Is it normal not to accept my husband's child

72% Normal

I and my husband, we've been in a relationship for 8 years, and we got married 5 months ago, with two children, 7year and a eleven month old. when we were still at school he made another girl pregnant and they now have a 10 year old girl together. eversince this child was born, they hated each other because my husband wanted a partenity test to be done,since he never had an affair with this girl but they slept together. when partenity confirmed him to be the father, he started paying maintenance for this child until to date but was still very recentfull towards this child and her mom, and they never had a good relationshp with the mother of the child since the child was born, they hated each other so much as a result the mother of the child has been putting strain in our relationship since forever. Eversince we got married, the mother of the child has been sending him text messages commenting about the lifestyle he has and how he has and demanding him to take the child as a result today now, my husband is telling me that even though he has gone through all the bad things because of the mother of her child, he has now come to a point to realise and accept that this is his child as a result he want to have a relationship with her more than paying maintanance for her and he wants to stay with her as a family. I am not against him having a relationship with his child, but frankly i don't want his child in my house. because of all the bad things i've went through because of the mother of this child, I feel like I hate this child the same as I hate her mom. is it normal not to accept my husband's child, really i feel this is going to complicate my life further than the presence of this child has already done in our life. please advise me on how to deal with this situation, right now i am not ready to raise this woman's child especially when i know she is just wanting us to stay with this child to spite me and to make oour lives miserable.

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72% Normal

Based on 128 votes (92 yes)

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Comments ( 27 )

Angel_in_a_Glass_Dress

12 years ago

It's not the child's fault.

The person you NEED to blame is your husband. He didn't HAVE to go cheat on you and have an affair but he did.

And yes you say he didn't have an affair but... that's like taking a glass of chocolate milk and saying it's not chocolate... He dipped his wick into someone else's ink pot and knocked her up.

But ... by spurning the child... you are punishing the ONE person who was innocent. Yes your feelings got hurt but the child didn't do that. Your cheating husband and his one-night-stand did that.

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- sirunik
  
  9 years ago
  
  It is sooo easy to tell dont blame the child, take it easy but it is really very tough... I am in the same situation. I love my husband so much but i hate that part of his past and i do my best to accept his daughter but i cant. Even thought about her makes me mad especially wehn we go for a walk me my husnand and she and she starts to talk about her mom. I hate her existance. she is my only problem with my husband. What makes me mad is that she gave a birthday gift her picture in frame many years ago and when we got married with my husband from now on he puts that picture in our living room. I dont know what to do so he took it from there, i dont want her picture or anything of my husband's past in my home. please give me an advice
  
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- Lynxikat
  
  12 years ago
  
  Agreed- you said it perfectly.
  
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kittenlittle

12 years ago

You will most likely warm up to the child. Just please be nice to the child, imagine how she must feel, having her dad not accept her for so long, she probably feels like no one loves her

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joybird

12 years ago

I totally understand you! You have a very young child to see to and your husband is being a typical man.
1. If HE wants a relationship with the child then HE should be with her ALONE.
2. He intends to dump her on you while he continues his social life.
3. How will your children react to seeing him fawn over this new child?

Tell him to take the child camping, to a caravan, mini-break, etc so that she can get used to him without trying to establish 4 relationships all at the same time. I assume he's only taking the child at weekends etc.

It doesn't take a man too long to get bored with a young girl and he will soon run out of ideas and topics of interest. You might find that one weekend is enough for him.

Tell him to crack on - on his own with her, come back and tell you how it went ;o)

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crissyabear

12 years ago

Think about how you would want someone to treat your children if for some reason you and your husband split up. Time to grow up. Who cares what the other woman is doing as long as it isn't your husband. You can continue to resent the child making your life, your husband's life, and all children involved lives miserable. Or put your big girl panties on step back access the situation and deal with the life you are dealt. Your call. Good luck with your situation. I really mean that. It is a hard spot to be in.

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CheekyChihuahua

12 years ago

You should at least try to accept the kid, and maybe things will work out.

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pambambam

12 years ago

you sound like you would be a bitch to that child. you have the wrong attitude.

