which will make him think twice about behaving the same way again. However, if you mess it up and go all mad and jealous on him he will probably feel like you are depriving him of what he feels like doing.

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  • Deshara
    11 years ago

    I can attest to the position this guy is in, actually. Remember that every relationship is like a person-- unique and impossible to predict. Maybe he got together with her in the first place because they were good friends, and he's starting to miss an old friend he lost when he broke up with her. You can never really know what's going on between two other people or why, and there are just as many innocent, non-sexual reasons to get back together with an ex in a non-dating or non-sexual relationship as there are to get back together to date or fuck. It serves nobody to assume you can know what's going on.
    As such, it boils down to this: Do you trust him? If so, even if you're keeping a passive eye out for signs of trouble, keep trusting him and see if you can get him to be more open and communicative with what's going on between him and her, if it'd help. If you don't trust him to be able to see a girl without fucking her, then maybe the relationship isn't in the place it needs to be and you'd be better off looking for somebody you could trust.

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  • chatter289
    11 years ago

    He is going AND without you? You're his gf right, where is the invite? I wouldn't trust it, and frankly, he may end up cheating. Hot tub? Sleep over? Yeah because that's what all men want, just to 'sleep' over. I don't trust it one bit and I'm sorry but if only sex drew them two together in the first place what else is going to draw them tis time? And as you said if you ha not seen the message he would have never have told you. Eyes and ears open chick...

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  • prasatko
    11 years ago

    From my perspective, your feelings and reactions to the described situation are 100% normal and natural.
    (Last but not least, some exes can be really "toxic")

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  • spookypuke
    11 years ago

    You should have him hang out with you that night instead or facetime/call to see what's up.

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  • spookypuke
    11 years ago

    A hot tub session and a sleepover party with an ex-fuck buddy around him? Hell no girl. I would not be cool with that and how you're feeling about the situation is normal.

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  • [Old Memory]
    11 years ago

    I have no problem with my bf hanging out with an ex, if he were to try and lie or cover up about it then i'd have a huge problem. If they have no feelings there should be no reason to be secretive. I don't think you are being unreasonable

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