Is it normal my anxiety scared my boyfriend away?

37% Normal

I'll try to keep this short but I don't know how well that's going to go. So basically I've been with my boyfriend for over a year. For the most part it has been a wonderful relationship, but there have been some pretty big bumps in the road.

I have some issues I've been trying to deal with, and have been getting worlds better. I've had a somewhat traumatic past.. molested in elementary school. Abusive relationship right out of high school, that guy fucked me up pretty badly. Then in college my ex roomates held me "hostage" over dirty dishes (long fucking story) and the semester after that, I was assaulted by a friend in his dorm. That last one caused me to go into a downward spiral, I was pretty fucked up for a while because I had never coped with any of the previous encounters... just locked them away to not think about them.

2 years and a lot of bullshit later, I'm largely better. I've always had confidence problems, that's not entirely related though I know it annoyed him when I said I didn't feel like I was very good looking. I'm getting better with that. I still get scared a lot... scared of men, get freaked out when someone's angry or yelling, afraid to go out at night or even *go* a lot of places in general if I'm on my own for fear something might happen. I also have really bad anxiety... which has caused a lot of our fights.

It would always go the same way... I would get overly worried or have an anxiety attack, he would get annoyed, I would feel bad for him getting annoyed and get worse, he got angry and started yelling which made me cry and made me fearful, and the whole thing would escalate. For example... the fight that ended us. I woke up in the morning to my bathroom flooded. I kinda freaked out cause it was pretty bad and I worry about having to pay for damages here. We were getting ready to go to a festival and sometimes my landlord takes all day (or longer) to take care of something (there are things he still hasn't fixed) and I was afraid we wouldn't be able to go. I asked if we could still go and he just kept telling me over and over again to call him, but I just wanted an answer that we were still gonna go. So I got upset and he got pissed. He grabbed all his shit and tried to leave and I blocked the door and asked him to please just stay and talk, he grabbed me by the neck and kinda tossed me away from the door. One time in the past I asked why he compliments all kinda girls on facebook but never likes or comments my photos, he got really angry and said I shouldn't question his love, called me whiny and needy.

I know it must be a pain in the ass to date someone who gets so anxious and so self conscious, so I'm really inclined to think that I'm just the problem here. But I don't see why it's necessary to call me whiny, needy, immamture, annoying, and all the things he says. He says he just wants to help me... but when he says those things it makes me wonder what he really thinks of me, even though most of the time he makes me feel like I'm pretty damn special. He's never hurt me, but he has scared me, he's got quite a temper to him. Then again I'm also easy to scare. I remember one time I was freaking out and he was already pissed, I asked him to just hold me and he picked me up and shook me. There was one other thing but I don't really know if I should talk about it.

I've had a few friends tell me it's abusive behavior, but couldn't I be seen as abusive in the same light? He does some bad things because of his temper and I do some bad things because of my anxiety; I saw it as only right that I deal with his issues because he deals with mine. We're on a "break" now because after our last fight he said he can't take any more. I know I need to get back in with my counselor, but I'm really afraid I just ruined the best relationship I've ever probably had. I just want to see what other people think on this, you guys are a wonderful community and I'm hoping that maybe someone has some insight into this. I can give more info if needed but I've made this quite long enough already.

Voting Results

37% Normal

Based on 51 votes (19 yes)

Help us keep this site organized and clean. Thanks!

[ Report Post ]

Comments ( 21 )

moriahknows

11 years ago

i have bad anxiety as well. so i understand how you feel. i have gotten so much help but my anxiety still is bad. you are not the problem though, he is. he should never touch you if he claims he loves you. honestly in my opinion he doesnt even need stunt females on facebook . but him not liking your pictures is no big deal because obviously you are preety thats why he is with you. dont sweat the small stuff. i have been in a relationship and my last relationship is the main reason why i have bad anxiety (abusive ex boyfriend). if you know your getting mad over petty things take a few deep breaths and change the subject and just tell him to forget it. if he knows you have bad anxiety he should not let that ruin it since you cant help it.

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
dappled

11 years ago

What stands out to me is your positivity. You've been through more than anyone should reasonably go through, and it would be understandable for you to go under. But look at the language of your post. You describe your relationship as wonderful for the most part. You talk about your issues and say that in dealing with them, you've been getting worlds better.

Of the negative traits, you are self-aware, you don't delude yourself, you are frank and open. Even in these dark things, you deal with them the right way. You acknowledge them and never pretend they don't exist.

Do they present a challenge to someone who wants to be in a relationship with you? Yes, of course. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. But the way you deal with things, the way your mind works, the openness you espouse means that while you may need someone who understands you, that person stands to benefit very greatly from being in a relationship with you, because of your qualities. You're not a horrible person, or worthless, or ugly. You're a person who has suffered and who is surviving it.

The relationship you were in doesn't sound all bad. He sounds decent most of the time. But you shouldn't feel scared and you shouldn't *ever* be the subject of anything physical. While there's always an element of dealing with the problems of our partners, it's okay when the problems are challenging, it's less okay when the problems are threatening.