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Care-free

12 years ago

Don't hate me or anything for saying this but...
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!
This child is a living thing and it has feelings, it's not some object or an old pic you wanna get rid of. How do you think it feels, knowing it's dad never wanted her!!!!! And now on top of it all you want to make such a fuzz over her cuz of her MOM!!!! She's not her mom, she's herself and probably suffered a lot because till now she didn't know and probably won't know what it's like to have a normal family!!!!

EVER LOOKED AT IT THIS WAY???

I hope this helps!

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tommy81

12 years ago

You're right, maybe this kid shouldn't live with you. A child needs well adjusted, stable adults in their life.

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crissyabear

12 years ago

Yes it is normal to feel resentment and to have bad feelings. However it is not the child's fault. If you feel that the other woman is pushing the child on your family to peeve you it would really backfire on her if you could find a way to accept this child into your family.

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Anonymous Post Author

12 years ago

i did not do anything wrong either, so how is this now my fault, and why am i now expected to be part of someone's life even if i dont want to or why am i now expected to pay the price of other people's irresponsible actions and behaviour.

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- Grendel1013
  
  12 years ago
  
  Like I posted earlier, how would you feel if you divorce you Husband and meet a new Man and get married. And how would you feel if your new Husband tells you he hates your Daughter and wants nothing to do with her.
  
  According to your methodology your new Husband should be exempt from loving, caring, supporting, or even liking your daughter. After all, it would be YOUR FAULT you had a child while you were in a failed relationship.
  How would you feel if your new Husband treats your daughter like crap.
  
  And to be honest, YOU MARRIED THE GUY even after he pulled his stunt, so you are just at fault as he is.
  
  Regardless of who is at fault, you can't take your bitter anger out on your Husbands child, it's not the child's fault she was born under those circumstances. Taking that anger you have towards your Husband and the child's Mother out on her is just cruel, unjustified, and just flat out selfish.
  
  It would be like hating your Grand Daughter because your Daughter got knocked up by a complete scumbag.
  
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- Chellebelle
  
  7 years ago
  
  You don't have to accept her. I've not allowed my husbands sociopath 11 yr old daughter back in my house since last year when she and her mother reported me for abuse. Funny because the day she went home and told her mother these malicious lies, i had actually taken her out with her half brother that very day to Ikea and spoiled her. For years she bullied my 2 kids from my previous marriage, finger painted her shit all over my walls and lied her ass off about it. She beat my son black n blue because he caught her during a game of chasey with 10 other kids. She accused my neighbour of molesting her.
  Let your hubby have his mistake to himself. You don't need that in your life.
  
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- Caps90
  
  8 years ago
  
  Because that is life. How many other people have had to pay for your actions? Truth of the matter is love is difficult. If love were easy; the world would be a better place that's for sure. Not having someone she can love and trust affects her. Your actions towards her affect not only you but your husband, her, your son, and those that just so happen to observe you. She is more than a mistake. She has thought's feelings, fears, likes, dislikes just like your son. It is not easy, but that is what makes it all worth it in the end. When you grow old and die you are not going to say, "I am glad I chose to shut out.... or not forgive... or was mean to..." You are going to be saying, "I wish I had treated.... better, I should have helped.... remember when I let... in and I didn't want to, I am so glad... came into my life."
  
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Anonymous Post Author

12 years ago

thank you for the response, however the way i feel now i doubt if I will ever welcome this child to my home for as long things contine the way they are now when it comes to her mom. i feel she is trying by all means to turn my husband against me. as mch as i nderstand his sudden change of heart because in reality she is his flash and blood but I also feel his asking of me to stay with this child is taking a bit too far. he can have all the relationship he wants with his child but not at my expense, i dont have time for his child neither a will to raise his child especialy with her mom around. how can he expect me to take his child, if i raise his child what will her mom be doing, having all the good times whilst i'm struggling with her child? i'm sorry for being honest, i dont want to complicate me and my children's life any further than it is already complicated because of this child

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- Grendel1013
  
  12 years ago
  
  To be honest, when you decided to Marry your Husband you took that oath to love and cherish him, and all that comes along with him including the children he had with another Woman.
  
