Is it normal my husband won't discuss the options?

51% Normal
19 Comments

I just found out I am pregnant. It was completely unexpected and we were being careful. I was the one who was most against having a child whereas he didn't *really* care either way.

Now I'm trying to discuss this with him and trying to let him be a part of the decision but he refuses to give a strong opinion! I know ultimately it's my decision whether to go through with the pregnancy or not but I'd like to know what he wants, I'm WILLING and desperately TRYING to take his wishes into consideration. He's forcing me to make the decision alone. I think he's doing this to avoid responsibility for the outcome and I fear that he's going to "punish" me later on for whatever decision I make. If I choose abortion, I fear he's going to throw it in my face sometime in the future and if I choose to keep it I fear he may resent me and possibly the child.

He does this with a lot of things. He often tries to get me to make the decisions so that he can escape responsibility or benefit in some other way from not being the decider. But this is a very serious matter and I'm pretty upset that he can't buck up and speak his mind.

is it normal to be upset that he won't participate in discussion? What can I do to get him to speak up? If he refuses, what should I do to protect myself from him exploiting my decision in the future?

Voting Results
51% Normal
Based on 49 votes (25 yes)
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Comments ( 19 )
  • SuperBenzid
    10 years ago | pl

    Well if I was you, what you are saying would lean me more towards the abortion considering you have what seems to be an absentee father in the making here.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    I'm pro-choice, although I hate that term.

    I see nothing wrong with getting an abortion. There are plenty of options, and I am assuming you know them already.

    Make your decision and fuck him. Blaming you and whatnot seems immature. If he can't decide for himself he has to live with your decisions. You're not a mind reader. I was with a guy that wouldn't make decisions, but he wasn't too upset when I made a bad one, he accepted it.

    Just tell it to him straight. If he wants to be passive-aggressive I'd re-think your marriage. Or not, if it's not that big of an issue. It sounds like it sucks, though.

    Breathe. Support yourself. We support you... kinda... we do emotionally! Say, "I can do this! Everything will be okay."

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  • suckonthis9
    10 years ago | pl

    You need a third-party (preferably more than one other person), non-biased arbitrator.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      This is a very good suggestion and I've thumbed you up.

      I think your reputation and not your advice here is getting you thumbed down.

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    • [Old Memory]
      10 years ago

      ...and yet again, you throw the community a curveball. Sane, reasonable, and intelligent advice.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I'd consider a counseling session to foster discussion but I don't think I'd like anyone aiding in the actual decision. I'm going to try what q25t suggested first. Thanks for your reply!

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  • Terence_the_viking
    10 years ago

    If he can't make a life changing decision like this are you sure he is fit to be your husband?

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  • kaykay89
    10 years ago

    wow your relationship with your husband does not sound healthy.

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  • ProseAthlete
    10 years ago

    I'm sorry your husband is abdicating a decision you're offering him. Ultimately, though, you are the only one who can decide. I'm not sure what you can do to protect yourself from his future recriminations, but you shouldn't have to worry about that right now; you have to worry about what YOU want.

    He's being incredibly passive-aggressive if he regularly passes big decisions off on you and then punishes you if he doesn't like the way you've chosen. It may be time for some serious counseling. That won't help you with the current decision you're facing because your time to choose is short, but it sounds like an absolute necessity for your future with this man -- who really sounds like more of a boy, if you want the blunt truth.

    Good luck, and I hope you feel at peace with your decision no matter what you choose.

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  • q25t
    10 years ago

    Make him write on a piece of paper what his actual opinions are on the subject. You do the same. Switch and read. Don't talk about the issue for a day, giving time to think things over, then finally broach the subject. You both should know where the other stands and can come at the issue with level heads.

    Suckonthis9 has a good point too. It may be necessary to involve someone else in the matter just to make things proceed more smoothly.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      I like this idea! Thanks!

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  • dreamingBIG
    10 years ago

    I really hope you dont choose abortion. If thats an option your considering then you need to mentally prepare yourself for the mountain of feelings that will come along afterwards. They are not pretty. A baby is a huge responsibility but the reward is love and how can love be the wrong deciscion to make. Your husband needs to give you an answer but you should ask him why is it that you chose to spend your life with him and grow old with him and the time you need him the most he left you feeling so alone? You must be feeling so vulnerable confused and hurt. I hope you find the answer your looking for and i hope you do what YOU feel is the right thing to do... the best wishes at you and take care (",)

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    • ProseAthlete
      10 years ago

      Abortion is life-changing for women and their partners, but not all feelings are negative ones. For many women, the predominant feeling afterward is relief. Many women go forward with a renewed sense of purpose and commitment to their educations, their careers or their relationships. It's far too complex an event to assume that ending a pregnancy always means being buried under an avalanche of guilt, self-loathing or regret. Everyone is different.

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      • Anonymous Post Author
        10 years ago

        THANK YOU!

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  • Nunyaanonymous
    10 years ago

    I meant yes. Stupid big fingers

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  • Saycheese
    10 years ago

    You shouldn't have this fear with your husband; that isn't right. You need to be able to stand up for yourself.

    If you choose to have the child and he doesn't help I would just leave him. He told you to make the choice and he is suppose to be the father otherwise.

    It is your choice and I hope it goes well. Don't let your husband make you feel bad about your choice; let him know you are a stronger person than that. :)

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  • Elyod88
    10 years ago

    At the end of the day, you're both responsible. I honestly don't see why as a married couple you should forge ahead and get an abortion. If you really don't want children why haven't you gotten your tubes tied or why hasn't your husband gotten a vasectomy?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      Married women can and do get abortions. People who aren't ready or able to care for children get abortions regardless of family status.

      We don't know that we NEVER EVER want kids so permanent birth control is not a good idea and it's not even done for young, childless people anyway. We were being careful using 2 BC methods.

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    • ProseAthlete
      10 years ago

      When it comes right down to it, she can't decide "as a married couple." She can only decide as an individual because she's the individual who must either end a pregnancy or carry a baby to term. He can't do it for her. She can take his feelings into consideration, she can seek his input, she can decide together with him -- but she can't share the biological duties of gestation with him.

      I see what you're saying, but what are her alternatives, given that she can't just hand her uterus off to him to gestate? Is it ever fair for a man to tell a woman that she must stay pregnant because he feels ready to be a parent? What if she realizes she isn't ready? At what point do his wishes supersede hers -- again, given that she's the one who has to undergo the physical and emotional strain that a full-term pregnancy entails?

      That's what it boils down to, after all. If she doesn't want a child and he does, you're pretty much talking about treating another human being as if she doesn't have as much say about her own body as another person. That's never a good thing.

      By the way, many married couples choose abortion as a last resort when they're unready for parenthood. I think the media has done a disservice to women by portraying it as only something young, poor, single women do. Fewer than 20 percent of women getting abortions are in their teens at all, and one in three women will have at least one. About 60 percent of the women who get an abortion already have children, so they aren't just confused teens who don't know any better; they're making informed choices.

      So is the OP. She just wants her husband to help her make her choice. More power to her for that, but he doesn't get to decide for her.

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