I understand why you would equate your anxiety and his temper as failings which could be seen as similar, but your anxiety isn't making him feel scared and that's where the difference is. Anxiety is inward (towards ourself) and temper is outward (towards others). I feel that you're suffering twice over both by punishing yourself and also by being punished.

Finally, one alarm bell for me is you being told he wants you to be scared, by the way. That doesn't sound good at all.

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
- shade_ilmaendu
  
  11 years ago
  
  Yeah... I think one of the biggest things that's bothered me about the whole situation is he's usually such a sweet and caring person... until you make him angry. People can have such dichotomous natures it can really be quite confusing.
  
  Even with me... the way I see when my anxiety attacks happen, I feel like there are two sides to me in a way. The rational, more wise side that feels old, and the more emotional side that just feels hurt, or afraid. A big thing is when I don't have control of a situation, which as far as I can reason probably stems back to times in my life when I had little to no control.. the assaults, crazy roomates, the bad trip.. XD And then when one of those triggers occur the more rational part of me just kind of clams up. :x
  
  Because of this I was more than willing to try to work with him, at least when he seemed like he wanted to make an actual effort to change. I don't know if he doesn't see his own fault or if he's just so stuck in the pattern that he falls back into it simply by dint of getting upset. Because in the past we would fight, he would get mad, yell, maybe punch a wall or slam some doors... then come back out in an hour or so and be so apologetic and we would talk it out, just like we would when I had a problem.
  
  When he told me he wanted me to be scared on friday that was one of the biggest dealbreakers. We went and had our last weekend festival together then we were supposed to take a break. Texted him monday saying at some point we should probably sit down and discuss again what we need to be working on if we want to get back... and his response was something along the lines of "I just can't take it anymore, you need to work on your own fuckin issues".
  
  Like, okay. You can't even fess up to your own responsibility? That I will not accept.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
ygrowup

11 years ago

You have been threw some difficult times, but you are hardly the problem in this relationship, you should run from this guy and seek one that can make you smile and support you when you are troubled.

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
kelili

11 years ago

I don't think that you are the problem. You have a difficult past and you have managed through all this and I can see through the way you write that you are quite smart. I used to be exactly like you. A good friend and wise man I met in 2009 told me that people like us should date sensible and protective man because we are fragile and I agree with him.

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
Short4Words

11 years ago

I think you deserve someone who understands how precious you are. And doesn't hurt you because of it.

Comment Hidden ( show )

1

1
fpssource

11 years ago

I feel sorry for u as a guy. Why do you keep hanging with guys that are crazy and abusive?? ? they are so many guys in our world that would save you from this world you live in but instead, u keep coming back to the douche bags ... what i see is ur own fault for choosing the wrong boyfriends. Beside, take a time off in your relationship and stop getting boyfriends for a while until ur anxiety goes away. When i read this i kinda got angry my self u are being very stupid.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- dappled
  
  11 years ago
  
  I'm not sure how you digest this story and decide the most productive advice for the OP would be to say how angry she makes you and to call her "very stupid". Read the story again, put yourself in her shoes, and see whether you think this is still appropriate.
  
  Irregardless of the details of the story, this is someone who has just ended a serious relationship. I know how that feels and doubtless you do too. Perhaps neither of us are in the situation at the moment, but we can still have a little empathy for people when they are obviously suffering. Another day, it'll be our turn. Being kicked when you are at your lowest ebb is worse than being kicked at any other time.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  1
  
  1
- shade_ilmaendu
  
  11 years ago
  
  I didn't know it was going to end up that way. :( For the better part of a year he was a complete sweetheart. You must think I'm one of those dumb bimbos who goes out dating a thug and ends up regretting it. I chose the sweet, quietish kid from open mic who takes care of his handicapped brother and gets involved in disability rights. Everyone's got issues, apparently I just got lucky and drew someone with the temper of a child. All of this violence just happened last friday, and I ended it. But apparently you have nothing better to do than go online and make an already hurt girl feel like shit.
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  1
  
  1
charli.m

11 years ago

You are not the problem here. I have to say that straight away. You need to hear that.

I am so, so sorry for all that has happened to you, I honestly don't know what to say, I can't imagine it. But in spite of your past, you have come through to be an amazing person. Yes, I can only base that on what I know of you on IIN, but from what I have seen on site, you are a truly amazing, strong, intelligent person, and I admire that.

Yes, it is hard to be with someone with anxiety issues, but fuck, after what you've been through, it's hardly surprising that you have them. He's not helping by abusing you further. There's no excuse for physically hurting you.

I'm glad you said you're looking at talking to your counsellor again. Maybe the two of you could see a counsellor together. It worries me that he has physically hurt you, and while I'm inclined to say "ditch him" based on that...it's not my call. But I would be very wary of someone who resorts to that kind of violence. And then there's the issue of emotional stuff...