  I can understand your frustration, but in all essences it's not the child's fault. So don't hate the child, hate the situation. Talk to your Husband and explain to him how you feel, explain that you detest the childs Mother and you don't want anything to do with her. Cutting the Mother out of the picture is completely O.K and understandable and will take the complication out of the situation.
  
  You may hate with a bloody passion the Mother of that child, but that child is also part of your Husband.
  
  Lets reverse the rolls for a second:
  How would you feel if (I don't wish this upon anyone) you two get a divorce, and 2-3+ years later you meet a new man and get married. Then one day he tells you he wants NOTHING to do with your child and detests her? And he says " It's not my child why should I support it"? After all, it was YOUR mistake to get into a failed marriage and have a child with you previous Husband. It would break your heart that your spouse does not accept your child.
  
  See my point?
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    12 years ago
    
    unfortunately the vows we took applied to both of us, so we both needed to be honest before and when taking those vows, then we would not have such problems now. When i chose to marry him, it was because i was open and honest long before we got married about how i feel about his child and her mother, and he did not have any problem with that because he felt the same that time, that was before his sudden change of heart, which I also understand because it is his blood at the end of the day but not mine, hence i dont feel anything for this child. Even so, he made his choise to marry me and now he expects me to just change tune and accept staying with his child without even tlaking to me first, atleast to say something like, even though a lot has happened between me and the mother of this child, nut i have come to accept that it was not the child's fault as a result i have come to accept her, than to just tell me how unhappy it makes him that he cannot talk about his child and how he wants to stay with his child, how about if he maybe started by asking for the child to visit first or him visiting her first, so that atleast they get to know each other first before having this rediculuous expectation for the child that he, himself does not know. i feel betrayed, to me now it looks like he was not honest when taking those vows as he had something hanging to him but was not honest enough to express how he feels and now he is starting to tell me how this makes him unhappy that he cannot get any support from me when it comes to his child, still i dont know what kind of support he must be refering to.
    
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    - RomeoDeMontague
      
      10 years ago
      
      If you knew about the child before you got married you should not have gotten married.
      
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- Caps90
  
  8 years ago
  
  Just don't let your dislike for her mom to cause dislike to her. Maybe if you try to like her your husband will too. It's not her fault she was born.
  
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- Ices
  
  10 years ago
  
  Then why did you marry him? You knew of this other child. And it truly doesn't matter how you feel about the child complicating your children's lives, because its already done. That is their step-sister whether you like it or not. And to be so hateful to a child is awful. Perhaps for everyone's best interest you should reconsider this marriage. By not accepting his daughter, you are not accepting a vital part of him.
  
  Imagine you die, or divorce and his next wife exclaims the same. She doesn't accept your children. She feels they are not her problem and doesn't want to raise them. Would you expect him to choose her over them? Of course not, it is insane to make a man choose between you and his own child!
  
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  - Chellebelle
    
    7 years ago
    
    What? So because of her husbands mistake she's to leave her marriage and take her other kids away from their father? Split up their family because of HIS mistake that he doesn't even know? Pfft!
    
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  - Ices
    
    10 years ago
    
    sorry HALF-SISTER* not step.
    
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[Old Memory]

12 years ago

The child is innocent beeeeotch

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  12 years ago
  
  HelloSupGee
  you don't have to be rude with me, remember I did not do anything wrong to this child, all that I did was atleast to be honest about how I feel and asked for advice. not that I also enjoy to be in this situation but I am also waying my options, because I dont want to first act on my feelings thinking i'm making things better or even welcome this child in our home, and only to realise later that i was opening doors for my life to be a living hell, hence other peoples opinions matters to me, atleast I think they will inform whatever decision i will make at the end of the day.
  
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DudeUrFuglyXox

12 years ago

the child didnt do anything wrong and its wrong to treat them like they did when it was their parents, all the child did was be born

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- MahBoi24
  
  12 years ago
  
  That's enough to resent it. Oh, and PUH-LEASE learn to fucking punctuate!
  
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Is it normal not to accept my husband's child