I think seeing the counsellor is your best move. I really hope things get better for you, you're a beautiful person and you deserve so much better.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- shade_ilmaendu
  
  11 years ago
  
  I did break it off actually... go figure, couple's counseling is the one thing he didn't want to try. I tried to be understanding of his problems, but the fact of the matter is he gave so little understanding into mine I don't see why I should bother anymore.
  
  I talked to him this afternoon and was saying how I wanted to maybe hash things out a little better, really get down to what we each need to work on while on this break, but he won't accept responsibility for anything he's done. He kept saying he was going to acccept responsibility for his actions but apparently that was just talk.
  
  It kinda kills me though... at baseline he was such a good person, truly a beautiful soul. It kinda still kills me to wonder what could have been, but if I try to dwell on that I might make myself sick. Thank you so much for your kind words hun, you're one of the IIN crew I've always liked and admired. :)
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
  - charli.m
    
    11 years ago
    
    Blah. There's not much to do if only one of you is willing to work on it :( And yeah, it needs to be a two way street. He needs to try to see how things are for you, instead of just exacerbating the problem.
    
    Give yourself some space. The first little while is hard and it's so easy to blame yourself for everything, and think of what could have been. We all have our own damage, and if he's not prepared to work on his, then no matter how good a person he is, what can you do?
    
    And you're welcome :) The feeling is very mutual :)
    
    Comment Hidden ( show )
    
    0
    
    0
    - shade_ilmaendu
      
      11 years ago
      
      Judging by the reactions I've been getting out of other people... one of my friends is now saying she wants to kick his ass. :x I mean, I'll put up with a lot if I'm really committed to something. But how can he insult me, throw me, scream in my face and tell me he wants me to be scared and then turn around 2 days later and claim he did nothing wrong.
      
      :/ I do hope he can work on his temper, apparently he's lining up another girl already. One with 2 kids. Who knows, maybe I was enough of the problem that he won't snap on her, but the thought of that happening does scare me... though it's so hard to really feel convinced, plenty of people still seem to think I'm just being weak and oversensitive. Maybe I am.
      
      I don't even know if a professional would give me an accurate judgement because I feel like they might try to be too nice to me, since it is their job to help me. If I need to hear the hard truth I wanna hear it. :x
      
      Comment Hidden ( show )
      
      0
      
      0
      - chewy
        
        11 years ago
        
        Uh.... Hi
        
        Comment Hidden ( show )
        
        0
        
        0
        
        -
        
        shade_ilmaendu
        
        11 years ago
        
        o.o why hello thar.
        
        Comment Hidden ( show )
        
        0
        
        0
TerryVie

11 years ago

Weeeh...Shade, you made me cry.(just a teensy bit, but still)

Pack your stuff, come over to europe, i'll hook you up with a friend of mine!

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- shade_ilmaendu
  
  11 years ago
  
  Ohh, I'm sowwy hun. :/ Heh, I've wished so many times to get out of this area, I wish I could take you up on that offer. :P
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
Mando

11 years ago

Sounds like your bf acted like a great big weenie but also had his own frustrations - not to excuse him, but not to condemn either. You seem pretty self aware and maybe could look into help around some of the overwhelming fears/anxiety and how to address that. That affects your quality of life/relationships. You may want to think more about what kind of bf would best suit you too. I don't think assigning blame matters here (not that you are) it is more like what you can learn.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
IceEye22

11 years ago

I have no idea if you will see this but that guy is an absolute ASS honestly I might have killed him but I tend to go overboard. I dated a girl with anxity and not ONCE was it a pain! I felt HONORED to care for her it made me HAPPY to keep her safe. THAT is how a boy should treat you! Not as a burden! You deserve sympathy and understanding it sounds like he is a selfish asshole that wanted no commitment in a relationship. I'm sorry to say but it will take someone special to stay with you. Sadly most of us guys are jerks who want nothing to do with commitment. You deserve a committed loveing guy. And I pray you find one who deserves you.

Comment Hidden ( show )

0

0
- shade_ilmaendu
  
  11 years ago
  
  :) You're too kind... I am lucky enough to be blessed with a small group of friends who don't seem to find my problems very problematic... guess I just gotta keep looking for those people. It really is kinda funny... he would call me immature so frequently but the more I think about it the more I feel like he's MUCH less mature than he likes to think he is.
  
  I mean, mind you most of the time he was wonderful. Very kind person, political activist, just kind of that all around nice guy. But apparently hiding some SERIOUS anger issues. :x
  
  Thank you so much for your kind words. <3
  
  Comment Hidden ( show )
  
  0
  
  0
squeallikeasacofpigs

11 years ago

God I can't stand whiny melodramatic bitches like you. Boo hoo, I have problems, treat me differently. Guess what, we've all had bad things happen to us in our lives, just move on and stop making such a fuss.

Comment Hidden ( show )

-7

-7

Are You Normal?

Is it normal my anxiety scared my boyfriend away?